I don’t usually do this, but I wrote a story back in 2004… a fictional story… surrounding the events that unfolded on September 11, 2001, and I decided that this would be an approriate time to post a short story. None of it is true, but many of the references are based on true events that I have read about and stories that I have heard. It’s long, so read it if you’d like. It’s a glimpse into the world of someone who could have experienced the horrific events first hand. It’s called: “So early waking…”
Ps. Sorry for the awkward formatting… I just cut and paste it from a word document…
So Early Waking
“On the morning of September 11, 2001, the United States of America awoke to find itself under attack. In the City of New York, hijacked commercial airliners were crashed into the World Trade Center. Less than two hours later, both 110-story Twin Towers collapsed, killing some 5,000 innocent men, women and children. It was the deadliest day in American history, costing more lives than the attack on Pearl Harbor or D-Day.”
-Rudolph W. Giuliani, Mayor of New York City.
“The building rocked in one direction, then shuddered back and forth. It felt like it moved five or sex feet in each direction.”
-John Labriola, 71st floor of Tower 1.
“People were covering their mouths against the smoke. It was very hot. We were slipping on the sweat of those who had gone before. When the second plane hit, we felt it, but had no idea. Then someone got news on his pager that a plane had hit each tower. Around the 35th floor we started meeting the stream of firefighters walking up. None of them said a word. I can’t stop thinking about the look in their eyes, how heroic they were.”
-Survivor.
“As we went down, there was water flowing in the stairwell, creating rapids down the stairs. When we finally got to the lobby we could see teams of firefighters in a staging area, waiting their turn to go up. I pray some of them made it out.”
-Survivor.
“As I stepped into the light I heard yelling: ‘Don’t look up! Keep moving!’ I looked up. It was unreal. I saw someone fall. I stopped looking up. I wasn’t sure where to go. I headed south on Broadway. The doors to Trinity Church were open so I went inside. A priest was leading prayers. I knelt to pray. The first building fell. Stained glass windows that were filled with color turned inky black.”
-Survivor.
September 3rd
Monday
America was a place where we could do what we wished, what we had always dreamed of doing. America was a symbol of peace, a symbol of hope and of freedom. A beautiful landscape of hopes unfolding and wishes granted; A place where anyone of any race, color, class or background could come and live in unity with the world. America was where people came to escape. It was a place where woman and men were equal and free. America was a place where life was a gift; a place where we were all protected and safe. America was a dream and we were all asleep.
The city was stirring.
It was nearing 8:00 on a warm Monday morning; the first of many lovely fall mornings to come. The sun had just begun its accent into the smoggy, New York sky, and yet those who scurried along the sidewalks of the bustling city could not feel its vibrant rays. The hundreds of skyscrapers that lined the city streets formed a barrier from the world. The sun could not break through the walls of cement. But every now and again, the sun could be seen peeking in from between the massive buildings, trying to catch a glimpse of all that went on inside the exciting city. But even then, no one noticed the sun. They all hurried on their way, passing hundreds of people a day, never knowing any of them; never feeling a connection. New York was busy.
The sun, however, did find its way into my window every morning, without fail. Its beaming rays lit up my darkened room with all the neglected sunlight that the city would not allow within. Lower Manhattan could be as cold and as dark as hell, but my small apartment always found its way into the light.
The bright flood slowly creped along my floor until it fell upon my sleeping face. I squinted at the brightness and turned away, desperate for a few more hours of night. I was engulfed in my all too welcoming feather comforter, and my smooth silk nightgown. There was nothing that could rip me from my too uncommon nest of dreams. I hadn’t been sleeping recently. Bad dreams. But to my dismay, the sun had made its presence known, and would not allow me to escape the day. I stirred silently in my sheets. But as the sunlight became more and more inescapable, so did my reality.
“Oh shit” I hissed, breaking the angelic stillness of my brightened room.
I rolled back across the sea of white bedding, towards the truth that I could not deny. My unset alarm clock read 7:38.
“Shit!” I yelled again, jumping out of bed. “Shit, shit, shit!” I hissed, as I flew through the dark hallway of my small, two room apartment. “Camille,” I softly called, after cascading through my daughter’s bedroom door. “Cammie, wake up,” I quietly called her to consciousness, as I smothered her with motherly kisses. “Baby, Mamma’s late.”
Camille began to stir, which sent me back into my own world of panic. This was the third time that I had forgotten to set my alarm this month, and I was just plain out of excuses to offer my unforgiving boss. Without the much-needed shower that I had put off till morning, I flung on my red and white stripped, 50’s style, waitress uniform and pulled on my bright white Kedd‘s. “Cam, are you ready sweetie?” I called down the hall, as I fussed with the many buttons up the front of the dress. Camille did not answer, but I was far too busy to notice. I quickly made my way into the bathroom as I threw my long, blonde ringlets into a crowning ponytail on top of my head. After a minute of silent disgust at my reflection, I smeared a little bit of makeup onto my tired, crystal blue eyes. I gave up the attempt at my first mistake, and hurried into the kitchen. The clock on the oven read 7:49. “Camille, where are you baby?” I yelled down the hall, ready to listen for her reply this time.
“Mamma, I’m right here,” Camille answered from the kitchen table behind me. Of course she was. She was completely dressed, and sitting in front of a nearly empty bowl of frosted flakes. She smiled the ever-adoring smile of a five year old, and finished the last bite of her favorite breakfast food before bringing the bowl to the sink. I smiled and sighed, so thankful to have been blessed with such a perfect child.
“Thank God you were a girl!” I said, kissing Camille’s head as she passed. I grabbed my house keys and threw my purse over my shoulder. Camille took her cue and snatched her backpack, as she ran towards me.
“Why, you don’t like boys?” She asked.
“No, I like boys sweetheart, it’s just…” I started. I reviewed her choice of attire, and found the pink Capri’s and white, long sleeve shirt quite fitting for the day of first grade ahead. I smiled at her already blooming fashion sense. “You look adorable, baby.”
However, her hair was never her strong point. She had the exact same golden ringlet curls that I had been graced with, but at such a young age, the unattended curls resembled a blizzard of wisps and waves.
“Homework?” I reminded her, sending her flying back into her bedroom. I fumbled in my purse pocket for a hair tie. As we walked out the door together, I tied her hair back into a ponytail similar to the one I was wearing. “We have to hurry, okay baby? We’re late.”
“We’re always late,” Camille commented.
“Yes, thank you honey, I know.”
Camille grabbed my offered hand, as we hustled down the many flights of stairs to the street, and into the crowd of rude New Yorker’s and tourists with their heads towards the sky.
I, along with many other New York residents, did not own a car. There was really no use for one. The roads were constantly filled to the brim with traffic, and although the sidewalks were always littered with all kinds of sketchy people and sometimes, unforgiving weather, they served as a far better mode of transportation in such a city as this one. Camille’s elementary school was only eight blocks north of our apartment, and the diner where I worked was only ten more blocks past that. New York was huge, but my world within it was small.
“Mamma, is aunt Kaydence picking me up today?” Camille asked, as I scurried through the crowds, clutching onto her hand with all the strength of a protective mother. I considered the thought for a moment, before the reminder set in.
“Oh God, thank you sweetie!” I praised, as I scavenged through the depths of my purse for my cell phone. I pulled it out and quickly dialed my sister’s number without letting go of Camille’s hand. With a sigh that lingered in the morning air, I awaited an answer.
“Hello?”
“Kay, it’s me,” I said, in response to her ‘just woke up’ tone of voice.
“What do you need?” Kaydence responded.
“Are you sick?”
“Um… a little, I guess. I’m gonna try to go in half day.”
“Can you still take me to the airport tonight?” I asked, unconcerned.
“For what?” She whined.
“I’m flying home, remember?” I stated. Camille glanced up at me and smiled. She could almost hear her aunt’s familiar tone. Thank goodness Camille had reminded me to call, otherwise Kaydence would certainly have forgotten.
“Oh yea… yea, I guess so.”
“And you’re gonna take Camille?” I persisted.
“Uh huh,” She surrendered. She wanted nothing but to return to her quite slumber.
“Thank you. I have to be there by 7:00. Don’t be late!” I smiled.
“Whatever.” Kaydence tried to sound fierce.
“Love you,” I said with a smile.
“You too.“
I hung up, still smiling and threw the phone back into the depths of my purse. I turned to Camille and smiled at her as we approached the school. I bent down in front of her, just like all the other mothers, and straightened her already straight clothes.
“I love you,” Camille said, with a hug.
“I love you more,” I challenged, holding my world close to me. “Be good,” I said, as Camille ran towards the playground. I watched her mingle with the other children for a minute before I remembered my haste. I stood up, and continued to work with a hurried pace. I got there just in time.
“Thought you might be late again Ms. Moore. Not the best way to start out the month,” Mrs. Fatone hollered, in her harsh New York accent from behind the counter. Her apron was stained with the grease from years of hamburgers, and the relish from her special sauce. The grease seemed to seep straight from her pours. She was such a stereotype. I could only grit my teeth and bare both the sight and the smell of her. I have to find another job, I thought to myself. It was the same thought that had run through my head every singly morning for the past three years. I was just too much of a creature of habit to look elsewhere. I had fallen into a groove and I was comfortable… enough.
“Of course not, Ma’am,” I answered, grabbing my apron out of my purse and tying it quickly behind my back, as I rushed through the already crowded diner. There were few places in New York that did not come with a crowd. I jogged to the back room and put my purse in my assigned locker, and pinned the ugly lace uniformed headband to my head.
“Heya sweetie,” Juliet said, handing me my order pad with a sympathetic smile. “You’re on one today.” I smiled graciously, and headed for my station. I flew up to my first table, still winded from the brisk walk. I smiled, pad in hand, and began my day.
I had allowed myself to become a professional waitress. I had been working as a waitress for most of my adult life. It was certainly not the career I had envisioned myself to have, but it wasn’t horrible. Well, it was pretty horrible, but I actually did quite well. I was able to support my family and get exercise at the same time. It was no adventure, yet it suited my needs for the time being. I had dreams of course, but I also had a child. A child who was worth every sacrifice I had to make.
One of the bigger sacrifices of being a single parent was the absence of personal relationships. Being a waitress filled a little bit of that void, although not nearly in the way I needed it filled. My customers were great. Most of them were friendly and rather kind. They offered conversation and interaction, which outside of Camille and Kaydence, I had little of. It was just a job, but it fit.
“Isn’t that audition today? Juliet asked, catching me on a rarely taken break. Apparently, I had been unable to disguise my preoccupied thoughts.
“Today is the day,” I answered nervously. I tried to fix the little make up that I had on in the tiny mirror inside my locker.
“Are you nervous?” Juliet questioned, always trying to befriend me. Since having Camille, I had become rather withdraw when it came to making friends. I had forgotten how to be someone’s friend. I became pregnant when I was in college and left everything I had in California to come out to New York and start a new life for myself and my new little family. I adored college and I loved my friends back home, but I found that motherhood brought something much more satisfying to my life. Something more fulfilling. Camille was the angel that I had always wanted and dreamed of. With Camille in my life, there was really no need for friends, like there had been in the past. Or rather, there was no time for friends. Whatever the case was, friendships had nearly vanished from my new life here. My customers were the closest thing I had to friends. And Juliet, I suppose.
“A little,” I answered with a friendly smile. I would never purposely shoot down an effort at friendship, and yet somehow I managed to constantly. Juliet, however, remained a faithful friend, should I ever happen to need one. And I was very grateful for her continued efforts however ignored they might be.
Next to Camille, acting was my passion. I adored acting. I had been studying performing arts in college when I was blessed with Camille, thus my decision to move to New York was only in part based on my newborn child. But I had always known that I was meant to be a mother, and so when I had to give up acting for Camille, I knew it was not in vain. However, now that Camille was a little older, I was starting to explore acting once again. This was to be my first audition since my days in college, and I was both nervous and excited.
I was lucky enough to have a manager shift just before I needed to leave for the audition, and the new supervisor so graciously allowed me to sneak out a few minutes early, whereas Mrs. Fatone, had she have known of the commitment, would have made me stay afterwards. But I took the good fortune and hit the streets with all the speed that my two legs could provide, and headed towards my apartment. I flew up the many flights of stairs in my building and through the front door of my apartment, barely closing it behind, and headed straight for my closet, taking off layers of clothes as I went. I still had an outfit from college that I used only for auditions, so without hesitation I grabbed the black dress and threw it over my head. I finished adjusting the dress as I reentered the traffic of the sidewalks. I hurriedly made my way through the never sleeping city towards the subway station a few blocks from my house. And as luck would have it, the subway was on time. But the twenty minute train ride almost caused me to be late anyway. I took off my heels and ran the last few blocks, making it to my audition a mere two minutes before my call.
The audition, to my great surprise and relief, went beautifully. I charmed the producers of the upcoming drama “Twin Sisters,” and left them raving in the auditorium as I made my graceful exit from the stage. I felt good. It had been years since I had stood on the ‘x’ and yet it was as if I had never left. Pure adrenaline rushed through my veins. I knew then that I was meant to perform, and I know the director could see it in my eyes. I had the passion and the drive that I thought too many New York performers were lacking. I did everything I could to leave my mark on the minds of all who saw me up on that stage. I performed. And it felt great.
I left the theater with a smile and headed towards my favorite time of the day. It was nearing 3:00 and Camille’s lessons for the day were coming to a close. I couldn’t help but walk a little quicker towards the destination of my always awaited reunion with my daughter.
“Hey beautiful,” I chimed, as my precious five year old ran with such excitement in her pace towards me. I scooped her up into the sky and embraced her as if it were the first time in years. “I missed you extra today,” I whispered into Camille’s ear before placing her back on the earth.
“Mamma, guess what happened today?” Camille asked. We began our peaceful stroll towards home, hand in hand. It was the first time all day that I felt like I didn’t have to rush.
“What sweetie?” I played along.
“Shane Conner kissed me today!” Camille hopped at my side, but wore the facade of a violated young girl. “On the lips,” Camille specified as if it were the biggest news since sliced bread. I could only laugh at this sudden and quite unexpected leap in experience.
“He did? Shane Conner? Which one is that? The blonde one?” I wondered.
“No, brown hair!” It was clearly important I knew which boy we were talking about. I did not, of course.
“Oh right, Shane!” I said anyway. “Well, what did you do?” I asked, completely amused.
“I kicked him,” She answered, as if there were no other reaction to such a rude gesture as this from Shane Conner.
“You kicked him?!” I laughed. Camille shook her head proudly. “Well goodness… I guess I’ll be hearing from the teacher!”
“No, she didn’t see me.”
“Well, you shouldn’t kick kids honey, even if they kiss you.”
“Okay…” She seemed disheartened.
“You know, there will come a time when you will actually miss kissing boys… I promise you that.” Camille looked up at me with absolute disbelief. I smiled as I pondered the thought of kissing. It had been quite a while since such a celebrated event had taken place in my life. I was almost jealous.
The two of us made our way through the crowds of people, to our quite home. Camille headed right for the T.V, while I began the dreaded chore of packing. I was going home for the first time in close to a year. My parents still called San Diego, and the western shores home, and therefore I found my way out there once a year for the holidays and such. And that would be more than enough if I had my way, and yet the reason behind this trip home was anything but a holiday. This trip was based on pure and utter friendship. Madison, my best friend since grade school was having a baby. Madison had begged and pleaded with me to come visit for months, until I finally had no other choice but to give in. I wanted nothing more than to be there for my best friend of course, but I knew that the pre-baby festivities would bring my past out of the closet that I had tried so hard to keep locked. My friends from college were sure to be in attendance, and I had no explanation to give them as to why I had disappeared. But I was a friend until the end, and I knew there was no way out of this dreaded trip. It was time to face it all. With any luck, all the time that had passed would be just enough of a buffer for anyone to ask any uncomfortable questions.
“Sissy?” Kaydence’ voice summoned the young Camille from the front door of the apartment. Camille was on her feet and in route with the sound of her favorite aunt’s voice. Well, the only aunt she knew anyway. “Hello baby girl,” Kaydence said, as she kneeled, embracing her niece. Camille quickly blurted out the news of her first kiss, as Kaydence laughed out loud at the giddy little girl, who was far too much like her mother. “Well, I’m glad someone’s getting some action in this house… where’s your mom?” Kaydence inquired.
“She’s still packing I think,” Camille responded, as she bounced back to her position in front of Nickelodeon. Kaydence ventured down the lonely hall of my apartment, watching the family portraits pass as she walked. Kaydence had moved to New York with me, knowing I would need someone’s help with the baby, and more than happy to use that as an excuse to get out of California. I was all she had. She adored being a part of Camille’s life, but I was the only family that she had ever known. She had never gotten along with our parents and so I was the only mother she would allow, even though I was only two years older. To me, she was a best friend, and I was so happy that I didn’t have to give her up when I left home. The three of us had made our own family, miles and miles away from all we had known.
“Are you done yet for Christ’s sake?” Kaydence teased. She plopped down on the bed next to my pile of unpacked clothes.
“I don’t know what to bring,” I examined the clothes without looking up at my sister. Kaydence and I were both very slim and petite, but that was the extent of our similarities. No one would ever suspect that we were even related. Kaydence had long, straight, brown hair and bright green eyes, and she was much taller than me. Our personalities differed quite a bit as well. I was the mother, and she was the business. New York had presented her with a world of opportunity that she dived right into. She worked as an intern downtown, and she absolutely adored it. I would never find a desk job appealing, but it was her Camille. It fit her well. She was the outgoing one and had no trouble fitting into any situation and making friends. The guys were continuously chasing her, and she was always willing to take on the role of ‘life of the party,’ and then come back with her smarts. For the entirety of our lives, we had remained incessantly jealous of one another, and yet never in competition. We were as close as any two sisters could possibly be. Our differences made us stronger.
“Why are you stressing out about this?” Kaydence questioned. She sensed something behind my veneer of the overly fashion conscious packer.
“I’m not stressing out,” I tried.
“Yes you are,” Kaydence would not relent.
“No I’m not, shut up,” I raised my voice as if reprimanding Camille.
“Don’t get all ‘mom’ on me!” Kaydence continued to tease, throwing a pillow at me.
“Kaydence Marie!” I started.
“What Jocelyn Corrine?” She challenged back.
“Would you please go get Camille something to eat so I can finish packing without you bothering me?” I pleaded. I continued my packing as Kaydence tested the waters a little further. She soon realized that the waters were deep and cold and not to be swan in, so she surrendered for the time being and made Camille some macaroni and cheese, the one dish she had mastered. I finished packing and although I was undeniably nervous, I was ready to go.
“Well Sissy, shall we take the old hag to the airport?” Kaydence asked Camille, as I waited by the front door quite impatiently. Kaydence lived to keep me young and annoyed. She considered it her personal duty as my only sister. Camille gave the go ahead, and we piled into Kaydence’s small, four door Ford Contour. She hardly used her car, but she had one. It was just the way she was.
The airport was a good hour from my apartment, and the trip was filled with little conversation and a lot of children’s songs. I could hardly sit still the entire ride. There was something waiting in California that I did not want to face. Kaydence could feel the nervous energy crossing the center console and could stay silent no longer.
“What’s wrong with you?” Kaydence tried again to uncover my secret.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I bleakly responded, as if having no clue of the source of her concern.
“You’re such a liar!” Kaydence went on.
“Kay, I’m just nervous okay.
“About what?”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen these people. Most of them don’t even know I have a kid. I just… I don’t know exactly what to say to them… alright?” I surrendered. She left me no choice.
“Who says you have to say anything? You don’t owe them an explanation!” Kaydence gladly took over the role of mother for the moment. I considered the thought privately, without giving Kaydence the satisfaction. She stared at me for a while, but I just watched the city fall under night’s blanket from my passenger side window. She finally gave up, seeing neither an end nor a solution to my turmoil. But just as she turned away, I reached over and put my hand on hers. Kaydence’s eyes once again found mine, but this time she got the smile of gratitude that she had been looking for. She smiled back at me, relieved that she was able to calm my nerves, even if only a little.
“So I’ll be here waiting for you in a few days,” Kaydence said, pulling up to the curb at the airport. I pulled my suitcase from the trunk’s grasp and gathered my things. Kaydence couldn’t disguise her sadness in having to say goodbye. Any time we spent apart was difficult.
“Thank you, sis, I love you,” I whispered into her ear. I pulled her close in an embrace. She smiled as she pulled away, wishing she could somehow help me deal with whatever it was that was plaguing me. Camille jumped out of the car, and latched herself onto my leg in a panic.
“Are you gonna come back?” Camille asked. She looked so confused. We had never before been apart for more than the extent of a day. I kneeled down and looked my angel in the eyes. I hadn’t been all that sure how to prepare her for this trip, and I could see quite plainly that I had been unsuccessful. I wasn’t very good at talking about the hard stuff. Not even with Camille.
“Of course I am,” I answered, a little choked up at the thought of being away from my daughter. I brushed the sunny ringlets out of her face and fastened them securely behind her ear.
“Promise?” Camille persisted. Kaydence looked on with the same sadness that Camille felt, and no condolence to offer.
“Promise.” I kissed Camille on the forehead, and pulled her close to me. I sighed, trying to keep the tears within. “I love you,” I said, kissing her again on the cheek, wishing I could stay with her or bring her along.
“I love you more,” Camille smiled. I smiled.
“Be good for auntie Kay!” I insisted. Camille agreed and reached for her aunt’s hand. Kaydence scooped her up off the ground and into her arms. I smiled once again and vanished into the busy terminal.
My flight was long and the night that surrounded me was dark. To my surprise, my thoughts were occupied only by Camille, whom I missed immensely already, and not by the journey ahead. I hated to fly and I had never before flown through the night, so every bump caught my attention like a bolt of lightning. I tried to remain as calm as I could, but the flight was only escalading my nervousness. I could not sleep, and could not bare to keep my eyes open. Fear was promised with either.
Finally, at long last, the five and a half hour flight through the night was over, and I was safely, although not calmly on the ground once again. I grabbed my things as quickly as I could, in hopes of getting off the plane as soon as the doors were opened. The bumpy flight had been so distracting that I had forgotten why I had grown so nervous about the trip in the first place, and there was no hesitation in my exiting the plane. I flew out of the tunnel and into yet another terminal. I completely forgot that I was meeting Madison at the gate, and almost ran her over as she waited, with open arms for her scatter brained best friend.
“Joss, are you okay?” Madison asked, as I walked right past her, preoccupied with maintaining my world’s gravitational pull.
I spun around at the sound of the familiar voice and smiled as big as I could and called, “Maddie!”
She was huge! I had forgotten how big I got at the end of my pregnancy. It’s always so hard to imagine.
“Oh my god, look at your belly,” Madison smiled, as she waddled up to me. It had been close to a year and now I was finally home again. Madison couldn’t have been more pleased and relieved. I couldn’t have felt more the opposite.
“How was the flight? You look pale!” Madison asked, after we had exchanged greetings at the top of our register. I could only roll my eyes, knowing that Madison knew how much I despised flying.
“I’m fine!”
I was far more interested in her protruding belly, than making conversation about the flight. I rubbed it and sighed, as I’m sure all women do. “She’s kicking a lot,” Madison said, with the concerned tone of a first time mother.
“That’s normal,” I confirmed. I could tell that Madison was very relieved to finally have trust worthy experience at hand. And I was more than happy to offer my help. Motherhood was one of the few things I knew well. Right away, I could see that my experience was the reason I had come so far. “How many weeks left?” I asked, as we started for the exit.
“Three and a half,” Madison answered, without even trying to disguise the fear of child birth. I could only smile, glad to have that pain in my past.
“You’ll do fine, it’s bearable,” I lied. We all lie about that one. The truth is, no one can actually really remember how bad it was, or how on earth we got through it. But what was the point of scaring people? So I consoled her as we made our way through the cool, San Diego evening. Madison took the length of the ride home to fill me in on her beautiful wedding and new home. All of which I had refused to be a part of until now. Her life had definitely changed since I was a part of it. And yet somehow, I knew that I still held a big piece of her heart. We laughed about all the times we had spent together, dating back to when we were children together and I knew that no matter how far and no matter how long the gap of time and distance spanned, I would always be the best friend. I would always be Joss from down the street. Being with Madison reminded me of the life that I had left behind. I had always tried so hard to remember California as something less than the life in front of me, but Madison was only proving me wrong. She was showing me that I had a great past; one that I wasn’t so sure why I had to run from. I had so many great memories that I had nearly forgotten about in the rush of the east. My life was busy.
Madison pulled the car into the garage, and before she could turn off the engine, she had already begun the tour of her new life. She couldn’t be more excited to be settling down as a wife and mother. I was thrown into my life of motherhood, and therefore was a little taken back by all the excitement displayed by my best friend, now in the same situation. Our lives had become so different.
Madison finished the tour of her quaint suburban home and allowed me to take my rest in the guest bedroom; soon to be new nursery. And it looked like a hybrid of the two, a crib, a bed, a dresser and baby things. Lots of baby things. I had forgotten how many things a baby brings.
I was absolutely exhausted. It did not take me long to fall into a deep slumber. With the flight, my long day, and now the new image of my best friend plaguing my recent past, sleep was all I could hope for. It was nearing sunrise when my head finally found the comfort of the pillow, so my hopes were short lived.
September 4th
Tuesday
“Jocelyn Moore, wake up!” Madison whispered, as she pulled the curtains of her new baby’s room open, allowing the early sunlight to flood the small, chaotically organized room. Not again! I was anything but amused. I quickly pulled the sheets up over my face, and rolled away from the unforgiving light and my eager best friend. “Joss, your daughter’s on the phone,” Madison tried again, knowing this would be the one thing to get me out of bed. She was right, for with those words came full alertness. I was out of bed and in pursuit of Camille’s charm as fast as Madison could get the words past her lips. She followed me to the phone in hopes of partaking in the happy mother/daughter moment. She couldn’t wait until it was her turn.
“Hey kido,” I whistled. I had a smile on my face the size of California itself. Madison pulled up a chair, and placed a glass of hot coffee in front of me.
“I miss you Mamma,” Camille said, still confused at the separation.
“I miss you too angel,” I said. I could picture Camille’s beautiful little face. “Are you all ready done with school?” I asked. Madison simply watched, studying my every move.
“Yea. Aunt Kaydence got me out early.”
“She did?” I said, disguising my annoyance at my sister. “Do you have homework?” I asked, trying to remain a part of her daily routine, even from so far away.
“Yea.”
“Well you better start that okay sweetheart?” I giggled a little. I had never spent a day without her, and it was a feeling I was not at all ready to get used to. It was more torture than the idea of this trip.
“I love you,” Camille said.
“I love you too. Let me talk to aunt Kay, okay angel?” I smiled one last time at my spirited daughter. It was still a miracle to me that I made such a beautiful thing.
“Okay, Goodbye!”
“Hello,” Kaydence answered, as Camille handed off the phone.
“Hey,” I responded, now in a much more grounded tone of voice. “Out early?”
“Yea, I called in sick again and I was bored.”
“Um, okay… I’m not sure which problem to address first.”
“Oh stop.”
“Look, just make sure she does her homework.”
“Yes, I know what I’m doing Jo,” Kaydence answered with great offence.
“I know you know what you’re doing.” I tried.
“Why don’t you trust me?”
“Kay, I’m just making sure-” She cut me off.
“Jo, you just have to trust me. I’m her aunt for crying out loud,” she said, raising her voice.
“Kaydence, I know, just shut up!” I yelled back, equally immature.
“Whatever,” Kaydence responded.
“Alright fine! Bye!” I said, as I slammed the phone down on the counter. I sighed and grunted a little out of irritation. I looked up at Madison who had a strange look on her face. For the first time in quite a while, I was so very presently reminded of my age. I felt like an immature child. But as much as I hated to admit it, at the age of 25, I still was somewhat of a child. I still needed help sometimes. I tried to recover, but Madison had already seen the youth in me. But she was relieved. She was glad to see that I wasn’t as strong as I tried to make out.
“Sisters…” She said, trying to bring a smile back to my now expressionless face.
“I’m just not awake yet.” I grabbed the waiting coffee and drank it like a shot of alcohol. I wiped my lips and sighed again as the hot liquid warmed my insides. I tried to rub the tiredness from my eyes. “Breakfast?” Madison asked, unsure of what to say. We had been apart for so long, and there was no denying the feeling of awkwardness from the changed friendship. It was so strange to be so close to someone who felt so distant.
“I don’t really eat breakfast,” I answered, without opening my eyes.
“I can tell, you practically disappear when you turn sideways,” Madison responded, as she dragged her slippered feet across the tiled, kitchen floor. “But of course, I might be slightly sensitive to that right now, considering…” She glanced down at the belly that was popping out of her robe. I opened my eyes, and looked down at my thin build. I had lost some weight since college, but this was the first mention of it. Madison must have read the look on my face because she started to back pedal.
“I just hope that I look that good after I have Riley,” she re-stated, patting her enlarged stomach, and reassuring me that her comment was not meant in a negative way. I smiled and yawned. The time difference was taking its toll on me. “Sorry to wake you up, but Camille just had to talk to you.” Madison ran my coffee glass under the warm water from the sink, and wiped up the ring on the counter top. She was still as tidy as I had remembered. It was nice to see that some things never change.
“Oh no, it’s fine. I wanted to be up to help you set up for the party. What can I do?” I asked, standing up and contorting my un-rested body back to somewhat of a shape.
“Hmm… well…” Madison started, looking around her new home. “That table has to be moved, and all this food has to be put out…” She listed. I could tell that she felt somewhat guilty asking me for help.
“Alright,” I said, grabbing the table’s edge and pulling it up against the dining room wall. I walked into the kitchen, rolled up my pajama sleeves, and kissed Madison on the forehead before pulling all the food out of the refrigerator. She smiled. Before long, the entire house was dressed with all the fixings for a beautiful mother-to-be party. Everything was in order and we were left with more than enough time to shower and make ourselves look just as lovely.
“Just like old times,” Madison said. She watched our reflections dance around in the mirror. We both had towels wrapped around our heads and make-up flooded the counter top. I smiled back at her reflection and leaned in close to get a better angle for the application of my mascara. “Are you nervous?” She finally asked the question of the evening. Madison knew the consequences of such an inquiry. I could see her watching my face for a reaction in the mirror, but I failed to give her one.
“Nervous?” I asked. I knew full well exactly what she meant.
“He’s gonna be here,” She continued. My heart sank. I had suspected as much, but I hadn’t let myself fully accept the idea. I tried to remain unaffected, but I was suddenly totally unable to apply makeup so close to my eyes.
“I… ah… I don’t know… I don’t know exactly…” I stumbled. I tried to get the mascara brush back into the tube. I could tell that neither I, nor Madison could have prepared ourselves for the overwhelming anxiety that was quickly filling the tiny bathroom.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” She tried to smother the flames.
“No, it’s fine, it’s nothing.” I tried to brush it off, but I was still unable to meet her gaze in the mirror. “I’m glad I know… I mean… I figured he would come… I just didn’t know that I would… that I would have to…” I could feel the tears creeping up on me. I was quickly losing the battle with the mascara brush and tube.
“Have to do what?” She asked.
“Oh… just, you know?”
“What are you so scared of?” Madison questioned. She calmly took the mascara from my death grip, forcing me to look up at her.
I hesitated, really considering the thing that I was most scared of.
“I’m scared that he’ll be mad I guess,” I answered, looking to her for comfort and answers.
“You don’t owe him an explanation, you know.”
I found it strange that both Madison and Kaydence seemed to think the same thing; that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation. How on earth did I not owe HIM of all people, an explanation? I would expect nothing less if the tables were reversed. Of course I owed him an explanation. I owed him a lot more than that!
“It’s been years. You’re a different person now… you’re a mother now.” Madison was missing the point entirely.
“You’re right, it’s been YEARS! How can I get away with just a friendly ‘hello’?” I said. “I just left, Madison.” A single tear escaped from my blue eyes. It was the first tear I had allowed in so long. I probably would have missed it entirely if it weren’t for Madison’s hand brushing it away.
“You don’t have to tell him why,” She tried to comfort me, but she knew it wasn’t true. I did have to tell him. I had waited too long, and I had come too far. It was finally time.
“Of course I do…” Another tear rolled across my blushing cheek, but Madison caught that one too. She could say nothing more. She hugged me tightly. There was nothing left to do. Madison knew the truth.
Madison and I finished getting ready in silence. She squeezed her way into a maternity, black pants suit while I helped her pull her straight brown hair up into a twist. I had to do everything but take a national poll to convince her that she didn’t look like a black blimp. She convinced me to wear a black dress as well, hoping that would make her feel more at ease. It didn’t.
“You look so beautiful honey,” Blare, Madison’s adoring husband finally confirmed once he had returned home from work. Blare and Madison had started dating in college just before I had left for New York. He was a good friend of mine at the time, and so I set them up on their first date. I always had a good eye for the matches that would work. Myself not included. Blare kissed us both, and set the argument to rest before making his rounds of the house.
The unprecedented ‘cocktail baby shower’ began promptly at 7:00. Dozens of people came. I was finally face to face with the memory of my past, but I kept a beaming smile the entire evening. Things went much more smoothly than I could have ever hoped. No one asked me where I had disappeared to, they only seemed happy to finally see me again at last. I’m sure that they had all settled upon which rumor they wanted to believe anyway. It was more fun that way, of course. Camille found her way into the center of nearly every conversation I had. But still, no one was curious as to what had become of my last six years. It was almost as if everyone had been preemptively warned not to bring anything up. Whatever the case, I was very grateful for everyone’s discrepancy. And as the hour of nine slowly approached, my anticipations of horror were quickly being put to rest. I was actually starting to believe that perhaps I would not have to face the part of my past that I had good cause to fear.
“Another drink beautiful?” Blare asked, as he proudly stood behind his bar and bartended for the guests of his first family party. I smiled and handed him my empty glass. He was glowing with the idea of being a father. He took every ‘congratulations’ with a smile and a handshake. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for forfeiting Camille’s father the chance at such a feeling. Perhaps in my attempt at keeping his life from being disrupted by my mistake, I had cheated him out of the life he may have chosen. I had only good intentions when I left, and never considered my decision to be wrong or unjust, but there was something in the room that made me wish I could take it all back. “Here ya go, sweetheart,” Blare smiled, handing me back my now filled glass. I was still pretty sure I would need it.
“Thank you,” I said. I gave a modest ‘cheers’ to my host and took a sip. Blare winked at me as if knowing exactly what I was thinking, and then turned his attention to his next thirsty guest. I turned around and leaned on the bar, as I examined the room full of people; so many faces that I had tried to forget.
But before I could even attempt to reminisce further, my eyes fell upon a pair of bright green eyes that for six years I had looked into every time I looked at Camille. The eyes of my first love. My heart fell to the floor, and although I wanted to run and hide I could not move. He had not yet seen me, and I knew the shock would be unmistakable when he did, for there was no reason on earth for him to expect such a reunion tonight. That is, unless Madison had warned him. She had to have. Yes, I was quite sure. That would only be fair. Perhaps that’s why he was so late. Maybe he was just as nervous as I was. But he still came. That had to be a good sign. So many thoughts were suddenly whizzing in my head, I couldn’t quite sort them out.
He laughed at something someone said, I couldn’t hear what, but without meaning to, I smiled too. I could not tear my eyes away from him. He still had that same glow about him that I had fallen in love with all those years ago. His hair was still the exact same shade of strawberry blonde that I had remembered, but it was much shorter now. I smiled again as he pushed the locks out of his eyes, the same way he always did. I had forgotten. How could I have forgotten that? I had remembered him as if he had existed in another life far before this one, but so suddenly it felt as if I had never stopped looking at him. His smile was so beautiful. It was hard to feel anything but happy when he was smiling. I was still nervous, but it wasn’t a sick nervous anymore.
That is, until my day-dreaming was interrupted when I saw the expression of disbelief upon his face. He had seen me. There was no more hiding, or admiring from afar; he had found me. I stood up suddenly, unsure of how to validate the shared glance. As much as I tried, I could not get myself to stop staring at him. Our eyes were locked on one another, and as awkward as the moment was growing, there was no escaping it. All I could think about was his smile. And before I had any further time to think, he was smiling at me. Smiling! Of all the things he could be doing. But what came as more of a surprise was that his smile was in response to my own.
“Joss, come here for a sec,” Madison called from the kitchen. My trance was broken by the call and without any hesitation, I was gone. “Joss, my back is really bothering me,” Madison started as I burst into the kitchen. But I showed no concern. I was far too distracted. “What is it? What’s wrong?” She asked, completely forgetting her own troubles.
“Oh, it’s nothing… I’m, I’m fine,” I replied, surprisingly truthfully. The sight of him did not trouble me as much as I had anticipated. I was fine. I could handle it. “What’s wrong with your back?” I asked, now focusing on her. She was rubbing her lower back quite fiercely. I pulled up a chair and helped my very pregnant friend into it. She began pointing out and describing the pain as I rubbed the same pressure points that my nurse had rubbed to cure my pain in labor. The pain seemed to be severe enough to keep Madison at a heightened level of concern, and therefore kept me in the kitchen and away from those eyes.
“Are you okay honey?” Blare said, relieving me of my paternal duties. I explained the normality of the situation to the two worried parents and instructed Blare on how to continue the massage. I explained to them that every first time mother thinks she is in labor at the sign of every pain. This was not labor just yet.
However I, being the helpful friend that I am, offered my services at the now unattended bar. In the other room. The room with those eyes. All of the sudden, I was desperate to get back to them. Without wanting to concern the guests, Blare agreed to send me back into the party to take over as host. I was more than willing. Without a second thought, I rushed back into the crowd and stationed myself behind the bar. With nothing less than a beautiful smile, I poured drinks and kept the questions about the mom-to-be answered. All the while, I casually searched.
“Ice!” Someone yelled from the group gathered in front of the bar. I scavenged the bar area for ice but found none. Quickly, before more people were in need, I ran towards the garage with the ice bucket in hand. I filled the bucket as fast as I could and hurried back inside to keep the party under control. I made my way through the group, trying to appear as busy as I could to avoid conversation. I was not willing to be caught off guard. I wanted to be in control of the situation, and I had established the bar as my territory. When he was ready, he could approach and I would see him coming.
But apparently, he too wanted to be in control of the situation. In my absence, being the helpful friend that he was, he had stepped in as bartender, therefore ruining my entire cool, calm and collected plan. I stopped at the sight of him. But I knew I could not run away any longer. I slowly made my way towards him, never letting his smile leave my line of sight. My heart was pounding. The moment I had been both dreading and recently pining for, was here. For better or for worse.
“Hey Mamma,” He chimed, with the same adoring tone as if I had never left his side. I smiled at the forgotten nickname, and joined him behind the bar.
“Hello Hayden,” I said, with my tail between my legs. I couldn’t even get myself to look at him. I couldn’t tear my eyes away before, but the sudden close proximity, somehow made looking at him unbearable. However, I could feel his eyes on me. He was a good six inches taller than I, so all I had to do was keep my eyes at eye level and avoidance was achieved.
“You look…” Hayden examined me, momentarily forgetting his bartending duties. The pause grew too long for me to continue ignoring his glance. I calmly brought my eyes up to his, trying to remain as in control as I could. It had been six years since our last shared glance. Six years since our last kiss. Six years since this feeling of love and exuberance had taken over my body.
“…Beautiful” Hayden finished. “You look beautiful.” I graciously smiled at him and he smiled back. Six years of fear and dread and unknowns… and I was beautiful? There were no questions, and yet still no answers. I was amazed by him. He must have been dying to ask all the unanswered questions that had been lingering for years. He must have, in some small or even overwhelming way, wanted to blame me or yell or accuse. But he didn’t. He just smiled and helped me bartend. It was as if nothing had ever happened and time had never passed.
It was completely freaking me out.
All the unspoken words were doing a fine job of filling the silence between us, well that and the unending line of drinking party guests, but the awkwardness wasn’t harsh. It was just there. Inevitable.
But alas, the party finally drew to a close. And with no sign of Blare of Madison, clean up duty fell to me. And to my great delight and surprise, despite the lack of conversation so far, Hayden volunteered to stick around and help me clean up. I didn’t know if he was working up the courage to ask me the questions he wanted to ask, or if he just felt responsible to help. Either way, I had missed being around him so terribly, that even if we cleaned in awkward silence, I’d prefer it to an awkward goodbye.
But we weren’t silent. Hayden spoke first. Ironically, he asked about my daughter. Madison had kept him a little more in the loop than I would have thought…
“And he kissed her, so I guess she just kicked him!” I laughed, as I picked the empty plastic cups off the side tables, and piled them into a huge trash bag.
“Wow, that’s rough! Sounds like she takes after her mother,” Hayden flirted. I decided to bite.
“Oh yea? What does that mean?”
“Well, you didn’t kick me, but you can be rough,” Hayden played. There was no mistaking the implications of his joke, but he was still smiling, which I took as a good sign.
“Yea, I guess so.”
I left it at that.
Perhaps this was all water under the bridge. I couldn’t believe that the conversation about Camille had not brought up the obvious questions. But I certainly wasn’t ready to talk about it either. I didn’t want to talk, I knew we couldn’t avoid it forever, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I was going to say goodbye…
It didn’t take us long to clear the mess, but it seemed that neither of us wanted to leave the other’s company. We kept finding things to do to stay busy. And yet we kept dancing around the real conversation we needed to have.
When I left school, we were not only deeply in love, but we were the closest and best of friends. I had never been closer to anyone in my life. It took everything I had to leave, and I did it all to save him… or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. But being with him again reminded me of how happy and carefree life had once been. Hayden reminded me that love was not a memory I wanted to suppress any longer. I had been lucky with him. He was a perfect part of my life. And even if I wasn’t able to say what I needed to say, the trip had definitely turned out to be more than worth it.
“I can’t believe Mamma’s really a Mamma,” he commented, after the moment of silence. The subject was dangerously closer to something real, so I tried to divert.
“Why do you call me that anyway? You’ve called me that since the day we started dating,” I asked, not missing the irony.
“Cause you’ve been motherly since the day I met you,” He answered, innocently. He really did not seem to be at all aware of the secret that was just floating in the air between us.
“You used to pick up everyone’s shoes, and you would take all the dishes to the sink, and you would make sure there was enough toilet paper in every bathroom, and you… you would sing me to sleep,” he smiled, running over a perhaps forgotten memory in his mind. I smiled too. “And I remember that more than anything else you wanted to be a mom.” He went back to stuffing the trash bag trying to disguise the fact that back then, more than anything else, he wanted to be the father of that baby. I continued stuffing my own trash bag, trying to disguise the fact that he was. Before the awkward moment sent Hayden home, my cell phone blared loudly from my buried purse. Hayden found the source of the ringing first and handed it to me.
“Hello?” I answered, turning my back to Hayden as he continued to clean silently.
“Hey, it’s me. Sissy wants to talk to you,” Kaydence chimed in on the other line.
“What? Kaydence, it‘s the middle of the night! What is she even doing awake?” Hayden snickered a little from behind me at the mention of my sister’s name. He had so loved tormenting her when he and I were an item.
“Jo, she just woke up crying, and she‘s all upset. She says she can‘t sleep without talking to you,” Kaydence would not take the blame.
“Kaydence, damn it!”
“What do you want me to do? She was crying!” She yelled.
“Put her on!” I surrendered. There was a pause.
“Hi Mamma,” Camille rang, with a tired voice. The name ‘Mamma’ was really starting to strike a chord. I glanced over at Hayden, but he was successfully pretending to ignore me.
“Cams, what are you doing? Do you know what time it is? You have to go to bed, sweetheart.”
“Mamma, I tried. I went to bed on time and everything, but I can‘t sleep,” She whined.
“Camille! It’s way past your bedtime.”
“Mamma, I know, I just-”
“What is it?” I hated to have to reprimand her, but I was really upset that she was awake so late. Hayden finished picking up the trash in the room and tied the top of the bag in a knot. He tried to remain collected, but something about the woman he once loved so dearly and the daughter that should have been his sent his emotions in a bit of a whirl. He sat down on the couch and tried to restrain from eavesdropping. But I could see that something had changed.
“But Mamma, I’m scared!” Camille said.
“There’s nothing to be scared of. Aunt Kaydence is there.”
“When are you coming home?” Camille tried to work her way under my skin.
“Soon. Now Camille, I’m only going to tell you one more time…”
“You have to sing the song or I can’t sleep,” Camille insisted, pulling out all the stops. I sighed. I had a feeling that that was what this was about.
“Honey, I can’t right now.” There was no way I was singing in front of Hayden.
“Mamma!”
“Aunt Kaydence can do it.”
“No Mamma, you.”
I sighed again. This time louder and more frustrated. I knew there was no avoiding it. I tried to sneak another glance at Hayden, but that only made the situation worse.
“And then you’ll go to bed?” I whispered.
“Promise,” She answered.
“Alright, but you have to sing it with me.” She had won. She usually did. “Ready?… I love you in the morning. I love you in the night. I love you when you’re bad. I even love you when you’re right,” I sang along as her tiny, little voice echoed in the receiver with every word. Hayden watched in awe. He wasn’t even trying to disguise it. “I love you every single day, and if you ask me why… It’s because you make me smile, even when I want to cry!” We finished together and she burst into a fit of laughter and cheers. I quietly gave my side of the cheering effort. Hayden was fully amused. “Alright angel, time for bed,” I said, as she began to calm down. We said our final ‘goodnights’ and I smiled as I hung up the phone. I looked down at my watch. 11:38. “I can’t believe she’s still awake,” I confessed, turning my attention back to Hayden.
“You’re a good mom,” He said with conviction. It held a lot of weight coming from him. “How old is she?”
I swallowed hard. Surely he had put the pieces together. I grabbed my garbage bag and started fussing with the ties, so as to avoid eye contact.
“She’ll be six on the 15th… big party, Sponge Bob! The whole works,” I answered, faking a laugh. I left my garbage bag and made my way through the scattered furniture and plopped down at the other end of the couch. I looked over at him again, examining his expression for clues. He was completely unreadable.
“Do you have a picture of her?” He asked.
This was it. He would notice the similarities. He would have to. He couldn’t overlook the fact that Camille’s eyes were the exact same color as his own, and her nose curved up in the exact same way his does. He couldn’t possibly look past such obvious things. Or maybe he had already figured out my secret and now only needed some sort of proof. But this is what I had come to say… so be it.
“Yea…” I answered, choking out the word. “I have a picture.” I stood up calmly, retrieved my purse and began searching for Camille’s first grade class photo as I returned to the couch. I sat back down as my fingers finally fell upon it. I pulled it out and looked at it for a moment, extremely nervous about bringing this man into my world in the way he rightfully deserved to be. But with a steady hand, I handed him the photo of our daughter. He took the picture and examined it for quite a while without saying a word. The suspense was insane. I was just waiting for the wrath, or the tears, or the hate to be unleashed.
“She looks exactly like you,” He finally said, after what seemed like years. He smiled and continued the observation, seeming to be completely oblivious to the words at the tip of my tongue. He shook his head with satisfaction and handed the telling photograph back to me. We smiled and I gave the picture one last glance before replacing it in my purse. I was dumbfounded.
“Well…” he said with a sigh, breaking the moment before it had a chance to fester. He stood up, and I followed his lead. I didn’t want him to leave- he couldn’t leave- and yet I couldn’t think of any reason why he should stay; Other than all the words that I needed to say. But, like a good host, I followed him to the front door and opened it. Hayden stopped just before the door, perhaps out of habit and looked down at me. I wanted so badly to tell him the secret that had been burning inside of me since the day Camille was born. But I did not know how to say it. I couldn’t just blurt it out. Especially not now. I just was so confused and this night had not gone anything like I had planned it and suddenly, I was back in my original panic. Was this running ever going to end? Would I ever be free?
“When are you going back?” Hayden asked. It was not a question I had anticipated. I stumbled over the answer.
“Thursday.”
“So I should pick you up tomorrow at 7:00?” He asked, with a coy tone. It took me a moment to adjust the features of my face to a smile.
“Or not…” Hayden tried to recover.
“No!”
“No?” He asked, surprised.
“No, I mean, yes. Yes! Yes, please come pick me up tomorrow,” I said, pushing the hair off my forehead. Was I really so lucky? Not only was I being given another chance, but I was being asked out on a date by the love of my life. It was all a little too much. I just could not get over how strangely and how completely unexpectedly this night had gone. How on earth did I get here? And why on earth had I left?
“You don’t have to beg. Geez. I’ll be here at 7:00,” he teased, easing the tension like
always.
I smiled back. My heart was racing and my head was numb. And just when I thought that the night could not have gone any better, Hayden bent over and kissed me ever so gently on the forehead. He pulled my head close to his chest and I felt his lips come down on my hair. He sighed. It would seem that he was a little tormented by things unsaid as well. Or perhaps he was wondering why on earth he was allowing himself to get involved with the girl who ruined him. I couldn’t quite figure out which thing I hoped for.
“Goodnight,” he whispered.
“Night,” I answered. And then he let me go.
September 5th
Wednesday
The entirety of the next day was spent filling Madison in on every detail of the previous night, both regarding Hayden and the remainder of the party in general. I simply could not express in words how wonderful he still was, and how much he put me at ease about the situation. Even though he didn’t know what he was putting me at ease about. However, Madison wasn’t so sure that the night had gone as well as I was describing. She could see the let down that I was building for myself. She knew that as soon as the dreaded secret was told, Hayden would have a much different attitude towards me. Madison was trying to tread lightly, but her point was clear. It was true. It was not going to be all sunshine and roses once everything had been put out on the table.
But I wanted so badly to believe that things could work out for the best. In no way did I expect him to move to New York with me, or even to be a father to Camille, but I hoped that we would be able to stay in contact and put all bad feelings in the past. Madison did not know how to prepare me for the heartbreak that I was trying to ignore; the heartbreak that I had been banking on for years. There was no denying it; I was living in a fantasy.
And on top of everything else, I still had absolutely no idea of how to actually break the news. You would think that after all these years of thinking and wondering about this very moment, I would have planned out a speech or something. At least I should have thought it through a little bit. But the truth is, there is no good way, no good circumstance that will lessen the blow or help ease the pain. I was just going to have to find a way to say it. And it wasn’t going to come out right, no matter how it came out. Of that, I was pretty much positive. And Madison wasn’t about to let me dream that reality away.
“How do I look?” I asked, after spending an unusually long time in the bathroom preparing for my last date with my first love. I wore my favorite black pants and my tightest baby blue sweater. I left my curls down just like I know he liked. I was sure to steal his heart, unfortunately, just to break it again.
“Well, if sexy is what you’re going for, you look it. But I don‘t think that that should be the focal point of this date, Jocelyn,” Madison said, shaking her head at me. She was clearly not at all sold on the idea of a date. “I don’t know if this is the best way to go about this.”
“What is the best way?” I finally broke. My heart was a mess. I knew she was right but I couldn’t deny my feelings either. I knew there was no good way, I knew this was going to go horribly wrong, but what else could I do?
“You just need to tell him,” Madison did not lose her cool.
“Should I just call him then? Tell him this is not a date, but a family conference. He asked me out, what should I have said?”
“Just tell him, Joss,” She said, leaving the bathroom.
“I know…I’m going to tell him,” I hissed after her. I turned back to my reflection in the mirror and was suddenly painfully aware of how sexy I was trying to look. My hair was perfect and I hadn’t warn this much make up in years. What exactly was I trying to do here? What disillusions had I allowed myself to fall into? I scoffed and threw my makeup in a bag. I suddenly couldn’t quite stand to look at myself.
I made my way down the hall towards the kitchen where I knew Madison would be waiting to see me off. It was almost 7:00. And sure enough there she was, standing behind the counter, staring down at her hands when I walked in. I took in a deep breath to apologize, but she cut me off before I could begin.
“He’s not going to take you back,” Madison said, simply. The definitiveness of her tone stopped me in my tracks. It crushed me, which came as a surprise. Apparently, she had hit the nail on the head. That was, after all, what I was secretly hoping for. But the undeniable truth was that this news was going to break him, and she knew, as well as I, that he would turn away. He would not embrace this new family as I was perhaps hoping. And she knew that that was exactly what I had been running from all these years.
I just stood there for a minute, searching the room for something to say. But I couldn’t think of a single thing. She was right. I had tried and tried to convince myself that all would be well; that everything would go smoothly and that the relationship I wanted for both myself and my daughter with this person would be achieved somehow, someday. But that just wasn’t going to be the case. I had ruined any chance of that when I walked out so long ago.
Without a word, I grabbed my purse and went outside to wait for Hayden alone. I knew what I had to do.
Hayden was on time as usual, and he wore the proudest smile that any woman would love to be on the receiving end of. I couldn’t help but love him. After all the years and all the ups and downs, I couldn’t help but smile at him. I knew at that moment as I climbed into his ‘68, Chevy pickup truck, that no matter what the outcome of this night, he would never leave my heart. He would always be the one that got away. His memory would never stop making me smile. I just hoped that after it was all over with, I would be able to hold onto that.
“You were Lady Montague in Romeo and Juliet… and I was Tybalt,” Hayden confessed, as he took a swig of his coke. As if the circumstances of this awkward date setting weren’t hard enough for me, Hayden’s night out consisted of burgers from our favorite restaurant, consumed, picnic style at our ‘favorite spot.’ Hayden never did anything half way. Every moment in our relationship was perfect and memorable because Hayden lived for making it count. And even though he didn’t actually acknowledge that he had brought me to this specific place, there was no way he could have thought that I would forget. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, he brought me out to this same romantic place. And after that moment, every major event in our relationship took place at what became known as our ‘favorite spot.’ It was a beautiful congregation of cliffs that overlooked the ocean. We had a million memories that correlated with this spot, and I couldn’t look past that. I couldn’t ignore that. Nor could I pretend that it was coincidence. He had a plan. A plan that I was about to destroy.
But at the same time, I couldn’t help but think that this might be the best place to confess. It almost felt fitting that it should happen here. This was where it all began, after all.
“That’s when you realized you loved me?” I laughed, half heartedly. This would have been such a dream scenario in any other world. Such a perfect second chance at a first date. But it was only making the inevitable unbearably hard.
“That’s when I fell in love,” Hayden confirmed.
“But we didn’t even talk until the show was over,” I stalled. The further into the conversation we went, the closer the words came to the service.
“You’re right, it was the last day of the show. But the day you walked into the first rehearsal… I just knew. There was something about you. And it was horrible!” Hayden said. I just watched him talk, trying to memorize the moment. I was still so mesmerized by him. He had never told me this story before, and I was curious what spurred his telling me now, but I didn’t ask. I was glad to hear it, whatever the reason. I knew it would be my last chance.
“Why was that horrible?”
“Cause you were a Montague! It was just horrible!”
I laughed, again less enthusiastic than intended.
“I remember, the first time you walked onstage with me, I was supposed to act like I hated you, but I couldn’t stop staring at you. You were so beautiful,” He smiled with the recollection, as he stared out at the bright colors of the sky. The love he had held onto was so unexpected. I had tried to convince myself that it was more of a dream than a reality since I’d been in New York. But I was wrong. It was real. It was very real. Why had I run from it?
“I remember… you were coming out of the girls dressing room on the night of our last show, and you were in your normal street clothes… you had changed out of your costume, and you had wiped all the stage makeup off your face, so you were all red and splotchy… You were just walking by me in the hall to go out and say hi to your friends in the audience, and you looked up and smiled as you passed. And I remember thinking ‘if I don’t stop her right now, I may never get the courage to ask her out.’ So I grabbed your arm-”
“And you asked me if I needed a ride to the cast party,” I cut in, remembering the moment as clearly as he did. It was a moment I was not likely to ever forget.
“I didn’t know what else to say.” He smiled bashfully, looking me in the eyes for the first time this evening. I nodded and smiled. I knew the feeling.
“I’m glad you said something,” I said. Would he be glad I spoke up too? I wasn’t so sure.
He sighed and broke the eye contact before it became something more. He put his arm around me and pulled me into him, and softly kissed my forehead as it rested on his chest like old times. I could feel the guilt welling up inside me. The secret was burning a hole in my heart and I could barely breathe. I could feel the tears coming and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hide much longer.
My mouth was bone dry and my throat ached with sadness, but I was as ready as I was ever going to be.
“Hayden, I-” I started. But something stopped me once again. This time it was not my conscience or my fear, but instead it was my dreaded phone. I rolled my eyes and signed as I searched my ringing purse for my excuse. Saved by the bell! Hayden, unaware of the news about to be told, simply watched the setting sun without my shared annoyance. “Hello,” I answered.
“Maddie’s having the baby!” Blare yelled in a slurring mess. My heart hit the floor, and my breath was taken out of my lungs. Oh yea, Maddison! Hayden looked over my expression and tried to read it.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered, very confused. I put one finger up to quite him.
“Okay, we’re on our way. I’ll meet you there,” I answered. I stood up and gathered my things as I hung up the phone. Hayden stood up and followed me towards the car, still waiting for me to clue him in.
“Maddie’s having the baby!” I yelled, as I started to jog the last few yards to the car.
“Now?”
“Yes, right now!” I yelled, jumping in the passenger side. He hesitated for a moment, glancing back at the blanket and mess we had left behind, but wisely decided to leave it. He drove us to the hospital as fast as his car would allow.
“Madison Wood, please!” I blurted out at the first nurse I saw once inside the hospital. Hayden calmly led me into the waiting room, before the nurse could reveal any vivid, unfiltered details. I was simply beside myself with fear. Maddison was early. She still had nearly a month left. Something was wrong. Had the stress of my situation caused this? If something were to happened to either Madison or the baby, I would just die. But Hayden was the picture of calm.
“Ma, listen, it’s going to be fine. Don’t worry, okay? I’m just going to go talk to the nurse for a second,” Hayden said.
“The baby is almost a month early, Hayden. She’s not supposed to be having it. This isn’t supposed to happen. Something is wrong!” I stared at the floor trying to keep control of my emotions, but the tears were now flowing freely down my face.
Hayden smiled a little at my panic and put his arm around me again. I was starting to get used to it.
“I’m sure it’s fine. Just let me go figure it out, alright?” He said, very calmly. I tried to believe him. He gently brought my chin up so that I had to look him in the eyes. “It’s fine, okay?” He asked again, forcing me to respond. I nodded.
“She was having problems last night at the party. Those pains she was having were contractions. But I was too preoccupied!” I cried. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. I wasn’t even being a good best friend. Hayden embraced me in a hug, knowing he could not help me in any other way.
“Are you here for Madison Wood?” A young nurse, with dark red hair asked from the doorway of the waiting room. I was on my feet with the confirmation, and stood attentive ready for the news, good or bad. The nurse smiled calmly, and led the two of us into the delivery waiting room without any news at all. The small waiting room was absolutely packed with every single person in both Madison and Blare’s families. I couldn’t help but clam down at the sight of so many familiar, smiling faces. No one even seemed the least bit worried. Everyone welcomed the two of us and filled us in on the labor thus far. Everything seemed to be in order and running smoothly to my great relief. The baby was simply early. I guess this was just the straw that had broken the camel’s back. I had been firing on all cylinders for far too long.
“It’s a girl,” Hayden informed me, coming out onto the hospital balcony. The last stages of labor had taken a turn for the worse, and I had to step outside. Hayden, try as he might to calm me, was only making my anxiety worse, and he could sense it. The truth was I couldn’t bear to be in that small, crowded room if bad news were to have been delivered. The day had become too much for me to handle and I was desperate for air. It was all too overwhelming. I needed to get away from all the memories and all the confusion that the last 48 hours had brought back into my life.
“6 pounds, 8 ounces…perfectly healthy!” Hayden tested the waters, unsure of whether or not the atmosphere of the balcony was welcoming. He could tell that something very profound had changed with me; and with us. He didn’t pretend to think it was just Maddison and the baby, but he couldn’t possibly have guessed at what.
“6 pounds… 8 ounces?” I questioned, without looking back at him. Hayden, still quite hesitant, edged his way towards me as if I were a ticking bomb. He placed his elbows on the ledge, like me, and tried to disguise his steeled glances.
“Yep…” He confirmed, cautiously.
“That’s exactly how much Camille weighed,” I stated, almost sarcastically. I knew that this was no coincidence.
“Oh really? That’s-” Hayden tried to speak but I cut him off.
“Hayden… how come you haven’t asked me why I left you?” This was it. For better or for worse, this was it. I said it without even looking over at him. I just stared straight ahead. I had somehow managed to throw up a brick wall that would allow me to get the words out without too much torture. At least none on my end.
“I’m not sure that I wanted to know,” He answered, honestly, as if he knew the question was coming.
“You didn’t want to know?” I protested, turning towards him.
“I don’t know, Ma. You used to say that if we were meant to be, we would be. And then you just left…” he said, so very matter-of-factly.
“That’s it? That’s all you thought?”
“Well, no… I don’t know. I thought a lot of things… But then you came back, and I realized that I didn’t want to ruin what chance we may have had by bringing up the past that really doesn’t apply anymore.” He could feel the tension rising to a boiling point, and did everything he could to smother it right away. He didn’t want this fight, that had been one step behind us since the moment we locked eyes at the party, to come up now and ruin everything.
“Hayden… I left you, and you never asked me why!” I yelled. “You must have loved me.”
“I did love you, Jocelyn. I still love you.” It was honest. He meant it. But the words didn’t have the effect on me that either of us would have suspected. I was so mad at him so suddenly. And yet, I was far angrier at myself. A tear ran down my cheek. I didn’t know if it was sadness, or anger, or guilt, or fear that sent the tear, but the confusion of it all brought more in its tracks.
“Are you mad at me because of that? Because I haven’t asked?” He paused, but I didn’t respond. I just stared at him, and he could see the anger there. “When I saw you I just realized that it didn’t matter to me anymore. Everything has been going great between us. I thought that’s what you would have wanted!” Hayden yelled back, growing more confused by the second.
“Who knows what I wanted!” I cried.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Jocelyn?” He asked, desperately.
“Hayden… don’t you find it strange that I leave you… and come back six years later, with a five year old child?… Doesn’t that strike you as odd?” I couldn’t stop the tears or the words now. I was once again breaking the heart of the man that I loved. But this time I was sticking around to watch it happen. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed this charade to go on for so long. I had been living a lie for six years, and although it was a world of relief to finally tell him, it was a pain I could have never imagined to see the expression on his face. It was as if I had just punched him in the gut with all the strength I could possibly muster.
“What are you telling me?” He asked calmly, after a thunderous silence. His soft, caring eyes had turned to cold, hard rocks. He stared deep into me, and for an instant I wished with everything I had that I could take it all back. Not only the confession, but every moment I had with our daughter that he didn’t have. I wished I could hand it all over to him.
“Do the math,” I said, as the tears slowed. There was nothing left to say and no more tears to cry. “You’re her father, Hayden… Camille’s yours.”
An eerie silence settled in the space between breathes. Hayden didn’t yell, or cry, or smile. He only stood in absolute stillness, which made the hairs on my neck stand up. We looked at each other for a long time, not knowing who should talk, or what should be said. There was no name for the expression that he wore; there was no correlating emotion. All that there was, were two dead eyes. Every answer he could have ever wanted, he now had. After what seemed like an eternity a single tear fell from his harsh eyes. But as it ran down his skin, I could see that it was washing away the color from his face as it went. His amazing green eyes, and peachy complexion seemed to lose all pigment as the tear made its way along the contours of his face. But his blank expression did not change, nor lose shape. And his eyes, not for one moment, looked anywhere besides right into mine. He was frightening. But before I could utter a word of explanation or comfort, he turned on his heels in disgust and disbelief, and left me alone in the cold silence of the hospital balcony.
September 6th
Thursday
“Thank you ladies and gentlemen for choosing American Airlines as your mode of travel this afternoon. We hope you enjoyed your flight, and we hope you enjoy your stay here in New York City.” The flight attendant’s echoing voice was like an alarm clock going off in my head. For the first time in my entire life I had actually managed to fall asleep on a plane flight. The week’s events had made for a very tiring trip. I slowly gathered my things and made my way off the airplane. The abnormally, busy terminal was of no concern to me. I wanted nothing more than to be at home with my beautiful daughter, whom I missed immensely.
Kaydence was waiting curbside just as she had promised a few days prior. It was strange to think that the entirety of my life had been altered in only a few days time. Everything was different for me now. Every thought went back to that moment on the balcony. And as much as I wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened, I knew that I would have to answer to my sister’s inquiries.
Kaydence refused to desist without the complete story with all details intact. I tried to sneak by with telling her only the necessary information, but she spent the entire trip back to the city dragging every painful moment out of me, just as any other honorable sister would do.
“So he just walked away? He didn’t say anything?” Kaydence clarified. She couldn’t believe it. She was so completely engulfed in the story, that all privacy concerns and boundaries were totally ignored. She just couldn’t believe that after all this time the truth was finally told. But more than that, she couldn’t believe that with the given circumstances, things went so smoothly.
“I don’t know what he is even thinking about all this. He just left,” I answered, staring out my window, trying to erase that horrible image of the look on his face from my memory.
“And you never talked to him after that?” Kaydence urged me further. She could barely pay attention to the road. Her focus was entirely on me. “He didn’t call you?”
“That was last night. I left this morning,” I responded. My words were blank and emotionless. It was as if everything inside of me had been drained. I could hardly keep my eye lids from collapsing in.
“That’s just amazing,” Kaydence shook her head, and brought her attention back to the road. “What did Maddie say about it?” She again turned her focus to me, needing more. She just couldn’t get enough.
“I don’t think she even knows. She was pretty out of it during all this. I didn’t tell her about it today.” I brought my hands up to my face and tried to rub the dried tears away. “It’s just been a hell of a few days.”
“Well, you got a baby girl that’s been waiting all day for her Mamma to get home,” She smiled, knowing this would be the one thing that would brighten my day.
“Oh thank God for that child!” I sighed, letting my hands fall back into my lap. “Where is she right now?” I wondered, knowing there was no other family in New York that she could have been left with.
“In daycare,” Kaydence answered, expecting the question. It drove her crazy that I would never fully trust her with the baby, but she let this particular moment pass, seeing that I was in no state for an argument.
We drove the remainder of the way in silence, which suited me just fine. I had done my fair share of talking this week, and if life was kind, I wouldn’t ever have to open my mouth again. I was tired. Tired of talking and more so, tried of not talking. Tired of keeping the words inside. Tired of lying. Tired of telling the truth. Tired of everything.
“Mamma!” Camille screamed as she flew from the arms of the daycare manager and into mine, as I bent down to receive her. I was too weak to scream, but my heart was screaming just as loud as Camille. I had missed her more than I could have ever predicted. It was such an unbelievable relief to hold her close to me once again. I didn’t want to let her go. A tear rolled down my cheek and onto her shoulder as she rested her head gently on my chest. She let me hold her longer than usual, as if she knew that I needed it. Sometimes I forgot she was just a five year old. She had the heart of an angel and the wisdom of an old woman.
“I missed you.” I sighed and squeezed her tightly before I finally let her go. She was everything that mattered. I couldn’t allow my personal life and decisions to interfere with her life and her well being. She was my angel.
“I missed you more,” I smiled, trying so hard not to break down. My face contorted as I fought to keep the tears within. Kaydence simply stood aside and watched, nearing tears herself.
“Mamma, why are you crying?” Camille asked, very sincere. She touched my face and felt the streams down my cheek. I smiled as more tears fell onto her small finger tips. She looked at me so concerned, and so loving. I stared right into her beautiful green eyes and couldn’t get myself to say anything to ease her confusion. “I love you every single day, and if you ask me why: It’s because you make me smile, even when I want to cry,” Camille sang to me. I laughed, now unable to disguise the coming tears. Kaydence let a choked giggle past her lips, and she brought her hand up to stop it. I smiled.
“Even when I want to cry,” I repeated. I kissed Camille’s forehead and stood up as I wiped the tears from my face. I took in a deep breath, and grabbed Camille’s eager hand. Together, the three of us got in the car and drove home.
September 7th
Friday
I woke up Friday morning feeling as if I was beginning a new life. My former life had been left behind somewhere in my land of dreaming, and my new life was waiting just outside, in the midst of all the city’s hurry. My world was different now. My world was right now, one way or another. I realized that I just had to let it all go. It was done now. It was over. Regardless of past histories or ghosts in my closet, my world had to move forward at last, and I was finally ready to take the first step. Well, at least I was ready to try. There was nothing holding me back any longer.
I smiled as I looked in the mirror, and I took the time to do my makeup and make myself look and feel better. I slowed down, and took in everything around me. The morning was bright and the air was crisp. The city below me was humming. Everything seemed to be the same as it had been every other morning, since the first morning I moved here, but something had changed. Something was profoundly different. And I was determined to make it a good thing.
“Cammie, how about we go get some ice cream?” I suggested, as we walked home from school. Even the walk home was the exact same walk that I had taken almost every day, and yet it was not at all familiar. Camille held my hand tightly, and skipped along trying not to step on a crack. That was her only care in the world: not to step on a crack.
“Yea!” She exclaimed, quite excited.
We walked to the ice cream parlor at a slow pace. I was in no hurry. I looked up towards the sky, just like all the tourist. And for the first time I saw why they always had their heads cocked towards the heavens. New York was a huge spectacle. It really was. I hadn’t ever taken the time to notice. I marveled silently at the immense buildings that I had walked past every day. They were amazing, so large and so strong. I could hardly see the top of some of them. Looking up at the enormous skyscrapers made my problems seem so much smaller and so insignificant. Life was much bigger than me and I had been letting it pass me by for far too long. It was time for a change.
Camille and I each got two scoops of chocolate ice cream on a waffle cone. We picked a booth next to the window so that we could watch all the people walk by. Camille loved to speak for all the passers by that filed by our window, filling their silent walk with her own voice over.
“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date,” She said, as a man in a suit rushed by, checking his watch twice before he left our view. I smiled and took a lick of my ice cream.
“I wonder if spider man could climb up this thing,” I narrated for the thoughts of a tourist who stood right outside the window, starring up at the dozens of floors of the building above us. Camille laughed out loud as we both examined the colorful man.
“Spider man could definitely climb that building,” Camille confirmed to herself.
“Cams, can I ask you something?” I asked her, as she tried to bend over far enough to see the top of the building the man was so excited by.
“Uh huh,” Camille answered, without giving me her attention.
“Honey… do you wish you had a daddy?” I inquired, unsure of how she would react to such a question. But with the recent events, I was unsure of whether or not her father would ever become an issue. Camille looked at me, knowing I had never before brought up her father. She didn’t miss the significance.
“What do you mean Mamma?” She asked, almost afraid.
“Do you think you have a good enough life with me? Or do you wish you had a daddy like your other friends?” I clarified. It was such a confusing topic for the both of us, I had no idea of how to approach it other than this.
“I don’t want a daddy cause Megan‘s daddy is really tall and he doesn‘t look nice,” Camille answered, helping herself to a lick from her cone.
“What if you had a daddy that would never hurt you? And what if he was really nice to you?” I probed further. I didn’t know what I wanted her answer to be. And I didn’t know if I could bear to give her what she wanted, whatever her response was.
“No, I just like you,” She answered, after careful consideration.
“Are you sure though? I mean, daddies are important.”
“I don’t have a daddy though,” Camille answered.
“But what if you could just… suddenly have a daddy?”
“I don’t know Mamma.” Camille didn’t seem to be enjoying the conversation, and I didn’t want to confuse her or force any ideas into her head.
“Yea… I don’t know either.” I gave up. “We do okay, don’t we?” I asked. I was doing just fine as a single parent. Although I would have loved for Hayden to be a part of our life, I didn’t need help from a father. Camille was growing up just fine without one. A father would only complicate things. A father would only further confuse things. Or at least such excuses would have to due while there was not a father.
“Yea,” She answered, giggling.
“You’re not too messed up, right?” I teased.
“Right,” She said, laughing again.
“Good!” I responded. I sighed as Camille went back to her cone and her narrations. We were doing fine.
September 8th
Saturday
Although I did feel like my life was becoming something different, and I was trying desperately to put the past in the past where it rightfully belonged, I couldn’t shake the thought of Hayden and his reaction- or lack of such- to the knowledge of Camille. His face would just pop into the forefront of my mind without warning all throughout the day and it was becoming really difficult to try to move forward. Every time I pictured his face, my heart would skip and my head would find its way off track. I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had I not left. Or what our life together would have become. I couldn’t help but think about how things would be different, or whether they’d be better or worse. Would Camille still be the same adorable, intelligent, eager, young girl that she was? Would I? Would I be able to offer Camille a life that she deserved? A life better than the one that I could provide? Hayden used to always remind me that everything happens for a reason. Everything that is meant to be will be. And therefore, is this how my life was meant to be? Or had I cheated the system somewhere down the line? My thoughts ran wild, and fought my efforts at moving forward. I tried to see the world in a different light as my heart wanted, but my mind disagreed. I could not forget. I could not leave my past in the past. But I couldn’t figure out what to do with it either.
“Push me, Mamma. You’re forgetting!” Camille instructed, ripping me from my wondering thoughts. I brought my attention to my nearly stationary daughter on the swing.
“Oh, sorry sweetheart,” I apologized, as I pulled her up towards the sky and let her fall back into the rhythm that gravity provided. She cheered as the wind ripped through her curls, and her overalls. The swings were her favorite past time. She would spend hours traveling back and forth if only I had the patience. I couldn’t help but laugh as she continued to be amused by such repetition. Her life was so simple.
“I thought I might find you here,” Kaydence said, as she moseyed through the playing children in the sand. She stood out in her pants suit, fresh from work.
“Every Saturday,” I confirmed, as I pushed Camille a little higher with each cheer.
“Hi aunt Kaydence,” Camille welcomed through her cheering.
“Hey there, Sissy,” She answered, with the same excitement. “You have to come by the office and sign those forms. They have to be notarized and they do have a dead line, you know,” Kaydence affirmed, redirecting her attention to me as she plopped down on the swing beside us. I nodded. I had been putting off our stock agreements for the last few weeks, and her patience with me was running thin.
“Tuesday is my day off, so I’ll come by in the morning,” I promised, hoping that I would remember. Kaydence shook her head, hoping the same thing.
“So what are you guys up to today?” Kaydence inquired. She pushed herself back with her heeled shoes, and let the swing take her away.
“We’re gonna plan Cammie’s birthday party,” I said, catching the swing in my arms, and surprising Camille with a kiss.
“Uh huh!” Camille said proudly. She had been waiting to turn six all year. She considered six to be utterly mature whereas five was still a baby. Little did she know she had far surpassed her age years ago. But her choice of celebration for such an event was a Sponge Bob, roller skating party at a rink up town. She had invited the entire first grade, and she simply couldn’t wait. Any mention of the awaited date got a reaction from her.
“Well how exciting! Can I help?” Kaydence asked the aging girl. Camille waited for a second before responding, as if seriously considering the request.
“I guess so,” She finally answered. Kaydence laughed.
“Well thanks,” Kaydence said, sarcastically.
“We actually need to get started Cams, so we should head home,” I said, letting the swinger slow down. Camille protested for a moment, but was far too excited about her party, that even her beloved swings could not keep her from it. She jumped off and joined Kaydence and I as we began the short walk home. Camille hopped along beside us, while Kaydence filled me in on her new love interest at work. There was always a new love interest in Kaydence’ line of sight, and it was hard for me to keep track. I met only a quarter of the important ones, so there was really no purpose for me to give my opinion, but I did like to listen and live my life vicariously through her.
Our conversation was rudely interrupted as the chilling sound of a car’s screeching breaks severed the normal buzz of the city. I discovered the source of the screeching just as the car slammed into a bus, trapping an old woman who was crossing the street in between the now interlocked vehicles. The sound of her screaming was the only thing more chilling than the screeching tires. Without a second thought, I sprinted into the street, ignoring the honks of those who didn’t care. I dodged the cars and ran straight for the elderly lady, whose husband was now screaming along with his injured wife. My actions must have come from pure instinct, because upon arrival to the lady I realized I would be little to no help in such a situation. I had no training. I had no tools. But the mother in me was too strong to walk away. I grabbed the woman’s hand, and tried to comfort her as much as I could. I could see that the pain was far more intense than her aged body could endure. Her husband stood by, screaming for help and begging me to do something.
“I didn’t see her! I didn’t know she was crossing!” The driver of the car yelled at me, as if knowing his actions had already sealed his fate. I didn’t pay any attention to him, but instead focused on the old lady. A crowd was gathering, but no one approached to offer help. They all just watched in horror, as I did what I could to comfort the woman. I could see that many of the spectators had pulled out their phones and so I reassured her and myself that help was on the way.
“You’re gonna be alright ma’am,” I whispered to her, ignoring the gasps and cries of those who stood by. I didn’t look at her injuries. I knew they were far too much for me to take. But the part of her that I could see was in perfect condition. Not even a little bit of blood. She looked as if she were only lying on the hood of the car, just resting for a moment. Tears streamed down her face, but she wasn’t crying. I don’t think she could feel anything. I’m not even certain if she could see me standing right in front of her. She just blankly stared into my eyes, and held tightly onto my hand. It almost looked like she was smiling at me; thanking me for helping when no one else would. It wasn’t long before I heard the sirens coming from around the block. “You hear that? They’re coming to help you. They’re gonna fix you up,” I told her, trying to stay calm. She didn’t respond. She only kept that semi-smile on her face and a tight grip on my hand.
The police and ambulance came and took over. I stood by and watched as they pulled her from between the two vehicles and carefully placed her into the ambulance. Her husband gave me a look of gratitude before he jumped in the back with his wife, and the ambulance left us all behind. I didn’t think she would make it. I couldn’t see how it was possible. I sighed, taking in everything that had just happened. I looked around at the crowd, who looked right back at me. They all seemed to be ashamed of themselves. Some of them were even ashamed of me. They stared at me as if I were some sort of separate bread than them. I let my head bow in acknowledgment, and turned back to my family.
“You always have to be the hero, Jo. One day you’re gonna get yourself too involved and you’re going to get hurt. You have to learn to just walk away,” Kaydence reprimanded, as I jogged up to her. She had become one of the many by standers who lined the crime scene like caution tape.
“I can’t just walk away, Kay,” I responded. “Where’s Cam?” I asked, immediately noticing her absence. Kaydence turned around and searched the area.
“She was just here a second ago,” Kaydence responded calmly. My heart was in my feet with her words, and my stomach was creeping up my throat.
“Well, where is she now?” I asked, panicked. Holding the hand of that dying woman was nothing compared to the fear and the helplessness that I so suddenly felt.
“She’s right around here,” Kaydence said, overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and irresponsibility.
“God damn it, Kay!” I yelled, as I ran down the street, my eyes darting in every direction. I had never before been so abruptly consumed which such an overwhelming sensation of desperation and loss. I couldn’t breathe, and my eyes were becoming blurred with the panic. The only sounds in the entire world were that of my feet pounding into the cement in pace with my loudly beating heart, and my voice echoing down the street with the sound of her unanswered name. I didn’t even want to think about where she could be by now and what could be happening to her. My life was ending, and it felt as if my heart were actually giving up. I thought of every memory, every kiss, every word I had ever said to her, and every word that I had yet had the chance to say. What kind of a mother was I to let this happen? How could I let this happen? I would stop at nothing to find her. Nothing. My mind listed every possible way of going about getting her back. Call the police. Call the news stations. Posters. Milk cartons. Announcements. Prayers. Money. Whatever it took! I had to find her. I could not lose my only daughter. My only love.
“Mamma,” A voice called from within the still gathered crowd. I stopped and spun around towards the direction of the call. I could see nothing. Hundreds of by standers, but nothing would come into focus. There must have been hundreds of mothers, and hundreds of daughters calling for them, but there was something in my heart that made me keep searching the crowds. It must have been her. It had to have been her. “Mamma, I’m right here!” I heard the tiny voice again. I recognized the voice and a cry escaped my lips, but I did not have my angel in sight, and therefore the panic would not subside.
“Where baby?” I cried, as my eyes scavenged the faces. But before the tiny voice could answer, a tall, thin police officer came into view, with a small blonde, curly headed girl resting peacefully on his hip.
“Oh thank God!” I cried as I ran to the officer and snatched my baby out of his arms. He only smiled with the satisfaction of knowing that this was the reason he joined the force. “Are you alright? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I rambled. Camille shook her head and smiled, not even the least bit scared. “What happened? Where did you go? You scared Mamma to death. Don’t you ever do that!” I reprimanded, unsure of what to do in such a situation. Who was really to blame?
“Oh God, you’re here!” Kaydence said, relieved. She embraced Camille and tried to catch her breath as she searched Camille for any cuts or bruises.
“You told me that if I ever get lost to find a policeman,” Camille explained, proud to have remembered, but confused as to why we didn’t. I looked at her in amazement.
“She just walked up to me and told me she couldn’t find her Mom, and she needed help. She was perfectly fine and calm,” The police officer explained. He was more amused than anything else.
“Thank you so much officer,” I tried to express my gratitude, but there truly were no words.
“You’ve got a pretty smart little girl there. In most cases, there’s not such a happy ending. You might want to hold onto her hand a little tighter,” The officer suggested. It was reprimand enough. Camille would be lucky if I ever let go of her hand again. “Reminds me of my little girl. You’re lucky you get to see yours every day.” The officer’s face changed. He didn’t have to fill in the blanks. I could guess that he was divorced, or separated, or perhaps he just fell for the wrong girl. The kind of girl that wouldn’t hesitate to take is baby away from him.
“Yes, and thank you officer,” I tried, again knowing he would never know the extent of the words. He bowed his cap to the three of us, and went on his way. All I could see was Hayden. The officer seemed to be everything any daughter would love to have in a father, and yet for some reason, most likely unknown to him, he was not included in the raising of his baby girl. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I was someone who was with holding the same opportunity from an equally worthy father. How could I have gone so many years thinking my actions were fair and just? How could I keep such a joy that I had treasured every moment of my life for six years, from someone just as deserving as me? I would forever be indebted to Hayden for all that I had stolen from him, but I knew that I would never be given the opportunity to settle the score. I would never be able to repay him for all the memories that I had with our daughter that he did not. I would never be able to give him her first step, her first word, her first day at school. All the ‘I love you’s’ that have ever passed her lips belong to me. I can’t give it back. He gave me the most precious gift that I have ever known, and I can’t return the favor.
I turned to Kaydence and sighed. The guilt was already oozing from her every whim, so I decided not to blame her further. After all, I was the one who had ran out into the street, leaving them both behind without so much as a word.
Let’s go home!” I said. Kaydence paused for a moment, shocked that the outburst had come and gone completely within my mind. She smiled a little and shook her head in agreement. I put my arm around her, and we walked home.
September 9th
Sunday
I woke up before the sun and crept into Camille’s room without so much as an ache from the tired wood floors beneath my feet. I couldn’t sleep. What, with the idea of having lost her for good, and the even more haunting idea that I had taken her from someone. It was just too much for my brain.
I sat down in Camille’s small blue chair, and pulled my knees under my oversized sweatshirt as I watched her sleep. She lived her life in pure and utter peace; A kind of peace that only a child will ever know. As she lay there, engulfed in fairytales and magic, I tried to remember a time when I slept as deeply and as peacefully as she did now. She was so much smarter than me. She had it all figured out. If only we could all keep a little bit of a child within us as we go through life. If only we could somehow rediscover what it means to not have a care in the world. If only I could know the world that she knew, life would be so much more simple and grand.
“That will be thirty-eight seventy-five ma’am,” The store clerk asked for the second time, ripping me from my wondering thoughts. I apologized and handed the man my card. He smiled graciously, swiped the card and handed it right back, as I gathered my bags of groceries and headed for home. I took in a deep breath, and tried to put my thoughts in order before taking on the world outside the shelter of the store.
“You forgot your banana’s,” A man’s voice called from behind me. I looked down at the bags in my hand and found that my six bananas were in fact absent. I turned around to claim them, when the familiarity of the voice caught up to me. But my recognition couldn’t possibly be true. There was no way. My eyes slowly creped along the floor, scared to look up, until they fell upon two Converse shoes standing sturdy on the ground in front of me. The exact same shoes that had graced the feet of the love of my life since the first day I laid eyes on him. I smiled at the thought. The same exact shoes that would have never walked away somehow found their way to me.
“I don’t know much about raising a daughter,” Hayden started, as my eyes finally met his and the fear and excitement spurred by his familiar voice was validated. “But I can imagine that they need a lot of potassium,” Hayden finished his statement.
He smiled a little, almost as if he were the one who was here to apologize. He never ceased to amaze me. In all the years that I had known him, he had never once proved that he was anything but perfect. I remember thinking even back when we were dating, that he would make some woman so unbelievably happy one day. I never before realized that that woman was me. He had made my somewhat abnormal life something to be proud of. Something that people could envy. He once told me that he could never stop loving me, no matter what I did. I never imagined the lengths through which he would go to prove that to me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. It was apparent, based on his joke, that his intentions for such a visit were not that of hostility, but in turn, I had no idea as to what his motives could possibly be. Perhaps he was here to claim what was lawfully his, and legally, I didn’t know if I could stop him from taking Camille away from me. The thought sent chills down my spine. But the soft smile that he wore led my thoughts elsewhere.
“I’m looking for my family,” He answered, not allowing his beautiful eyes to leave mine. “We got separated, and I’ve been trying to find them for quite a while now.” Hayden placed the bananas in my bag and carried on as if he were just making small talk with a stranger.
“And you decided to look for your family in this little store?” I questioned, hoping he would allow me to play along with his little charade. I was so happy that he wasn’t angry, and even more ecstatic that he was here in search of a life and a family. A life that he claimed he had lost, instead of a life that I had stolen from him. A life that I was very willing to give back.
“Well…” He began to explain, as he leaned against the doorframe of the store. It was as if he were contemplating crossing this threshold with me or going home again. “My girlfriend is one of the smartest girls that I have ever met. And she used to tell me that my feet would always lead me where I needed to be. She told me that life presents signs, and that I must recognize these signs and follow them,” I nodded, thinking about how Madison’s baby’s birth weight was a sign that I had to tell Hayden the truth about our baby. “Well… she and I went to San Diego State together when we were in college. And our mascot there was Monty Montezuma, the Indian.” Hayden finished his sentence as if he had just explained everything. I continued to stare at him, still very much confused at his bizarre answer to my question. He said nothing more, but pointed up at the sign that graced the window of the small supermarket. It read: Monty’s market. I smiled at the irony.
“Yea, that is very literally a sign,” I said, amazed.
“I guess she knew what she was doing after all,” Hayden responded, clearly not referring to the signs. My eyes hit the floor. How could he be forgiving me? How could he just let me get away with this? His forgiveness only brought about more guilt.
“So you just happened to find me based on the sign?” I asked, still examining the floor.
“Well, that… and I called Kaydence,” He said, smiling. I smiled softly, and shook my head, still too ashamed to lift my eyes.
“Look, Ma, I just came to say one thing. And then I’ll leave, and you won’t ever have to see me again.” Hayden stood up straight and prepared to tell me something that was clearly of great importance. I was so confused. What could he possibly have to say to me? I looked up at him, and he so suddenly seemed very nervous and anxious. He gently took my hand and pulled me outside of the store and into a small alcove between Monty’s market and the salon next door. “I am so sorry for everything that I have done to you.” Hayden began his apology, which came as an absolute shock to me.
“What?” I said, refusing to hear anything further on the topic. “What could you possibly have to apologize to me for? What on earth could posses you to say you’re sorry to me?” Was he mocking me?
“I know how much you wanted to be an actress. And I know how talented you are and how amazing you would have been had you have been given the chance,” He started again, trying to get the words out before another protest from me. I didn’t understand.
“What are you talking about?” I stuttered.
“I’m so sorry for the way things turned out. If you would have never met me, you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. You wouldn’t have had to leave. You wouldn’t…” Hayden went on.
“Hayden-” I tried to stop him, as the tears neared my eyes. I couldn’t believe that he could find ANY way to take responsibility.
“No, I know. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to raise a child completely on your own. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I can’t believe you felt like you had to leave…” Hayden hurried through his speech.
“Hayden,” I stopped him. I couldn’t take anymore. I sighed and fought off the overwhelming desire to cry. “You are in no way responsible for what happened to me- nothing happened to me… Hayden I took from you something so precious…”
“I know why you left. I don’t blame you. I mean, I wish that things were different of course, but I can‘t change the past… right?” He said, still trying to win me over.
“Yes! Yes you can blame me. And you should!” I interrupted him, as a tear escaped my grasp. “Hayden… the only thing you are responsible for is giving me a gift. An amazing gift! I wouldn’t change having Camille for anything in this world. And and… She is the best- I am so lucky- and we- I mean she just loves… and I don’t- I mean I can’t…” I took in a deep breath. I must have practiced this very speech a million times in my head since returning home from California, but suddenly I couldn’t think of one word to say.
“She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I have you to thank for that. Not blame!” The tears were in control now. “We have a beautiful daughter, Hayden. And for six wonderful years, I have been enjoying a million memories with her. Memories that you don’t have, and until the other day, didn’t even know existed. And I know that it’s my fault, and I know that I took her away from you. And you will never truly understand just how sorry I am for that. But I was young, Hayden… I was so young… and I was scared,” the tears were back, but I could not stop talking until I had said it all. “I thought that the only thing to do was to just leave. And I see now that that was stupid of me, but I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t want to ruin your life with my mistake… and… and I didn’t know what else to do. And I‘m sorry… I‘m so sorry.” I cried. He took me in his arms and held me so tightly.
“Don’t feel guilty, Ma. I probably wouldn’t have been any kind of a father back then.” He joked.
“You would have been a great father,” I protested.
“I will be a great father,” he said. I stopped crying and looked up at him. He smiled, confirming my every dream come true.
“Yes, you will.”
September 10th
Monday
I took Camille to school and then went on to work just like I do every morning of my all too routine life. But there was nothing routine about today. Today, my life was different. Not just different in the way that I chose to look at life, but different in the way that it chose to look at me. Today, I was a part of a real family; a true family. I was loved and missed. Someone was waiting for me to get off work. Waiting for that first moment when they could welcome me home from my hard day with a much-anticipated kiss. Today, someone was counting down the seconds until a little girl was theirs for the first time. A reunion or introduction rather, was waiting to unfold. Today, was definitely not routine.
“Why are you all smiles today?” Juliet asked, as I bounded around the diner with all the enthusiasm of a child at Disneyland. I couldn’t disguise the feelings that were swirling around my head. I was excited, and nervous, and scared out of my mind. So many aspects of my life were finally being placed together on the same page. It was as if I had found the missing piece of a puzzle that I had been slaving over for years. Everything was finally coming together as it was always meant to be. But at the same time, I could only hope that things would go as smoothly as they had been going up until this point. There were so many factors and variables that could go in either direction. Everything could turn out perfectly, as it should, or everything could go horribly wrong.
My main concern was Camille. I couldn’t predict with any certainty how she would react to meeting her father. Perhaps she would welcome him as I prayed. But there was also just as good a chance that she would refuse him, as well as the idea of him. It was not but a day ago that the discussion of a father was tossed aside by her. There was of course the undeniable chance that this sudden introduction of a father would cause serious long-term damage. I had thought myself to be a great mother up until this point, but would this choice of mine be the best for my daughter? Was I choosing selfishly with the incorporation of a father? Of course Hayden was the best father I could have ever picked for her, but maybe that would not be enough. And at the same time, could I further deny Hayden the right of being a dad? I was so confused and the more I thought about the consequences, the more frightened I became.
“Camille’s meeting her father tonight for the first time,” I spurted out, hoping Juliet’s reaction would help sway my decision in some way. She smiled with a look of surprise, which did nothing for easing my nerves.
“Wow! And I just thought you got laid or something,” She teased. I so suddenly found an overwhelming need for a friend, and decided to take her up on her constant offering.
“Is this crazy?” I asked, confiding in her for the first time. She smiled, glad to finally be of assistance.
“Crazy? Of course not,” She answered, wiping down the counter top of the bar. I plopped down on a stool next to her.
“You don’t think this could be harmful to Camille or anything?” I questioned further. At this point a majority vote was definitely all that would help me.
“Well, is he a good father?” She asked.
“Better than I could have ever asked for,” I confirmed with utmost honesty.
“Will he love her?” She went on.
“Yes.”
“Will he love you?”
I hesitated for a second. Yesterday I would have said no without a second thought, but today I felt differently. “I think he will, yea,” I answered, with a satisfied smile. I didn’t deserve one second of this, but I wasn‘t about to give it up.
“Well then, it sounds perfect,” Juliet concluded. She stopped wiping the counter and gave me her full attention to insure that I was listening. “You’re the best mother I have ever seen. I know that in your heart you always know what’s best. Just trust your heart, sweetie.” She smiled and winked at me before going back to her work. She couldn’t have comforted me more. I did have a great feeling about all of this, and my heart had never led me wrong before. I nodded, thanking her for her kind words. Who knew she would have turned out to be such a good friend once given the opportunity?
I left work and headed home earlier than usual. I called Kaydence on the way and asked her to pick Camille up from school. I wanted to have a chance to prepare Hayden for the first encounter with his daughter. He met me at my front door exactly on time just like he had promised, with two roses in his hand. One for me, and one for the little girl he had been dreaming about. I took it graciously, still so undeserving and yet blissful at how things were turning out. I welcomed him into my apartment, and with the same gesture, into my life.
“This is nice,” Hayden said, after examining the entire place. It wasn’t until he spoke that I could see the nervousness that was radiating from him. He fidgeted with the rose in his hand, nearly breaking it at the stem, and he danced around scarcely leaving his feet in one place for longer than a second. His eyes never once met mine, and they flew from one corner of the room to the next.
“Are you alright?” I asked, concerned. He continued to dance and stare aimlessly around without notice of my question. “Hayden?” I asked again.
“What?” He shot, breathlessly. He looked at me, but his eyes weren’t seeing anything.
“Are you alright?” I inquired again. This time I grabbed his hand and softly kissed it in an attempt to comfort him in whatever way I could. “You don’t have to do this. If you’re not ready, we can do this some other time.”
“No, I’m fine…I’m just… What is she gonna think? She’s gonna wonder why I haven’t been around. Why wouldn’t she wonder? I would wonder,” He confessed. I couldn’t say that I wasn’t thinking the exact same thing, but I knew that Camille would be civil. She was a good kid. The best.
“Would you rather that I don’t introduce you as her father just yet? We can wait. You can just get to know her first if that’s better?” I proposed. It wasn’t until just then that I realized the advantages to such an idea. Hayden’s eyes lit up.
“Do you think… I mean… would that work? Could we do that?” He asked, still very nervous. I smiled and nodded.
“Of course.” He sat down on the couch and let out a deep breath. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what must have been going through his mind. I did what I could to ease the situation, but I knew there was no way of lowering the stakes.
“Mamma, look what happened to me!” Camille yelled, bursting through the door without so much as a warning sound coming up the stairs. She ran right past Hayden and straight to me with her arm stretched out in front of her, displaying a fairly good sized cut. I bent down to greet her, but couldn’t take my eyes off of Hayden. I had hoped to give him more of a warning, but he seemed to be handling the situation as well as anyone in such a position could handle it. He simply watched her run about the apartment as if he were actually witnessing a miracle. He smiled so gently, and his eyes immediately showed signs of sadness and hope.
“Wow Cams, does it hurt?” I attended to her wound as calmly as I could. Kaydence came jogging in the door shortly after Camille and stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of Hayden on the couch. She had obviously known he was in town, but she had no idea that today was the day of infamy. I sighed and scooped Camille up into my arms, as I brought her back to where Hayden was sitting, and Kaydence now stood staring. “Camille, I want you to meet a good friend of mine.” Camille looked at Hayden as if she knew exactly who he was. She didn’t seem to be swayed to either side of the emotional spectrum, she just stared at him and he stared right back at her. It was a moment that I knew I would never forget. Hayden finally stood up to greet her, and she smiled slightly as he did. “This is Hayden. He’s gonna be staying with us for a little while,” I composedly introduced the two. All my nerves were put to rest. My heart was singing and I trusted it.
“Hello,” Camille said, as she reached out to shake his hand. Never before had she ever reached out to welcome anyone. My eyes lit up. I watched as their two hands met for the first time. I looked over at Kaydence, who was still standing in the doorway. She was in awe.
“Hello Camille, it’s nice to meet you finally,” Hayden responded, as he cherished her small hand within his own. His eyes no longer appeared nervous at all, but instead he looked completely content in every sense of the word. He smiled as she slid her hand out of his grip and slyly took a firm grasp onto my shirt. They continued to stare at one another for the longest time. I didn’t speak for fear of ruining such a perfect moment between my baby and her father. Her eyes welcomed his stare and accepted him. I was glowing.
The four of us sat down to dinner and as awkward as I had expected the meal to be, Camille kept all of our feet on the ground. She entertained us with story after story of her trials and tribulations of the first grade. It was as if she could sense the tension of the environment and knew that only she could find the peace. She took on the role of host as the rest of us so amiably admired her. Hayden didn’t say very much, but merely watched her every move.
We finished dinner and Hayden and Kaydence cleaned up the kitchen, while I put Camille to bed. She went willingly, without so much as her usual request for water. I tucked her in tightly, and kissed her on her forehead.
“I love you in the morning. I love you in the night. I love you when you’re bad, I even love you when you’re right,” Camille sang, as I flipped off the lights and stood in the doorway of her room. I turned around and looked at her lying in her child-sized bed. She smiled at me, urging me to finish the song.
“I love you every single day, and if you ask me why. It’s because you make me smile, even when I want to cry.” I softly whispered the words from the door. “I love you, angel.” She looked so beautiful lying there. I could hardly bring myself to turn away.
“I love you more!” She softly yelled. I winked and blew her one final kiss as I pulled the door closed behind me.
“Goodnight,” I whispered, as it clicked shut all the way. I stood there outside her door for a second more, and leaned my head against the frame.
Something wasn’t right. I was unexpectedly overtaken by a strong sense of fear. Something pulled at me to open the door again and tell her just once more how much she meant to me. I took in a deep breath and stood up straight, trying to pull myself away, but something was terribly wrong. I just had a terrible feeling all of the sudden. My heart was aching. It was like I just knew that something was wrong with Camille. I opened the door again, convinced that something was out of place. “Peak a boo,” I whispered, trying to persuade myself that everything was fine and normal.
“I see you,” she answered back, still wrapped tightly in her sheets. I smiled, feeling somewhat relieved, and pulled the door towards me once again. “Mamma!” Camille yelled, as she jumped out of bed. I opened the door again, and kneeled down to meet her. She ran up to me and flung her arms desperately around my neck. I can’t remember a time when she held onto me tighter. I held her back without question. “I love you,” Camille said, easing my concern. She had a talent for sensing my moods. I sighed and kissed her cheek, feeling much better.
“I’m so glad I had you,” I whispered into her ear. And just as fast as she had come, she let go and flew back to her bed. I smiled to myself, and shut the door. It was nothing. There was nothing wrong in the world.
“I’m leaving Jo, come by my office tomorrow. Early. Don’t forget!” Kaydence called from the front door. I waved her off and smiled, thankful that she reminded me of our appointment. With all the nerves of today, I would have surely forgotten. She winked at Hayden and left us alone together.
“She’s something else,” Hayden said, wiping his hands on a dish towel.
“Who, Kaydence?” I asked, looking back towards the front door.
“No, our daughter,” He corrected. I looked back at him, still in disbelief. I had never before heard the words ‘our daughter’ when referring to Camille. It was so strange and yet it fit. “She’s beautiful. You’ve done a good job.”
He threw the towel towards the sink and grabbed my hand, pulling me into his chest.
“I can’t believe you’re here. I can‘t believe this is happening,” I confessed, with a deep exhalation. I felt his lips press against my head and I smiled. It had been ages since I had been held by a man. I exhaled again. It felt like I had forgotten to breathe all the years since he’d been gone.
“Do you think I can stay around for a little while? Maybe get to know Camille. Get to know you again?” He asked. I squeezed him a little tighter.
“You can stay forever.”
“Alright,” He teased. Hayden pulled away from me just enough so that he could see my eyes. He smiled confidently and kissed me. He kissed me so passionately and so lovingly, that I started crying. He stopped when he noticed the tears, but I wouldn’t let him wonder for long. I took his hand and led him into my bedroom. And for the first time since I moved into the apartment, I shut and locked the door.
September 11th
Tuesday
7:30 am
“Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” My alarm screamed, breaking the tranquility of the early morning. I rolled over and smiled. I had actually remembered to set the alarm clock! I sat up and silenced the annoying ring. I took in a deep breath and stretched, feeling completely rested for the first time in a very long time. With little effort, I hopped out of bed and sauntered over to the window. I was actually eager to begin my day. I could not remember the last time that I felt that way; eager. It was refreshing. I smiled to myself.
“Hey Mamma,” Hayden whispered, as he rolled around in the sheets, contorting his body and making all kinds of moaning, stretching sounds.
“Morning,” I answered back, still staring out my window at the beautiful city below. From way up here in my apartment building, I actually had a pretty nice view of lower Manhattan. I guess I had never really paid much attention to it, despite the fact that is was listed as a major selling point in my rental advertisement. But it really was quite remarkable.
“What are you looking at?” He asked.
“Just the morning.”
“Nice view you’ve got,” He commented, as he pulled himself out of the comforting sheets and stumbled up beside me, squinting at the morning light bleeding in from the blinds.
“I was just thinking the same thing,” I said, looking over towards him instead of out the window. He leaned over and kissed me. I had forgotten how wonderful it was to wake up next to someone. Not just someone, but him. He smiled and continued to observe the extensive scenery, unaware of my silent praise. It really was a spectacular view.
“So,” I started, heading towards my closet. I had become suddenly and embarrassingly aware of my nudity. “How do you feel about watching Camille for a while? I have to run down to Kay’s office and fill out some forms.”
Hayden didn’t answer right away, which made me hesitate.
“Too much, too soon?” I asked, pulling on my running pants and a t-shirt.
“No, no. That’s fine. Of course I’ll watch her,” he answered, sincerely.
“Are you sure? It’s not weird?”
“No, it’s fine,” He said. He headed back towards the bed and sat down, as if to let the gravity of our new reality set back in again. “It will be good.”
“Sure?” I checked once more, grabbing my shoes.
“Cross my heart.” He winked at me and the conversation was closed.
“I shouldn’t be very long,” I said, sitting down next to him to pull my tennis shoes on.
“Doesn’t Camille have school today?” He asked. I had completely forgotten about that. My life seemed so different now, that even the most routine elements were nearly overlooked. I guess it was a Tuesday. I just felt like I was on vacation or something.
“I think she should stay home today. Maybe we can all go get lunch or something. Just spend the day together,” I suggested. Hayden smiled and nodded. What’s one day of first grade?
“Whatever you say Mamma,” He said. I tied my shoes and leaned over to kiss him once more. Even though our first kiss in six years had only been last night, it felt as if our lips had never been apart. I was immediately so comfortable with him, like I was where I belonged.
“Are you gonna walk all the way down there?” He questioned, peering out at the distant towers. “That’s a pretty long walk.”
“No, I’m not going to walk,” I said. Hayden nodded, still focused on something far beyond the window. “I’m going to run!” I answered, pulling my curls up into a ponytail. I grabbed my cell phone and stuffed it into my back pocket. I had made it a habit to never leave home without it. It had only taken me one time where Camille’s school could not reach me to learn that lesson. “I’ll be back in a couple hours.” And with that said I was out the door and enjoying the beautiful New York morning.
It’s hard to truly appreciate all that New York is until you’ve jogged through the city in the morning. And there couldn’t have been a better morning for such a journey. Pigeons, the only birds daring enough to enter the vast city, were alive and singing this morning. Pigeons of all things! I really must be in love, I thought as I jogged. I smiled softly as I marveled at the little aspects of everyday life that we all too often take for granted. The breeze was chilly but welcoming, and the smell of the morning was so inviting. The sky was absolutely clear, and the sun had finally ascended above the towering city. I never slowed my pace, but instead wished that the hour long path in front of me was longer. I just felt so alive.
I jogged up to the entrance of the World Trade Center and came to a stop so as to catch my breath before going inside. Dozen’s of people were filing in and out of the open Trade Center doors. It was business as usual on this average Tuesday morning. I watched as all types went in and out of the building’s hospitable doors. Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Chinese, Muslims, Mothers, Fathers, Teachers, Lawyers, and on and on. Countless different types of people, countless back grounds all gathering in one place for the same reason. I smiled to myself as I walked through the doors. What a day.
8:31 am
“97th floor, please,” I requested as I squeezed my way into the crowded elevator of the second tower of the Trade Center. A young man, about the age of 25, dressed in a suit pushed the button for me, and very nervously regained his tight grip on his briefcase. I watched as he closed his eyes and tried to breath as regularly as he could as the packed elevator shot up to the upper stories of the large building. I could see the thoughts whizzing through his head. “Are you alright, sir?” I whispered to him, unable to just walk away as Kaydence would suggest. He looked over at me quite startled. The man seemed shocked that I had noticed anything at all.
“Oh… Yes, thank you, I’m fine. I just don’t do well with heights,” He answered with a courteous smile. I smiled back and nodded. Perhaps he was here for an interview or something. I had been up this elevator dozens of times before. It was strange to think that other New Yorkers might not have been inside these buildings. But then again, perhaps he wasn’t even a New Yorker. It was hard to tell.
“It’s not that bad,” I assured him. But I could plainly see by the look on his face that he didn’t believe me. The elevator doors opened on the 81st floor and the young, nervous gentleman got off, along with a few other business types. He cautiously ambled to the center of the room, away from the many windows that lined the building’s perimeter. He was terrified. And just before the elevator doors closed again, I caught his eyes as he glanced back at me in fear. I looked up at the number of the floor. 81. But before I could contemplate it any further, the doors were opening again on my floor. I stepped off the elevator and headed through the crowds straight for Kaydence’ cubical. I couldn’t help but notice that this wasn’t a floor where many people were dressed in jogging attire. The few glances I caught made me wish very much that I had considered taking the subway.
“8:45! I’m impressed,” Kaydence commended as I sauntered up to her unorganized desk.
“You and me both! I actually remembered to set my alarm!” I smiled.
“I thought maybe you’d sleep in after your big night,” Kaydence teased. Giggling started in from all sides, and I could actually feel my cheeks changing colors. The other girls sitting in the neighboring cubicles winked and smiled at me, letting me know that they had already been updated on the most recent events of my life’s soap opera. I sighed. First the outfit, now the gossip train. Amazing.
“Alright, where are the damn papers?” I said, desperately trying to save face. There was really no use.
“What is that?” A woman’s voice echoed through the office, interrupting our conversation. Even over the buzz of the crowded office, this voice was much louder than anything else. Silence fell all around me and we all looked towards the source of the call. The eeriness of her voice had caught everyone’s attention.
“Oh my God… Oh God, they’re going to hit us!” She yelled again, this time more panicked. Kaydence and I looked around the office but could not see what the woman was yelling about. I had finally located her, but I could not for the life of me see what she was looking at. What on earth was about to hit us up here? Everything seemed normal. Nothing seemed out of place. And with an almost 180 degree panoramic view of the city, I couldn’t imagine what she could see that I could not.
And then suddenly, as if the panic had gone airborne, the room was filled with crying and screaming. I looked around more concerned this time, but still could see nothing amiss. But clearly something was happening and everyone seemed to be clued in, except for me. The commotion was growing by the second; I could feel the goose bumps creeping up out of my skin. I tried to see over the many scattering heads, but could no longer get a clear view of the window, which I had concluded was the main source of all the panic. It was simply unexplained mass hysteria seeming to spur from nothing, and originating from nowhere. Kaydence and I, along with many of the other employees working that morning ran towards the window in hopes of some sort of explanation. Panic was everywhere, and although I did not understand, I needed to see what it was. I just had to. But it was a challenge. People were running all over the place, in every direction. I forcefully pushed through the many employees fleeing about; some towards the window in curiosity, some away in fear. And over all the terror and panic, I could hear a sort of rumbling that was growing louder and louder the closer I got to the window. It was like nothing I had ever heard before, like a whistle, but much louder than any whistle I could imagine. I could feel the floor starting to shake beneath me and immediately I imagined all the damage that an earthquake would bring to this city. Was it even possible here? Were there fault lines? My heart nearly stopped as I thought about Camille going through all this without me. I hoped that Hayden would keep her safe.
But even an earthquake did not add up to what was happening here. Not even my imagination could come to any conclusions as to what the hell was at the window. I finally pushed through all the fright and at long last reached the window where I could see out over the entire city. Suddenly I understood what all the fuss was about. My hands pressed against the glass-pained window, and my expression changed from confusion to pure and utter terror. Never did I expect that the cause of the panic was from what was now just within my view.
“Jo, what is it? What is that noise?” Kaydence yelled from behind me. She was still stuck in the swirling crowds and could not break free. She fought against the flow of people, but there were too many. Hundreds even.
“Get away from the window,” I said, far too quiet for anyone to ever hear over the screaming. I was in absolute awe. I could barely get myself to follow my own advice. I was frozen, stuck to the window, refusing to believe my own eyes. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. A bowing 767 was headed directly for the two towers, and there was no sign that their target was anything but us. I could barely hear the screaming now, for the sound of the approaching plane was overtaking all other noise. This was really happening. “Get away from the window!” I screamed at the top of my lungs with all the sound and fury of the oncoming flight. I turned to Kaydence, grabbed her arm, and ripped her from the crowds of panicked civilians. We had but seconds until impact, and the only thing I could think of was to get as far away from the windows as we possibly could. With Kaydence in tow, I ran as fast as humanly possible through the mobs of people towards the opposite side of the building. Most everyone was doing the same. Kaydence was screaming with confusion along with everyone else now, but I could only hear the sound of the airliner hurling towards us. It was louder than I could bear. “Get under the desk!” I screamed at Kaydence, once we had gone as far as we could go. My words were lost in the noise, but I pushed her underneath anyway. Her expression was that of someone who was already dead. She was horrified. I hurriedly crawled under after her, and tried to form a shield with the surrounding chairs. But before I could do so, the sound of the incoming jet turned from a deafening rumble, to a colossal explosion, drowning out all other noise completely. Everything became so confusing so quickly. I didn’t know which way I was facing, or if I was still breathing, or if it was Kaydence whom I still clung to. I couldn’t even say for sure if I was still alive at all. The sound was so overwhelming and so fierce. I was utterly disoriented. And the fear that came over me was almost as deadly as the crash.
Our barrier chairs had been blow aside and I could see that the jet had missed our tower and crashed into the first tower only a few dozen feet outside the window. But the explosion blew out all the windows on that side of our building. Glass was spraying everywhere, and the sound of it would not relent. There was no escaping it. I could feel the heat from the fireball that was now flooding from the damaged tower. I tried to regain my thoughts, but the falling glass and cement kept me under the desk, until finally it slowed and the sound lessened. Kaydence cried uncontrollably and could not keep herself from shaking. I tried to comfort her, but I knew the terror was not over yet. We had to get out of this building, and with the hundreds of panicked people running about, I knew our escape would be just as dangerous. I quickly examined her convulsing body for cuts or serious injuries, and when I found none I began pulling her out from underneath the desk. She protested well and fought against me so as to stay under the shelter of the table. But I knew it would not prove as shelter enough for what was on the way. “Kaydence, get up! We have to get out of here!” I screamed, trying to persuade her. She did not listen. Instead she cowered under the desk, still dressed in her skirt and matching jacket that had been perfect attire only minutes before. “Get up!” I demanded. She could see the seriousness in my eyes. I extended my hand forcefully, and she took it. There was no other choice. She slowly stood up, suppressing the tears as best she could and looked around the demolished office. There were small fires starting up, and dust, paper and smoke littered the air. There were a few people lying on the ground covered in blood and debris. I swallowed hard, and had to look away. “Come on,” I instructed, blocking her view of the injured before they added to her frenzy.
I quickly led her past the elevators swarmed with people, and down a few flights of stairs. I couldn’t imagine that the elevator situation would be that much better a few floors lower, but I figured that once we cleared the damaged area of our tower, there would be a little less panic. I was right. But even with the elevator, it was a long decent to freedom. Every step took effort, and I had to drag Kaydence, still sobbing, the entire way. Everyone pushed and spoke loudly, but to my surprise, not everyone was headed down. Some of the employees were still headed up to work. I didn’t know if they were unaware of what had happened, or if they just didn’t care, but it didn’t sway my decision at all. I knew that this wasn’t just an accident. It wasn’t a fluke thing. I just knew it. I had seen the plane. It was too big. We were too big. It should have missed us.
The rumbling of the shaken building was still ringing in my ears. Even though hundreds of people were moving up and down the tower, no one seemed to know exactly what was going on or what had happened. Gossip and rumors were everywhere. On the elevator, in the stairs, in the lobbies. Some people were calm, others were not so much. I was just determined to get out. When we finally reached the 30th floor lobby, about ten minutes later, we started to see the stream of firefighters heading up to help facilitate the now mandatory evacuation. They were all so calm and fearless. They headed right for the stairs, unwilling to clog up the elevators any more than they already were. But they were just draped in equipment. I couldn’t imagine climbing all that way, let alone with all that extra weight, but they certainly weren’t complaining.
I heard someone ask one of the firefighters why he was going up when everyone was evacuating.
He answered, “It’s my job,” and calmly moved right past.
Kaydence and I finally made it out into the sunlight after what felt like years. Kaydence had stopped sobbing but was nowhere near calm just yet. I pulled her out the front doors of our building and kept walking, straining to see down the street in either direction.
There were already dozens of emergency vehicles stretching as far as I could see, and even more news vans and press reporters trying to get to the bottom of this tragic accident. The sound of the sirens was haunting. They were in surround sound, coming from every direction. Thousands of people had gathered along the streets to witness this monstrosity, and there were already countless injured people wandering aimlessly about. No one knew exactly what to do because no one could figure out what had happened. The same look of bewilderment was consistent in every onlooker’s eyes; fireman, employees, victims and simple bystanders alike. But everyone unanimously seemed to think that this was just some freak accident. I just did not see it that way. I joined the eyes that peered up towards the smoky sky. The targeted building was smoldering and debris was still falling. I could hear the distant cries of those who were still trapped inside the fateful structure.
8:55 am
“Kaydence, listen to me!” I said, grabbing her face and bringing her eyes to mine. She was still very shaken up but now more in control, knowing that we were out of harm’s way. But in my eyes, we were still very much in danger. Something wasn’t right. I cleared the tears from her eyes and wiped the speckles of dirt off her face.
“What the hell happened?” She stuttered. I wished I had an answer for her. What the hell had happened? We could suspect, we could wonder, we could hypostasize, but no one knew. I had seen the plane, but still could not say with any certainty what had taken place, or more importantly, why! It had all happened so fast. And yet the entire world already knew all the details about the events of September 11th. But we, the victims, knew nothing.
“I’m gonna go ask okay? Do not move from this spot!” I instructed. She nodded her head in agreement, and let her eyes roll back up to the fire. “Kaydence, this spot. Do not leave!“
“I won’t!” She exclaimed. I examined her face to make sure she was alright, and as far as I could tell she was doing as well as anyone else standing around watching this history unfold. There was little comfort I could offer her anyway.
I turned away, and scavenged the crowd for someone who might be able to offer me the information I needed. My eyes rested upon a short man in uniform, talking into a radio. I quickly ran up to him hoping that I would not be turned away unsatisfied. “Excuse me sir,” I politely asked. He listened into his radio for a second, and motioned for me to hold on. I did.
“Yes ma’am,” He answered, only half attentive. His eyes shot everywhere except for into mine, and he began to walk away before I had even said a word. I followed him closely, desperate for any kind of information he might have.
“Can you tell me what’s happened?” I inquired as I bobbed along beside him. He motioned for two other uniformed officers to join him in his pursuit, for what, I wasn’t sure nor did I care.
“A plane hit the tower,” He responded, still not giving me any kind of attention.
“What kind of a plane? Was it an accident?” I asked, still unsatisfied. The man still refused to look at me. He was too busy trying to find a way to do his job.
“Of course it was an accident,” The man answered. I stopped following him, and let him go on with his business. But his words stuck with me. Why was I the only one who didn’t think this could possibly be a mistake? I looked up at the place of impact. Smoke was pouring from the horrendous wound. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. What could the pilot have possibly been thinking? All those passengers. All those lives lost. I fought against the lump in my throat and quickly jogged back over to where I had left Kaydence.
“Kay!” I called, looking around for my sister. “Kaydence!” I called again. She was not where I had told her to wait, which was not at all surprising, but I could not see her anywhere around the area. “Kaydence?” I yelled, concerned. Maybe she had been escorted away for some reason. But knowing Kaydence, she would not have gone anywhere without first finding me. She hated to be alone, especially under the circumstances. But she was nowhere to be found.
I ran over to where the medics were looking after some of the injured people who had made it out alive. I examined each one of the faces, and Kaydence was not among them. There was a car parked along the curb that had been demolished by falling cement, and I crawled on top of it to get a better view of the surrounding crowd. I covered my eyes so as to block the sun and scanned the crowds for any familiarity.
“Vicki!” I yelled, recognizing a bystander as one of the woman who had been giggling upstairs with us, no more than 15 minutes before. “Vicki!” I leaped off the car, and ran up to the stunned woman. “Where’s Kaydence? Have you seen her?” I rambled off. The woman‘s face was covered with tears, but she was so happy to see someone she knew. She immediately embraced me and started crying.
“What’s going on?” She cried. I had no time to explain.
“Where’s Kay?”
“Kaydence?” She answered.
“Yes, my sister!” I confirmed. Vicki slowly lifted her arm and pointed towards the tower. “No, she got out. She and I got out!” I corrected her. “Have you seen her since then?” I urged her. “She went back in to get her things,” Vicki said, still pointing.
“She what?” I questioned, leaning closer to make sure I had heard correctly.
“Someone came through and announced that we were allowed to go back in. Kaydence went back up.”
“God damn it,” I mumbled under my breath as I flew towards the open doors. I was hoping to catch her but there was already a line of people that were waiting to get back in. And even more people still under the impression this was an evacuation. As I tried to push through the lines of confusion, I could hear some of the higher ups requiring their employees to return to work. I even heard someone say that the employees working on the lower levels of the victimized building were returning to work. What the hell was going on? Was this a crisis or wasn’t it?
9:00 am
I pushed through the line of workers, who were waiting patiently to enter the building as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. Sure they were concerned, but they didn’t seem to mind re-entering. Some protested my pushing past them, but most were too busy staring up at the contorted building only feet away from the building they were waiting to get into. I felt like the only one who was alarmed at the allowance of people to go back in. I couldn’t believe it. I rushed up the stairs of the tower, three steps at a time, praying that I would reach my sister before something further horrific took place. All the while calling her name, and pushing masses of people out of my way. The stairway in front of me seemed never-ending, and all too repetitive, but I kept pushing forward and climbing upwards towards what, only time would tell.
But all of the sudden, faintly from below me, I could hear the sounds of the crowds outside roaring with screams and cries, quickly growing louder and stronger. It was just like before and it scared the hell out of me. I stopped running upwards and peered down the stairwell. Many others heard the cries as well, and stopped to listen along with me. Nearly everyone had stopped running and we all stood silently, trying to find out what the yelling was about. I waited for a clue or some way of knowing what was causing the screams. But before I could even imagine the reasons for such noise, the ground dropped out from underneath me, and sent me forcefully cascading down the stairs. Other people tumbled on top of me and all around me, sending elbows and legs flying in every direction. I couldn’t stop myself from continuing down the metal stairs. Not one of us in the stairwell was able to stay on our feet. People became victim to falling metal and head collisions with the cement floor.
I finally came to rest at the bottom of the stairs, but the building did not. It swayed back and forth violently, as if it were not at all anchored to its foundation. The small stairwell acted as a loudspeaker, sending the horribly loud sounds of a building in motion directly into my head. It sounded as if the entire world had moved all at once. I held on to what I could and tried to avoid the cement and steel that came falling down from the floors above. Again, the screams became overwhelming and the sound of yet another explosion lingered in the air. And again, panic set in and people tried with all their might to flee. It was sudden chaos once again and it was every man for themselves as everyone trampled one another in panic.
Once the building came to rest, I pulled myself off the ground and tried to put myself back in order. I refused to let the fear get the best of me, although it tried. I could not allow the panic to take over, as it had all around me. I tried not to think about where Kaydence was, or what was happening to her. I had to get to her, and fast. I was sure she was in a completely uproar all over again.
I looked myself over. My arm felt a little strange and it was hard for me to move it, and there was a lot of blood coming from a new open wound on my leg. But I couldn’t feel any pain from either injury. My body was quaking, but I wasn‘t crying. It didn’t seem real. I passed my own medical examination, knowing that I would have to focus on things other than pain. I dusted myself off and tried to walk. Once the weight of my body was on my freshly wounded leg, it buckled under me and I toppled to the ground once again.
“Damn it!“ I cried, unsure of whether it was sweat or tears running down my face. No one was helping me. The screaming of the evacuating victims was so overpowering that it made me want to give in. I wanted to surrender. It was a test against sanity, and I was failing. I was barely holding on to what was real. I didn’t know if I would be able to save my sister. I didn’t even know if I would be able to save myself. I looked up at the people that were running down the stairs. It was so strange to see this happening all over again. I had known that the threat had not fully past, but I had no idea that the worst was still to come. But there was still no explanation. What was happening? And why?
“Kaydence!” I weakly called, remembering my original pursuit and gaining somewhat of a second wind from it. I would not fail. I couldn’t. Pain or no pain, I had to find my family. Kaydence and Camille were all I knew. “Kaydence!” I yelled. I watched face after face run by in chaos, but not one of them answered to the name of Kaydence. I had to get to her. I had to find her. I didn’t know if she was alive or dead, but I wouldn‘t stop until I knew for sure. I wasn’t even completely positive that she was still in the building, but I wouldn‘t slow down. I could not rid the image of her lying somewhere completely alone and helpless. I started running up the stairs again, ignoring the excruciating pain coming from my leg and arm. But the crowds would not allow me to pass. They were too dense. There were too many people. Too much panic. I could not get through them. It was like trying to swim against the current; A very strong current that would leave no survivors. They forced me to turn around and run out with them. I did, in hopes that somehow when I reached the bottom floor and came out into the light, Kaydence would be standing there. But in my heart I knew that that would not be the case this time. Somehow I knew that she was still in trouble.
9:25 am
I stumbled out of the building along with all the others just like before, but this time everything was different. There was no sun light as there had been because the smoke, now coming from two buildings, filled the air with a gloomy darkness. There was so much smoke. And there were now thousands of injured people begging and pleading for help from anyone who would give it, but the emergency personal were completely outnumbered. The amount of by standers had doubled and they still stood in awe, but this time their expressions were that of hate and disbelief. No one could believe that this was happening. It was far too surreal. They had all come to realize that nothing about today had been accidental.
But the firefighters still ran into the two injured buildings with the same look of determination and pride as they had worn before. It didn’t matter how many planes or victims there were, they knew what they had to do. There was no trace of fear in their eyes as they ran in and out of the doors, carrying men, women and children out in the dozens. Their bright black and yellow uniforms stood out as a symbol of hope and safety. They would be the true heros.
“The plane hit the first one between the 90th and 100th floor,” A firefighter reported to his commanding officer, as they quickly passed me in route to yet another rescue mission. So many victims were still trapped.
“Where’d the second one hit?” The commanding officer asked just before their voices faded into the distance.
“It looks like between the 78th and 87th floor,” the firefighter answered. I glanced up at the buildings, which still maintained their radiance even under the circumstances, and remembered the young, nervous gentleman from the 81st floor. He had been so scared to leave the elevator. If only I had known somehow, I wouldn’t have let him get off that elevator. I could have saved him. If only he hadn‘t have been so brave, his fear would have saved him. I prayed for him. I prayed that he got out alive.
I knew that far too many lives had been lost, and without cause. Far too many daughters were now without mothers, and far too many mothers were now without sons. What was this about? Why was this happening? That young man, not more than 25 years into his life, not one year further along than myself, might never be able to kiss his mother goodbye again. He might not be going home to his wife or kids to tell them about his day. It was infuriating. I was so overwhelmed with hatred towards whoever was responsible. I could hardly stand it.
Thirty minutes after the second plane hit, the stream of dead bodies began to flow from the two towers. Firefighter after firefighter emerged from the smoke and darkness, each carrying a victim. It was a horrific sight to watch unfold, and a painful realization of the magnitude of this day. No matter how many bodies they carried out, there were still more behind. And no matter how tired or worn down the men became, they still headed in to save as many lives as they could. Even bystanders began to aid in the rescues, racing into the buildings without consideration of their own safety. But as the bodies mounted, the spirits of all who watched were forever altered. There seemed to be more dead than alive, and our hopes were being laid to rest with the victims. And as each firefighter came running out of the Trade Center doors, my heart cried with each face that was not my sisters. I felt so guilty for being so happy that these people were dead and my sister was not.
Tears were now predominating over the sweat, and I tried to keep my cheeks clear of both. But it was hard. It was so hard to even breathe. The smoke from the impact was rapidly filling the sky, and the fear around me was suffocating. I limped along with all the others towards the medic station, which was already too crowded for anyone else. But I had to burden them further, if not just to see whether Kaydence was a part of those being treated or not. She wasn’t. I took in a few deep breaths, desperately fighting against the pain and sadness that was burning in my heart. I had to keep looking. I had to keep checking. I quickly cleared the many tears from under my eyes, and ignored them as they continued to fall. Hobble as I might, I slowly ventured towards the crowds of people, hoping a new familiar face would send me searching again. That was all I could think of to do. But no such luck came to me or Kaydence, for we were too long separated. I was beginning to lose my unyielding faith that I would ever see her again.
9:30am
The smoke was growing thicker and thicker the more the fires spread. It was slowly creeping down the building and into the nearby crowds. It served as an eerie reminder that death had not let go of the reigns.
Suddenly, just like in Kaydence’ office, a woman’s screaming broke my line of thought and stole my attention. I shot around, unsure of what I might witness next. The crowds were all staring upwards in disbelief. Some witnesses pointed towards the sky with haunted tears falling down their face. Although I wanted to, I could not prevent my eyes from lifting towards the attention seeking sight above me. And just as my eyes adjusted to the depth, I could see a small figure falling from the top of the destroyed tower. I couldn’t make out what it was at first, but as it neared the earth with an ever accelerating pace, I could see that it was a human being. A man. He twisted and contorted as he plunged to a death less tormenting than that which he had escaped. I gasped with the realization of this dreadful suicide, and yet could not rip my eyes from this brave soul. Try as I might, I could not look away. Tears streamed down my face as quickly as he fell, and as the ground neared I connected with him. I could feel what he felt. All the pain and suffering; all the fear and sadness poured from his falling spirit, right into my heart. I watched him until the very end. It broke my heart that he was so brave. That he had had no other choice. And yet a part of me admired him. A part of me wanted to be him, knowing that it was all over. Knowing that there was no more pain or sadness promised in my future. Knowing peace would soon be met. He had found that peace.
The buildings sudden hissing and stretching interrupted my silent tribute to the fallen solider. I could hear the unforgettable sounds of buckling metal and bending steal. The firefighters quickened their pace covertly in hopes that no one would notice. They didn’t want anyone thinking that there was any further cause for alarm. But I noticed. I could hear the towers crying and I knew that the history of today was not finished being made.
9:35 am
I headed back towards the buildings as frightening as it was for me to do so, and reentered the now bended doors of the 2nd tower. The doors that had been so welcoming before, now warned me. I had to find Kaydence, even if that meant going back into the hell that I had known. I didn’t know where else to look for her, and she was too important to me to just walk away. I began the long accent up the stairs for the second time, despite the many warnings and reprimands that came consistently from every firefighter that I passed. I did not listen. I knew the danger, but I knew that what I had come for far surpassed my fear. And my fear was ever growing. It was as if some being had taken over my body. Some angel had possessed me in order that I might somehow find the strength to make it through this alive; That I might somehow overcome all the obstacles that were so forcefully thrown in my way.
I made it up to the fifth floor before I even realized I was climbing. The stairs were so much less of a challenge now in comparison to all that had occurred today. My wounds served as a reminder that I had to hurry. The building was still very much unsettled and it still moved underneath me, and cried all around me. The further up I climbed, the more debris and smoke I encountered, and the less people and voices I heard. The halls that had once been in such an uproar were now nearly silent, hauntingly silent. But I kept climbing and continued to ignore the passing firefighters’ pleas.
“Ma’am,” A voice weekly called from beside me. I jumped slightly, for I had thought that I was alone in the stairwell. I turned around but there was no one. I searched all around me, but there was no sign of anyone other than the passing firefighters and an occasional employee; none of whom stopped to help the calling voice. I began climbing again, but this voice would not allow me to leave. “Ma’am,” it called again, this time defining itself as a woman. I looked around once more, now positive that I had in fact actually heard something. It was not just my imagination.
“Yes,” I answered, unsure of which way to direct my attention. But again, there was no answer. Was I going crazy? The fear was back, and I again began to climb. But the voice again would not allow me to go.
“Can you help me?” The woman called louder now, drawing my attention to a pile of rubble in the corner of the stairwell. I limped over to where I heard the voice and saw a woman’s face nearly covered by the fallen cement. The only thing that assured me she was still alive was her attempted blinking.
“Oh God,” I whispered, quickly uncovering the trapped woman. She was very badly hurt, and could barely open her eyes. She was covered in dust and dried blood. I knew her care was out of my hands, but there was no one else around. No one would help. The firefighters had disappeared for the moment, and not one evacuating person would stop, or even take notice of the situation. I was her only hope. “Are you alright Miss?” I asked, as I tried with all my strength to move the heavy rocks off of her battered body. With my throbbing arm, it was more than a challenge. She began to cry in place of an answer. I tried to move quicker, but my injuries were hindering, and the rocks were heavy. “Don’t cry, it’s gonna be fine. Where gonna get you outa here,” I comforted her. I looked around and called for some help, but there was no response. “Tell me your name,” I requested, still busily moving debris. I tried not to cry.
“Madison,” She answered through her tears.
“My best friend’s name is Madison,” I said. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever see my best friend again. I took in a deep breath.
“Ahhhh!!” The woman yelled, as I pulled the cement blocks off of her legs. “I think my leg might be broken,” She confessed, squinting in pain. I slowly removed the last piece of cement revealing a heinous wound. Her leg was far worse than broken. The bone was not only visually protruding from the skin, but there was a huge area of her leg that was completely missing. I swallowed hard, and did everything I could to keep from gagging. Even the smell of rotting flesh had set in. I looked at her face. She was clearly in shock. She had no idea that her injuries were so serious. She couldn’t feel the pain.
“You’re gonna be… just fine,” I confirmed, struggling to stay calm. I again searched the stairwell for some help, but none was offered. Where had everyone gone?
“Ma’am?” She weakly said.
“Yes.”
“Am I going to see my daughter again?” The woman looked me square in the face. I saw the fear in her eyes. She had already said her goodbyes. I paused for a second, trying to find some way of comforting this dying woman. I didn’t know what to say.
“What’s your daughter’s name?” I asked, suddenly very connected to the stranger in front of me.
“Jackie. She‘s six,” She answered. And just like that, Jackie became my inspiration. This woman was going to survive. I vowed to not leave her side until she was out of harm’s way. Jackie was not going to lose her mother. Not today.
“I have a daughter, Camille, whose sixth birthday is on Friday… Would you and Jackie like to come to her party?” I asked, as a tear rolled down my cheek. Madison smiled and nodded. She was so moved by my offering, and I could see that my words had convinced her to renew hope. I shook my head and smiled. And without another word, I stood up and pulled the woman off the ground. She was heavier than I had anticipated, but I had to try. I couldn’t leave her. She cried and struggled with the pain that was now very present. But before I had the chance to continue the rescue, a firefighter came down the stairs behind me and offered his assistance. I happily handed her over to him, and followed as he took her out with such ease. She was so light in his arms.
As soon as we were outside once again, the firefighter ran Madison over to the crowded medic station. He was far too fast for my injured pace to keep up with, so I simply watched her until she was safe. She stared at me over his shoulder for as long as I could see her. I waved and smiled. It made me proud to know that I could give Jackie such a gift.
“They hit the pentagon too. I guess they’re hijacking the planes,” A firefighter told another firefighter as they passed. The conversation caught my attention, and I tried to hobble after the two men to find out more.
“The pentagon! Another plane?” The other man asked.
“Well, it was a huge explosion, what do you think?” The first man answered. I couldn‘t keep up with the men, but I had heard what I needed to hear. I was sick to my stomach. Who was doing this? Who could do such a thing? Hijacking? Who could take so many lives without a second thought?
I slowly hobbled away from the buildings hoping that a more successful search for Kaydence would take place in the crowds of people that were still accumulating around the buildings. It was rather odd. Every person who had been inside the towers wanted nothing more than to be as far away from them as possible, and yet the hundreds of people who had not been inside, flocked from all sides of the city to get as close as they could. It was such a morbid sight that I knew I would never rid from my memory, and yet it served as an addiction to all others. They couldn’t get enough. They needed to be closer. They needed to see the victims and feel the pain. They had to validate their worst fears. Even the reporters had no shame filming the bleeding victims as they wandered about.
And so suddenly, I understood why this had happened. We live in a world so consumed with crime and fighting and hate. We’re so entertained by events such as this; an event that so closely resembled a movie, and because of that, so successfully separated us from the reality of it all. We couldn’t help be feel a little detached because we had been almost numbed to it already. Those responsible for the day’s events were now celebrities, just like in the movies. They were heroes to someone.
But I couldn’t condemn the human race any further, for a young man with a camera in hand proved that there was something to hope for in this world, even after a day like this one. He carefully wandered through the crowds of people, cautiously snapping pictures and forever capturing the feelings and expressions of today. He knelt down beside a crying woman, and shared in her pain. His camera lenses were filled with the images that would forever warm our hearts and remind us of the sadness and the bravery of the day. Thanks to men like him, who looked past the horror and pain, and captured the heroic nature of the human spirit, we would never forget. He would help us to remember the victims and remember the unity. He stood up and focused his camera on a man, who stood helplessly at the bottom of the towering inferno with a single fire extinguisher. In the background waved and American flag. This photographer understood.
9:50am
My eyes fell upon hundreds of faces in the crowd, but not one of them was Kaydence. Not one. I was so tired. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt so helpless. And no one could offer any condolence. I was beginning to notice the other’s in the crowd who were also searching for their loved ones, hoping as I was, that the end had not come just yet. But there was no guarantee. There was no promise of tomorrow. There was no way of knowing what the outcome would be. But still, we all searched on, refusing to give up hope. Some carried photos and asked every person who would listen about the whereabouts of their missing family. Some of us, myself included, just wandered, hoping to stumble upon the answers. But nothing was found in either case, nothing but further despair.
Suddenly, the crowds began the all too familiar screaming fits that I had so quickly grown to dread. What now? I searched for the source, but was becoming rather accustomed to such outcries. I was so tired of being afraid. I didn’t want to run anymore. But once again, I ran with the now stampeding crowds, but again without knowing from what. I tried to look behind me, but I was almost carried away by the thousands of civilians that scurried away from the buildings. All the faces around me wore a new look of disbelief. I could now hear the roaring from behind me as I ran, and it quickened my pace although I could only imagine what was causing such an overpowering roar. And as fast as I ran, it was not fast enough. I was continuously pushed from behind, but my leg was throbbing so badly that I couldn’t help but try to slow down.
I was blinded by the blur of faces around me. I could see nothing but people running in alarm, but this time, the running was synchronized in only one direction: Away. Everyone was trying to escape whatever was so quickly and loudly chasing us. My first thought was a bomb. It was so loud that I thought not only had they hit the buildings with planes, but now they were bombing us. This had to be war.
Then, without warning, a huge cloud of dust engulfed us all. I continued running as fast as my legs would take me, but I could not see in which direction, nor from what we were running. And I couldn’t breathe. The dust was so thick all around me, that although I could feel the stranger’s bodies pressing against me as we ran in unison, I could not see any of them. All the faces had vanished into the dust. The world had vanished, but the roaring behind me would not desist. I now knew the severity of the situation, and ran faster despite the pain and despite the choking from the dust. But my leg could not take the pressure. It again buckled under me, sending me to what I considered certain death. I tumbled to the ground and just waited for the thousands of feet to trample me to death. But to my surprise, I was quickly lifted from the ground, and thrown over the shoulder of a man who couldn’t just walk away. It happened so quickly that I wasn’t sure if it was real. Although I could not see his face, I knew that it was a man who had saved me, and not a firefighter, but just a concerned passerby, a man with a good heart. He ran as fast as he could, even with the extra weight. I could say nothing, nor see anything. I choked and gagged on the dust, and I bounced up and down on his shoulder as he continued the race from death. He ran so fast.
Finally, the man placed me on a curb, out of harm’s way and disappeared into the dust, without so much as a word. He never revealed himself to me, nor attempted to claim his much deserved heroic glory, but instead, he gently plopped me down on the sidewalk, after running for blocks, and went back into the dust. He had saved me. But now I was alone.
I sat on the curb and squinted threw the dense dust blanket at my wounded leg. I tried to keep it as clean as I could, but my entire body was covered in gray dust from whatever had happened. I blinked and blinked in an attempt to rid the annoying dust from my eyes, but it was no use. As soon as my eyes were clear, more dust settled in them. There was just so much dirt.
But slowly, the dust began to clear, and the people carefully sauntered back in the direction of the towers. I had no idea what had taken place, but I stood up, and slowly walked with the silent group towards the twins. I looked around me as we walked. The exploding sounds had now stopped and as the dust settled, the silence became more noticeable. It sounded like the entire city had stopped moving, speaking, breathing. Everything was still except this steady flow of people emerging from the cloud, wondering what was left in the ruins. And as we got closer, and the sun began breaking through the cloud, brightening the darkened streets, I could see that one of the towers had collapsed. One of the beautiful landmarks for all that America stood for, was now just a memory. Just a shadow of what it once had been. I didn’t know which tower it was, or whether Kaydence had been inside or not, but there was no trace of the building now. And the lonely tower that was left standing looked all too out of place.
Everyone that surrounded me and stared on in continuous doubt was entirely covered from head to toe in this dust, as if covered by the blood from our murdered landmark. There was not a visible color on the entire street. And for the first time in the history of America, we were all exactly the same. There was no black or white. There was no man or woman. Everyone comforted everyone else, and what had separated us before, now only brought us closer together. There was no hesitation in stopping to help a wounded brother, or a crying sister. We all looked exactly the same, from head to toe, nothing different from the person standing next to me. And we were all mourning. We had all lost someone. It was such a sad sight to see so many tears and hear so many cries. There was nothing to be done, but to support and help one another. We were all a part of a joint race of human beings; A citizen not of a country, but of humanity. This was happening to all of us.
For a moment, we just stared at one another and at the gaping hole in the skyline, trying to make sense of it all. It looked like a huge tooth had been plucked. Everything looked different in comparison to the missing structure. Mounds and mounds of cement and steel was piled high around the base of the former monument, and I suddenly realized that my search for Kaydence had just grown in scale. But I still refused to give up. I had to keep searching because I knew that she would not give up. I knew that she was still out there somewhere waiting for me to find her.
As I walked towards the rubble, I remembered back to when Kaydence and I were kids. Her favorite game was hide and go seek. We would play together, just the two of us, for hours and hours. She would always be the one to hide, and I would always come to find her. And I would always find her. Even if it took me an hour, I would never stop looking, and she would never come out of her hiding place, no matter how long it took or how scared she was, because she knew that I would find her. She knew that I wouldn’t stop looking until I did. I wouldn’t let her down. And I couldn’t let her down now.
My thoughts were so rudely interrupted by a ringing cell phone. I glanced behind me, but could not see anyone reaching for their phones. The ringing came again, and I realized that it was from my very own phone, still secure in my back pocket. I snickered a little as I pulled it out, amazed that it had managed to stay in my pocket through the entire ruckus.
“Hello,” I answered, unsure of whether or not that was the proper address to use in light of such events. I was so off beat with normality, that I wasn’t sure what was considered normal anymore.
“Jocelyn? Oh thank God! I’m so glad you’re alive. Are you okay?” Hayden hurriedly said. He seemed to be just as panicked as anyone out here on the streets. “I’ve been trying to call you. I saw the tower fall from you’re window. I saw the planes. The news is saying its terrorist. They said the planes were hijacked. They just keep showing the planes hitting over and over on the tv. I couldn’t get a hold of you. Camille is panicked and I didn’t know what to tell her. I couldn’t get a hold of Kaydence-”
“Hayden-” I tried.
“And I thought you were dead. God, one of the towers just fell and I didn’t know which one you were in. I was just about to come down there-”
“Hayden, listen to me!” I yelled, finally stopping his stream of consciousness and tears. “Do not come down here! It’s far too dangerous. I need you to stay with Camille. She’s gonna be really scared, and I need you to stay there with her.” It was such a relief to hear his voice, and to hear his concern. He made me feel like I was not alone. His voice made the day in front of me less impossible. He gave me strength. He brought me back to reality. Up until that point, I wasn’t sure if I was still sane or not. I thought that I might be going crazy, but his voice calmed all those feelings. His voice gave me new hope.
“What are you doing down there still? Come home! Get out of there!” He insisted. He was trying to be strong, but it was just as hard for him as it was for me. I know how much of a relief it must have been for him to finally hear my voice as well. I couldn’t even imagine what he must have been thinking, having seen the tower fall and knowing I had been inside.
“Kaydence is still in the building. I can’t find her. I can’t leave her!” I said, as the tears washed the gray dust from my cheeks. “I won’t leave her Hayden. I can’t. She just… she went back in. I can’t believe it. I don’t know what she was thinking, but I can’t find her now. And I have to find her… And I’m so scared. Everything keeps happening here… it’s crazy.”
“I’ll come help you find her,” He suggested.
“NO! Stay with Camille. Please just stay with her. I’ll be fine. She needs you. She needs one of us with her,” I cried. I wanted so badly to hold her. I knew she was scared, I could feel it, and I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to be there with her, but I could not leave my sister. I could not walk away.
“Jocelyn… I don’t know what to do. I’m going crazy here. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” He cried, now letting the tears come.
“I’m okay. I’m cut on my leg, and I think my arm is broken. It hurts…” I began crying harder, “It hurts so bad, and I‘m so tired. I‘m just so tired Hayden,” I could no longer fight it.
“I don’t want to lose you again!” He cried.
“You won’t lose me, baby. I promise. I’ll come home to you, and we’ll be together… and we’ll be happy, and… we can get married, and get a house, and you’ll help me raise Camille, and Kaydence will be there, and… and this will all be just a memory, I promise. I promise… I promise…” I broke down. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I felt as if my world was slowly slipping away, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t hold on. As much as his voice gave me strength, it also broke me to pieces.
“Ma, I love you,” He said. It had been the first time in six years that I had heard those words. And it was the first time that I really felt it. Tears streamed down my face, but a smile slowly appeared in the place of the frown that I had been wearing all day. He loved me.
“I love you, Hayden.” I knew then that no matter what the outcome of today turned out to be, I would be content in having said those words. I would be content in having loved him.
“Camille wants to make sure you’re alright,” He said, now more calmed. The words seemed to work wonders for the both of us.
“Put her on,” I said, with a smile.
“Mamma?” Camille’s small, fear stricken voice came in on the other line. Immediately the tears were back.
“Yea, it’s me angel.” I loved her more than she would ever know.
“Mamma, where are you? Come home!” She instructed. I could tell that she was crying and it broke my heart. I wanted to tell her that it would all be okay, but I didn’t want to lie to her. I didn’t know that it would be.
“I’ll be home soon baby. I just have to go get aunt Kaydence, alright?” I answered, trying to mask the tears in my voice.
“And then you’ll come home?” She asked, still very concerned.
“And then I’ll come home.”
“Promise?” She persisted.
“I promise angel.”
“Don’t forget!” She said, now crying harder.
“I won’t forget baby… I love you,” I said. I couldn’t talk any longer. It was breaking my heart. I had to end the conversation before she realized the truth. “I have to go baby, I have to go!” I hung up the phone, and wiped the tears away. I took in a deep breath, and tried to gather my strength for one more search. I shoved the phone back into my pocket, and started jogging towards the lonesome building. I knew that time was running thin, and there was not much left for rescues.
As I approached the dying building, four firefighters came running out of the doors carrying between them an old man sitting in an office chair. I stopped running, and watched them march as if in a parade. Many others noticed as well, and stopped to pay their respects to the fallen hero. The old man in the chair, covered in dust like the rest of us, was wearing a fire chief jacket and a fire jump suit. As they ran past me I read the patch on his arm: Father Mychal Judge, City Chaplain. He was slouched over to the side and no longer breathing, and the four proud men brought him out with tears in their eyes and hate in their hearts. They had lost one of their own. I felt such sympathy for them, but I admired their never ceasing bravery as well. They were so strong, and they were so proud of their brother’s honorable passing. It was inspiring.
So many moments in today’s events had struck me just the same as this moment. So many times today, even in the mist of all the chaos and death, I was stopped by someone’s profound moment of bravery and heroism. We had truly come together, and we were helping one another for the first time. There were no longer factors to abide by, or rules to follow. We were all one. So many heroes emerged in a city where I thought none existed. So many strangers put their lives on the line for others, and without any gratitude, without any awards or recognition. There were so many moments where I was taken back, and made proud. Proud to be living here. Proud to be in America, despite it all.
There I stood once again, at the base of the last standing sister. I hesitated before entering, knowing my time was ever so limited, and my body was ever so weak. I knew that this was it. This was my last chance. And I was so disoriented, that I couldn’t even say for sure if this was the correct tower. Perhaps my search was already over, but I couldn’t even allow the thought.
I stepped inside the doorway and once again, journeyed up the twisted stairwell. But this time I didn’t search with my eyes, I simply let my feet take me up each step, as if towards heaven. And just as if an angel had been guiding my wandering feet through the remaining stairwell, I found my way to the highest floor that I could gain access to. But nothing looked familiar. I bent down and picked up a few pieces of paper, looking for some title or name or business label… something to tell me where I was and if this was the right tower. But there was just no trace of my baby sister, or any evidence that I was even on the right track.
“Kay?” I softly called, trying not to cry. I figured that if I didn’t allow myself to cry, I wouldn’t have to accept that fact that she was dead. If I wasn’t crying, she wasn’t dead. But she wasn’t answering either. The building was moving and contorting, and cement and steel was falling all around me. I knew it was only a matter of time before this twin gave out too. I knew she would come down.
As the panic in my heart grew, my search quickened. I moved more rocks and more debris, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. There were still too many rocks. The electricity was surging in and out, only making my search more difficult, and there was now water flooding down around me from the burst water pipes above. Rapids of water ran under my tired feet. It felt impossible. And I was just so exhausted.
“Kaydence, please answer me!” I whispered, as I sat back on my heels and looked around the demolished stairwell. My eyes fell upon a huge hole in one of the walls that had been caused by the falling neighbor. I crawled through the rubble towards the hole, and peered into the room that the new hole exposed. I jumped up and climbed down into the shattered room. I was careful to avoid the glass and broken cubicle walls, the only proof that this was once an office.
“Kaydence?” I called again. I hesitantly walked about the room, unsure of the condition of the walls or the floor beneath. I wasn’t sure if they would stand up for long. The room was so solitary. There was not a soul in sight.
I came upon a desk that seemed somehow unaffected by the state of things around it and I pulled open the desk drawer. I pulled out papers and files and stationary until I finally found something that would give me the answer I didn’t know if I was ready to accept: The address of the building where I now stood. It was just a letter, but it had been mailed to tower one. Tower one, not tower two.
The gravity of my loss hit me as if the plane had crashed all over again. Kaydence was gone. Or at least her tower was gone. It was exactly what I had feared and exactly what I realized I had already known. I crouched down and crawled under the lonely desk, clutching the letter to my heart and sobbing uncontrollably now. It had all been for nothing.
“Kaydence, why?!” I hissed through my choking. “WHY?!!” I screamed with everything I had left inside me. She was my sister. She was my best friend. My only friend. I had never known sadness until that moment. All the pain I had experienced during the day didn’t even compare. I had never known pain like that. Everything inside of me came out. My body shook and convulsed with my crying. Every day of my life had been spent beside this beautiful person, who now lay dead in the rubble somewhere. It was so unfair. Such an unfit grave for someone so wonderful, so full of life. And I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hold her. She must have been so scared.
And as I sat there sobbing, every single memory I ever had with her flashed through my mind. Every laugh, every joke, every fight. Every memory and inside joke that I knew involved this person. How could my life continue without her? My life didn’t work without her. I didn’t work without her. All the years of loving her and taking care of her were gone. And it was my fault. I didn’t find her in time. I couldn’t get to her fast enough. I wasn’t good enough. I let her down. I walked away.
“I’m so sorry Kay. I’m sorry!” I cried. The building was so loud now, and the clock was ticking. I knew I had only minutes to get out, and I was fairly certain it wouldn’t be enough time regardless. But before I could even begin to move in that direction, the tower started to shake and debris began to rain down all around. I pulled the desk chair underneath the desk up close to me for shelter. The room was exploding and erupting from all sides. I screamed, but knew no one would help me. I could see the end coming. I was numb to the sound. The steal was nearly breaking the desk above me as it fell.
For nearly a minute straight, the last standing sister fought against gravity. She held herself up with as much strength as she could manage, but it was a struggle. And just as quickly as it started, the building momentarily came to rest once again. She had won this battle. But it was not the last battle facing her. Debris was now covering the floor completely, and I could feel the broken sister warning me. She was telling me to get out. I hesitantly climbed out from under the desk and examined the newly strewed room. My exit had been blocked in the small quake. I stood up and ran to the wall that had led me to the truth. Had it also led me to my death? I was trapped. I looked around the room, but soon learned that there was no way out. I ran from wall to wall, hoping to find something; some way to freedom. Some way of escaping. But there was nothing. Nothing left for me.
“Damn you! God damn it!” I screamed. I pounded on the walls and beat the ground with my feet, but it was no use. There was no escaping.
I cried.
After all my narrow escapes and all my ‘almosts’ of today, was this really how it would end? I guess I had tempted fate one too many times.
I screamed as loud as I could. It was a fruitless effort. I was so scared. But more than that, I was so tired. I was tired of being scared. I cried so loud, and this time I let the tears come. I didn’t even try to keep them within. What was there left to be strong for? I was trapped. There was no hope left for me.
With a shaking breath, I came back to the desk and sat down on the ground beside it. My tears stopped and I was able to catch my breath. And for the first time, I allowed myself to picture Camille’s beautiful face. Camille; this was going to be hard on her.
I pulled out my phone and calmly dialed my home number for the last time. I knew what I had to do, and after all was said and done, I felt lucky to have been given the clarity and the opportunity to do it. I took in a deep breath, and swallowed hard.
The phone rang only once before my eager daughter quickly picked it up.
“Hello?” She softly said. It was that same voice that had driven me onwards when I wanted to give up so many times before. It was that same voice that had been my inspiration. She had been my life, my guiding light. And I was hoping that she would be again, one last time.
“Hey angel,” I whispered threw my tears. I smiled so big at the thought of her. She was my greatest achievement, and my proudest moment. She was so smart. She had already become so much. I was so proud of her.
“Mamma!” She chimed. She was never anything shy of delighted to hear from me, even when I had just spoken to her not long before. Never once was she anything less than a perfect daughter. “When are you coming home?” She asked, so very excitedly. The tears streamed down my cheeks again. I sighed deeply, trying to find a way to tell her that which I myself could not deal with. I could barely breathe. I wished that there was another way.
“Actually baby…” I fought my fear. “I’m gonna have to break that promise,” I whispered. I could barely get the words past the throbbing lump in my throat. But I tried to be strong. I had to be strong for her. Just this one last time…
“But you promised!” Camille reminded me. She never forgot anything. She was constantly keeping me on my toes. And I loved her for that. I loved her for so many things that I would never be able to thank her for.
“I know Cams, but… you’re just gonna have to forgive me for that.” I hoped that someday she would. “I know that you don’t understand this… I know that you’re sad and this hurts, but… you will see… someday. You’ll understand all this, honey.”
There was a long pause before she answered.
“You have to stay with auntie Kaydence?” She inquired. It was as if she knew. I could hear the sadness in her voice, but I could also hear the comprehension. Could she possibly understand what I was telling her?
“Yea… I have to stay with auntie Kaydence.” I cried. She was far stronger than I would ever be, and she was so much more than I could have ever asked for. I would miss her.
“Will I get to see you again?” She asked, innocently enough. I could hear that she was crying, but she was now staying strong for me. A small cry escaped my lips.
“Oh Cam…” I tried. I had to stop and swallow the unbearable pain that I felt. “No baby…
Not how you think.”
I had to pull the phone away from my ear for a second to let the cry escape my throat. I was shaking so violently that it was hard to focus on keeping calm
“But I’ll miss you too much,” She said, letting a cry escape through the telephone. Her voice was shaking.
“I know, honey” I cried. “I’ll miss you so much.” My voice stopped working for just a second, while I swallowed the sob. “But I’ll always be with you, baby. I’ll never leave you, okay? Just think of me, and I’ll be there. All your life, okay angel?”
“Can I talk to you too?” She asked. I sniffed hard, and cleared my face as best I could.
“Yes. Tell me everything.”
“Mamma?” She questioned.
“Yea, honey?”
“Is this why you gave me daddy? So that he can take care of me?”
All this time of keeping it a secret, and never giving her even so much as a clue as to who her father might be, and she knew him all along. I smiled through the pain.
“Yea Cams… Daddy will take care of you.” There was no need to deny it ever again.
“I changed my mind. I like having a daddy.”
I nodded. There was so much I was going to miss. So many moments. But in that moment, it gave me so much peace and satisfaction knowing that somehow, God had allowed Hayden back into our world. Somehow, Camille would not be left alone. Somehow, this would have a happy ending.
“And you listen to him, cause he knows what he’s talking about… and help him learn how to be a dad. He‘s been wanting to be one for so long…” I cried openly now. “And don‘t… don‘t be mean to people. And don‘t be afraid to love, and I know this means nothing to you now but… when you find love, true love, don‘t ever run from it, okay?” I cried so hard. I didn’t know what to leave with her. I thought about her graduation day, and her wedding day, and the day she has her first baby. There were so many motherly duties that I still had yet to complete. So much advice to give, and lessons to teach.
“Mamma…” She cried with me.
“And always remember that… you are the best part of my life. Okay baby? You are my angel. You… you made my life something to smile about.”
“Okay,” She listened so carefully, and her small sniffles went right to my heart.
“You were my favorite part.”
“Okay, Mamma.”
“I love you Camille. I’ll never stop loving you!”
“Promise?” She whispered threw her tears after a second of pause.
“I Promise!” I tried to put as much meaning into the words as I could possibly convey.
“I love you too Mamma.”
I could say nothing more. There was just no more. The cries were overtaking me. The sadness was too overwhelming.
“Don’t cry Mamma!” Her request only brought more sadness. “I love you in the morning… I love you in the night.” Camille started singing. “I love you when you’re bad, I even love you when you’re right!” I laughed an exasperated laugh. She heard me and giggled too.
“I love you every single day and if you ask me why…” We sang together. “It’s because you make me smile… even when I want to cry.” We finished the song together, both smiling through our tears.
The tower began to moan. I looked up and could see that she was on her last leg. My time was up.
“I have to go now angel… but remember what I said… and… and tell your daddy thank you for me… Tell him that I love him.” I stopped crying now, and calmly came to terms with what was happening. It was time.
“Mamma no…” Camille started to cry again.
“I’ll always be there with you,” I whispered. And I hung up the phone.
I sat there in the last silence before the second beautiful tower fell, and cleared the tears from my face. I threw my phone across the room and crawled back under the desk. I just hoped that it wouldn’t hurt much.
And as if she had given me just enough time to say my goodbyes, the tower roared and screamed as she began her final decent to the earth. I could feel the shaking of the ground beneath me, as level upon level above me sandwiched, closer and closer to concealing my fate. I took in as many breaths as I could. I closed my eyes and thought about Camille. I held her in my mind and I refused to let the fear or the panic push her out of my thoughts. I kept her there until the end. Until everything went dark. And suddenly, there she was. There was no more screaming buildings, or pain, or sadness; there was only Camille. She was standing in front of me waving goodbye. I waved back to her.
September 15th
Friday
Camille’s birthday
On Camille’s birthday there was a memorial held for all those brave souls who lost their lives in the events of September 11th. The rebuilding of a nation had begun, but was far from finished. Debris and steel was taken out of city by the truck loads, and bodies were being pulled out at a steady pace. Survivors and family were still searching the debris for their loved ones, still hoping that somehow, someway they would not have to say goodbye. But we had all said goodbye. We had said goodbye to so many ideals that until that day we, as American’s, had lived by. We now knew that we were not untouchable, and we were not invincible. We had been deliberately and violently attacked, and we had suffered the loss of not only lives, but of our dignity. Of course we fought back with everything we had, and the nation was united. Flags graced the homes and windows of nearly every civilian from the east coast to the west. Candle vigils united us across the nation. But things had changed. America had changed. On September 11th, we were so early waking to the sound of defeat. Life was no longer a dream. We were now awake.
“I was saved on Tuesday, September 11th. I was one of the few lucky people who was saved on September 11th,” Madison said, as she spoke proudly of her hero. She stood at the podium and addressed the group of mourners at the memorial services held at what became known as ‘ground zero.’
“I wouldn’t have made it out on my own. I would not have survived to see my daughter and to kiss my husband again. I would have never made it out alive if it hadn’t have been for a young woman. She was no more than 25 years old, but she was brave far beyond her years. She stopped to help me when no one else would. And she saved me… I don’t even know her name… And I don’t know if she made it through the day.” She began to cry.
“My hero may not be alive today, although she is the sole reason why life now continues for me.” Madison took a tissue from her pocket and blotted her eyes. “It’s so very hard to imagine.”
“Today is her daughter’s birthday. I know this because when I asked her if I would ever see my daughter again, she invited my daughter and I to her daughter’s sixth birthday, which was to be today. And, Camille, if you’re here today, and if you’re thinking that you’re mother didn’t get you a gift for your birthday this year… sleep soundly Camille… Because your mother is a gift… She is a beautiful gift… and she adores you… and I hope and pray that she is with you today. But if she is not, please know that the world is a better place, even in light of the recent events, because you‘re mother was a part of it…”
“There were many victims on Tuesday all over the world, and there were many, many tears that drowned out the terror of such an event… but because of your mother, Camille, there was one less victim, many less tears… and one more… brave hero to celebrate.” Madison finished her speech, and stepped down from the podium. She hobbled off the stage. Her leg had been amputated at the knee but she had escaped nevertheless.
“Excuse me ma’am!” A man’s voice caught Madison’s attention. She spun around to answer the call, but the man’s face was unfamiliar to her.
“Yes,” She answered.
“Hello. My name is Hayden Robertson. I knew the woman you were talking about… Her name was Jocelyn.” He shook her hand, and she welcomed him. A tear rolled down her cheek, as she took notice of the past tense he has used.
“Oh dear,” She cried. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” Hayden accepted her words kindly.
“You’re a lucky man to have known her,” She said, after a careful pause, and a deep breath. She turned from him with a smile and began to walk away, unable to face him.
“This is Camille,” Hayden said, stopping her. “She wanted to meet you.” He said, offering his young daughter to the lady whom her mother had saved. Madison’s face changed.
“Ohh…Happy birthday,” Madison said, struggling to bend down to Camille’s level. The tears now ran freely down Madison’s face as she saw the clear resemblance of Jocelyn in Camille.
“Thank you!” Camille graciously said. She stood there for a moment, and didn’t say anything else. Madison stayed down at her level and stared right back at Camille without a word. Finally, Camille embraced Madison. She hugged the woman as tightly as she could, and held on for a long while. She knew that her mother was smiling down on her.
“We can never know the extent of heroism displayed that day. It reached from moments of graciousness far removed from the scenes of death and destruction to lost forever gestures between one dying soul and another. Based on what we do know, heroism, gallantry and courage were general in New York, Washington and the skies above Pennsylvania. Some of these stories are oft-told, others have hardly been commented upon. Together they stand as testament to something good in the human spirit, and something noble in the American character.”
-Life magazine.
“All of them were innocent. Hundreds of them laid down their lives in an effort to save others. Ultimately, slowly, the thought emerged that these people- more than 5,000 in all- were victims of war, civilian casualties in a cruel and dirty conflict.”
-Life Magazine.
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Adventures of a twenty-something! 