And down she goes

Brace yourself readers…

It’s time for cheat number 3. And it can’t be abbreviated.

Cheat number one was hard because as the title of that blog suggests: The first cut is the deepest. That’s true and all, but it doesn’t really hold a torch to cheat number 2. And cheat number 2, HurtLocker, is really quite forgivable when you compare him to cheat number three. So although this was not my first OR second heart-break… it was probably the worst. It definitely changed me drastically as a person. And when I look back on my relationship with this person, I really don’t even recognize myself. It’s a very specific version of me that never existed before or after this relationship. It’s very strange. And yet, if I had never had my heart so completely torn apart, I would never have needed 2 1/2 years for it to repair. And if I hadn’t had that time to fix what was broken and set new standards for myself… I never would have made my way to Burny. Life happens for a reason. And although it’s hard to even tell this story… I know that I have to embrace it. It’s part of me.

I met SinkinShip in early March of 2005. It had only been 3 months since I found out HurtLocker was engaged, and not that it has to be said, I wasn’t over that yet. I was still not eating and not sleeping, but I agreed to go out with Lizzard on that fateful night just because I was feeling really pathetic. She picked me up and we had every intention of heading to Pacific Beach (yes, I was living in SD at this time) or somewhere equally as ‘exciting’ but we had to make one quick stop before we began our night to say hello to her boyfriend at the time.

This is what really weirds me out… what if we hadn’t stopped? What if her boyfriend hadn’t gone out that night? What if I had just stayed home like I wanted to do anyway… where would I be? WHO would I be?

But alas, we went to Effin’s on El Cajon Blvd. If you’ve never been there, it’s a rather small Irish pub and one of my very favorite hang outs. I have so many good memories there, both before and after this night. And I find it very strange that I had never seen SinkinShip there before and I never knew him to go there while we were dating either. It was just one of those random, fate-ish things. But he was there on that night. And he was there with Lizzard’s boyfriend. There was no avoiding him. Not that I could have. There was a very strong connection between he and I, even from the very moment we saw each other. I can picture it very clearly, coming in the bar and him looking over and locking eyes… I can even remember what we were both wearing. It felt very cosmic. And I know that sounds cheesy but you’ll see as this blog progresses that this guy had a very strong pull on me.

Lizzard and I approached the table where both her boyfriend, and SinkinShip were stationed. It didn’t take Ship long to start a conversation with me. Lizzard had leaned in close to talk to her boyfriend and he and I were standing side by side rather awkwardly. It was very loud in the bar and he was very tall- 6’5”- so he had to lean way down to talk into my ear.

“I like your shoes.”

That’s what started it all. I was wearing black and pink Converses. I found it really intriguing that that was what he decided to open up with.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t see Chucks on girls very much”

“I wear them all the time.”

It was true… I did.

I was immediately attracted to Ship. He was exactly my ‘type’ if you will. Let me correct myself… he WAS my type; the type I had been attracted to from the time I started to notice boys up until Ship. It also has to be said that he was the last of this ‘type’ that I ever dated. Keep in mind that I was living in San Diego and I was wearing Chucks… Ship was tall and lean. He had amazing blue eyes, dark hair (which is a very rare combo it seems), and he had tattoos.Ttattoos were kind of my trade mark thing. If he looked like a douche, I probably liked him.

Ship was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and I could see a half sleeve (tattoo) just popping out at the bottom. True love.

So we were talking and because it was so loud he kept having to lean down and nearly shout in my ear. And after about 20 minutes of the shouting back and forth, he just kind of left his face near my ear and we talked like that… cheeks touching. I could just feel the chemistry right away, which should have been a huge warning sign for me. I can never think straight when there is chemistry. But as if that wasn’t enough of a reason for me to run in the other direction, I noticed something on his wrist as he was talking to me…

Another tattoo. And just as he was telling me a story about what he does for work- he was in the Navy OF COURSE- I cut him short and grabbed his wrist to examine it closer.

“Tell me this is written in ink!”

Ship looked at his wrist, licked his thumb and tried to rub it off. It didn’t even smudge. The tattoo on his wrist said:

Don’t be a pussy.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

How on earth did I continue talking to this guy? Who does that? Who tattoos that on their wrist???? Trust me, I asked him all these questions and proceeded to berate him for being such an idiot. He gave me some story about how 12 of his friends all had the same thing and there was some reason for it, which of course I can’t remember now, because really… what reason could there be?

Well, that was a deal breaker for me. I wasn’t drinking and I was keeping my head on mostly straight and I just couldn’t be talking to a guy who had a tattoo like that on his wrist. No thanks! I was just about to leave when… I didn’t.

2 hours later, we were still chatting and Lizzard asked me if it was okay if she just went home with her boyfriend. He lived right down the street from the bar. I said sure, knowing that I had a lot of friends who lived nearby if need be. But also unwilling to leave my new-found idiot. So Ship and I talked well into the night… all the way until closing. I still wasn’t drinking, but NONE of my friends were answering the phone. Without really intending to, and without being even remotely intoxicated, I had gotten myself into a really uncomfortable and probably unsafe situation. Now, I’ve had my days in college but I didn’t make it a practice of going home with random men that I had just met that night at the bar. Certainly not! But at that point, I really didn’t see a lot of options. I could either go to Ship’s friends house with him. Or I could wander the streets at 2am hoping that one of my friends would either answer their phones, or be home when I got there. Neither sounded too great.

I decided to stick with Ship. He promised and swore that he would take me home in the morning and he wouldn’t try anything and that he would even walk me wherever I needed to go if need be. I had nowhere to go. I really hadn’t thought it through. So I decided to trust the guy with the ‘don’t be a pussy’ tattoo.

We went to his friend’s house and true to his word, Ship didn’t make a single move. We made some hotdogs at around 3am and continued talking. Ship had led quite a life. Another HUGE warning sign would have been his past drug use, his arrests, his family life, his crazy relationships… I don’t know, pick one. But at that time in my life, I was in the ‘I will fix him’ stage. I think all women go through some version of that, right? Well I certainly did. I thought to myself: I am going to change him. I am going to be worth it to him. He will change for me. What silly, silly thoughts. Please ladies… don’t ever even try to convince yourself of that. When you put your WORTH in someone elses hands like that… it won’t end well. Trust me.

We pulled out the sofa couch, slept side by side, and he didn’t so much as touch me. He took me home in the morning and dropped me off. We had exchanged phone numbers of course, and as soon as he drove away, he texted me that he had enjoyed meeting me.

And that is how we left it.

How different I would be if that is how we would have left it forever.

In the morning I told KayTown all about my brush with danger. She had been fast asleep when I was calling for a ride and so she was very concerned as to where I had ended up. I’m smiling to myself right now because Kay used to tell me that whatever guy I happened to be talking about was just “one of my guys.” I was somewhat of a flirt. I still am. But back in college, it was out of control. Week to week, my crush was someone different. I am a self-proclaimed lip slut. I love kissing and I had kissed my way across the entire state by that point. Note: A lip slut and a slut are not the same.

So when I told KayTown about my new crush, she brushed it off as if it were just another of my boys. And at first, it seemed like that would be the case. He didn’t call. No word. Not for a week. And then one week later I got a voicemail from a voice I didn’t recognize. It was him, but he didn’t say his name. He said that he had gone ‘out to sea’ and was back and wanted to see me. He said he was having a party at his house and I should come. I ran into Kay’s room and told her to get dressed. She was going to meet my crush! A week of thinking about a guy will always get a girl overly excited. This was no exception.

Kay and I went over to his house. I hate to even bring this up but he walked out to meet us and he was wearing board shorts and no shirt. He was into wrestling so this was a huge selling point, the whole no shirt thing. We went inside and he introduced us to everyone. He was very friendly, clearly the life of the party, and I had no trouble stepping up to meet that standard. Kay and I spent most of the night in the garage, chatting with his friends and he came back and forth to talk with us and then back into the house to be a host. It worked out quite well.

Towards the end of the night, still rather unsure of what the situation was going to develop into between he and I, Ship made a move. Kay and he and I were standing in the living room, just talking between the three of us, and he put one finger up as if to say “hold on a sec”. He took the drink out of my hand, he took the keys out of my hand and he took the phone out of my hand and he handed all of that to Kay, who was standing right there beside us. And then he put his hands on my cheeks, and he kissed me. It might sound awkward, but it was very sweet. And Kay and I were close enough so that it didn’t make her feel weird. She actually said:

“How cute! Was that the first kiss?”

It was the first of many.

I fell in love with Ship pretty quickly, fight as I might. He and I actually set up rules. He knew about HurtLocker, what had happened between us, and how devastated and fragile I was because of that relationship- which makes this story so much more painful- and he was aware that I wanted to take things slow. I know it may seem weird that we opened the X-files so quickly, but I really felt like I had to tell him where I was at. He needed to know that I wasn’t in the market to be messed with. And he seemed to understand and respect that. At first…

It was St. Patrick’s day and he and I had gone downtown with a few of my friends, and we were pretty drunk. I remember standing in the kitchen of my house afterwards and just staring at him and laughing and having a really great moment. And I remember him saying that he was totally infatuated with me. He couldn’t stop thinking about me. He was totally smitten. And I said:

“I’m in LIKE with you”.

One of our rules was that we were not going to say love. We were not going to fall in love. We were not even going to talk about things that had to do with love. Not at all. Being in LIKE was our compromise. And that’s what we used for a long while.

Shortly after we started dating, I became painfully aware of his ex girlfriend and her constant presence in his life. She called on average 20 times a day. He never answered- at least not while I was around- and he was always complaining about how crazy she was. The story seemed to fit. I remember spending the night at his house and finding a HUGE ink spot on his sheets. He said that it happened St. Patrick’s day. She came over and his roommates said he was out and so she broke a pen on his bed. Or so the story goes…

I should have seen this as yet another red flag. That is definitely not something I wanted to be involved with… but I was already in too deep.

Ship and I had a pretty relaxed situation at the beginning, which really was exactly what I needed. He had to go ‘out to sea’ often for training and I was in school and so we saw each other 3 or 4 times a week. It wasn’t everyday and that was nice. And to be perfectly honest, it was he who decided that we should be exclusive. It was he who decided to have ‘the talk’ with me. He made it serious. And I didn’t complain. But we still stayed away from that ‘love’ word. One time he said it on accident, more as a joke than anything else, and he gasped, covered his mouth and started apologizing. I had made a joke and he said: “You’re so retarded, I love you.” That was it. But it lingered…

I guess it was a few months in when things started to take a turn. I was graduating college in May of that year and I was heading to Oxford to study theater for the summer. I was actually planning to move back to Northern California before I left for Europe. That had been the plan and although we hadn’t really talked about it, I was already doubting my decision to move. When I finally did come clean to Ship about my plans, he was devastated. And at that moment, I felt him start to pull away from me and I felt myself hold onto him harder and harder. I really think that was the turning point. That was the beginning of me giving up myself to be with him.

Sometime before my graduation in May, Ship and I had our first major blow out fight. By that point in our relationship I had discovered that his party lifestyle was pretty much just that: a lifestyle. He was nothing short of an alcoholic, which shouldn’t have been surprising given the things I knew about his past dependency issues. And even more than that, he had anger management issues. And when I say that I mean that he was in court mandated classes for his anger management. But until that first major blow out, I really had not seen that side of him.

But that night, I’ll never forget. His roommate had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend and he had thrown a beer in her face. Yes, these are the type of people Ship hung out with. Of course the girlfriend stormed out, and of course, Ship felt that he needed to get involved. He ran outside after her and started running down the street after her car. As he was running, drink in hand, his pants fell down and he tripped and super maned across the cement. It should have been funny, but it wasn’t. It was sad. It was so pathetic that he was that wasted that I started to cry. And at this point in my life, I hadn’t talked to my own father because of his drinking problems for nearly 2 years, so seeing my boyfriend that drunk really stuck a chord with me.

When he saw that I was crying, he stumbled over to me and tried to figure out why. When I told him it was because he was so drunk… he lost it. I can’t really explain it. I have no idea why that set him off, but he completely lost it. He started punching the house and punching trees and screaming and throwing things. It was terrifying. I ran in the house and got into bed, hoping to just fall asleep. But he followed me in there, apologizing but still throwing things around. I was hysterically crying and totally beside myself but he just kept going.

I called Rossco at that point, even though it was about 4am, to come and pick me up. I had never been around someone like that and I was sure that the craziness was about to be turned on me. Rossco didn’t hesitate. He jumped in his car with another close guy friend of mine and he sped to get me. Thank God for that.

But as soon as Ship found out that I had called a guy to come and pick me up, he was livid. And this time it WAS directed at me. And what did I do? I apologized. I begged him to not be mad. I told him that I was stupid for calling anyone and that I was just going to go home and go to bed but that I would see him in the morning. And worst of all… I meant it. I really was sorry that I had made him so upset. Yep, I blamed myself.

When Rossco showed up, Ship insisted on walking me out. I was so scared. I had already seen Ship get into two fights and I was just so sure that that was exactly his intention when we walked up to Rossco. Thank the Lord, nothing happened. Ship kissed me and put me in the car. There was definitely some terrible looks exchanged between Rossco and my enraged boyfriend, but not even a word was mumbled. My friend driving the car had white knuckles he was holding onto the steering wheel so tightly. He couldn’t even look at Ship. I don’t blame him. And to this day I am so very sorry to both those boys for involving them in that. I brought them into such an awful situation and that wasn’t fair. But at the same time, I am so grateful to have had people in my life that care about me as much as those boys do. I feel lucky.

The next day, Ship refused to talk to me and I was miserable. I felt like the whole thing had been my fault and I was LITERALLY begging him to take me back. And please know that I have never been like this before. I have never been hit, I have never been in any sort of abusive relationship, but all the same… I was totally playing the role of the battered woman. I was defending him to Rossco. I was defending him to Kay and he was saying such awful things to me in return. He called me a slut. He said he never wanted to see me again. He said that I had ruined everything. It went on and on. But I did have one thing that he needed… his work boots. So after an entire day of convincing, he agreed to come over and get his boots so that we could talk.

All that he remembered from the night before was that I had called a boy and went home with him. He had no idea why I did it. He did not remember the punching or the yelling. He remembered that it was my fault. And when I told him about all the rest, he said:

‘Oh well, sorry.’

And that was it. He stayed with me that night. We were back together…

Our relationship only got worse, and I seemed to give up more and more of myself to make it better. Remember when I told you that I had put my worth in his hands… well the second that I convinced myself that I was going to be worth it to him to change his ways… was the second I decided that I was going to be treated this way. The more I wasn’t worth anything to him, the more I needed that worth. The more I tried to BE worth it.

One night he called me, it was a Wednesday and I had school the next morning, but he wanted me to go out with him in PB. He said that he was eating dinner and that he would be over to pick me up in an hour. I tried to convince him that I really didn’t want to go, but at the same time, I was so desperate for him to want me that I agreed. I got in the shower, did my make up, got dressed… and he never came. He wouldn’t even answer his phone.

One day he told me to come down to the beach and meet him. There used to be a huge party in PB every year called ‘PB Block Party’ and it had become somewhat of a tradition. I was planning to go regardless, but when Ship invited me to meet him down there, I was overjoyed. I went down there with DMo and it was the same story… he wouldn’t answer his phone. I was down at the beach for hours and I never found him. I found his car and I left him a note… he didn’t call me until the morning and he was mad at me because I had called him 22 times. He called me crazy. I apologized.

It wasn’t all bad though. It never is. Obviously there must have been some reason I stayed with him, right? Well… yes. But to be honest… I can’t remember the reason. I know he was funny and he could be very sweet. He was great to D’Monk and KayTown but that couldn’t have been all of it. I remember him taking me to a fancy brunch one time and I remember he went to a play just because it was ‘my thing.’ He did want to leave at intermission though… I don’t know. This is why this story is so hard for me to tell… I don’t know why I was this person. I can’t think of what would have come over me. It wasn’t real love. It couldn’t have been. Fear? I don’t know. It just makes me so sad. And it breaks my heart to think that some people live their whole lives this way… afraid. I wasn’t so much afraid of him… although the thought had crossed my mind that I should have been… but I was afraid that after everything, HE was going to leave ME. I just never knew what to expect. And I was just holding on for dear life…

When I graduated college, he was there. He was sitting in the audience, cheering me on with my mom, MacTen and my friends. LemonBass had come to see me graduate too, and of course that had caused a fight. Ship didn’t understand why I would have an ex boyfriend come to see me graduate. I didn’t understand why his ex girlfriend called so much, but I apologized. It was always my fault. And I’m sure that is why he came to my graduation anyway, to make sure I didn’t do anything bad, but whatever the reason I was so glad he was there. I remember feeling so validated that day because he was there. Because he made the effort. LemonBass had gotten on a plane. My family had driven 9 hours to be there… but the validation came from Ship.

That night was kind of a strange night, I have to say. Ship was actually quite the charmer. He stayed with me and my family all night. He even went with us to a gay bar. And he even stayed sober to watch over me and make a good impression on my mom… but that story is one for another blog. It’s actually quite entertaining. But I’m gonna breeze over it for now…

So after graduation, I had a major decision to make. Should I stay or should I go? Obviously we had been talking about it, and clearly I had been thinking about it non-stop. I wasn’t quite ready to leave San Diego, but I certainly wasn’t ready to leave Ship. I knew that would have been the end. So ultimately, I decided to stay in San Diego. I just wasn’t ready to quit. But even though I had decided to stay… that didn’t mean that my house was still available to me. I had already found someone to take my place… I was essentially homeless. But I still felt like it was the right decision.

So what did I do?

I moved in with Ship. It really wasn’t my intention for things to work out that way, but I have to say that I was very happy that they did. And I was even more overjoyed that he was allowing me to move in! I felt like we were finally taking a step in the right directions. I have no idea why the evidence leading up to this event would cause me to think that this was moving in the right direction, but that’s hardly the point. We both knew I was going to be leaving for over two months starting the following month (insert trip to Europe and studying at Oxford here) and so really, it was only ever going to be a temporary thing. He didn’t even give me a key.

Before I left for Europe, I went home to Northern California for 2 weeks. I moved in with Ship, slept there about 3 nights, and then I went home. It was the beginning of an extremely long separation for us. And leaving was very hard. I knew I was going to see him before I left for Europe, but that was only going to be for a few days… this was the beginning of the longest goodbye I’ve ever had.

The night before I left for home, Ship and I spent our last night in MY house. It was a very emotional, very humbling night. Ship was actually pretty broken up about it, and again, that was hugely validating. Anything that showed he cared was all I ever wanted. But he kept saying that I was leaving HIM. He made that very clear. At the time I didn’t think anything of it. I guess I WAS leaving him…

That night he told me he loved me. It was the first time. He broke the rule. And I loved him back.

I left the next morning. When I was home, we talked on the phone every night. One night, he broke out in hysterics talking to me. He said that he had taken everything for granted with me and now I was going to be gone. Remember how I said that when I first brought up the fact that I was leaving… I felt him pulling away. Well, apparently he regretted it. And that was all the fuel I needed to go over seas and feel confident in my relationship. He regretted treating me that way and so all was forgiven! I knew there was hope for us! I was willing to believe that a few weeks at the beginning of our relationship was what was real… and everything since had just been a bad day. He loved me. He really loved me. I felt it, finally! At the risk of being terribly lame and ironic, I’m going to quote one of my husband’s songs:

“That ain’t what love is. That ain’t what love does.”

I had a graduation party at my house in Nor Cal a few days before I left for Europe. Ship actually got on a plane and flew up for it. I couldn’t believe it. He kept telling me that he was going to, but I never really believed that he actually would do it. Even when he said he had bought the ticket, I still didn’t really believe him. But when I went to the airport to pick him up and he came down the escalator with a huge smile on his face, I knew that it was actually real. I thought that I just might be in the relationship that I hoped I was in. And it really felt like all the bad stuff was behind us and we were turning over a new leaf. He had told me he loved me. He had admitted he regretted everything. We had moved in together! We were ever starting to talk about getting married. It was really real.

The night of my graduation party, Ship was introduced as my boyfriend to everyone. Again, he didn’t get drunk and make a fool of himself. He seemed to be very much in control and he was happy to chat with anyone who he came in contact with. He understood that I had to mingle and that I wouldn’t really be able to babysit him. He didn’t need that. Despite it all, come to find out later, no one was really that impressed by him. I was the only one who really fell under his spell.

After the party, things took a change. My cousin, some friends of mine and of course, Ship and I, all went out to the bars. Ship made up for lost time and was quickly intoxicated. He was talking to this girl, clearly flirting with her, which really didn’t bother me as much as he was hoping it would. I knew that he was staying at my house and I knew that he was just trying to piss me off, and so I played right back. I started flirting with a guy friend of mine. About five minutes into that, he came over, grabbed me by the arm and made some rude commit about how I was acting. I brushed it off, but it was obvious that the night was over at that point.

We all took a cab ride home and the total cost of the cab was $12. My cousin had a few bucks, but the rest of the cab fare fell on Ship’s dime. He was my boyfriend after all, and it would have been the right thing to do to pay anyway, but for some reason, this really set him off. We had to walk about a block from where the cab dropped us off and by the time we got into the guest room at my mom’s house, Ship was beside himself. He started screaming at me and slamming doors and hitting the walls. He grabbed me several times and it felt like he wanted to throw me across the room, but he didn’t. I was just sobbing the whole time. He was saying things like:

“You are just like your mother.”

“No wonder your dad doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

He was really going for the gut and he was so far out of line it was hard to know where the lines were. He really didn’t know anything about my dad. Only that he was an alcoholic and we hadn’t talked in a while. But he also knew that it was a sore subject. And he totally used that against me. It was the first time in my life that I was really scared that I was going to be beat up. I was just standing there against the wall waiting for the blow.

It never came. Thank God. But neither did anyone else. Ship was screaming at me. There was a house full of people. And no one even knocked on the door. And you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like everyone thought I deserved it. Can you even believe what one person can do? Can you believe what control one person can have over another person? It still amazes me today.

He finally stopped yelling and started crying. Then came the apologies and the ‘I’ll never act like that again’s.’ I was a cliché.

The next day on the drive back down to San Diego, Ship was driving and he brought up the fight. I asked him if he remembered what had happened and he said he had. He clearly felt the same way sober as he had drunk the night before. I cried the whole drive home.

And then I left for Europe.

If you read my journal from Europe, you would never guess in a million years that a blog like this could ever exist. For the first month, I gush about Ship. I talk about how much I miss him and how much he understands me and supports me. I was gone for over 2 months and I talked to him 3 or 4 times. MacTen talked to her boyfriend almost everyday. Something is wrong with that picture.

But by the second month, about half way through my program in Oxford, a little light started to be shed. I was finally removed enough, and happy enough, and WORTH enough on my own that I was able to see for the first time, that maybe things weren’t the way I thought they were. Maybe Ship wasn’t the guy for me. I was hopeful, but I was also starting to be realistic. And my journal reflects that too. Thank God for Mac. This trip is where we really solidified that we NEED each other and that we will always be connected, no matter what distance comes between us. Mac was my rock through all of this with Ship, especially in Europe. Kay was there for the good times, Mac was there for the fall out. Kay was in New York by that time and although she tried to offer her support, she was going through her own blog-worthy relationship drama.

By the time Mac and I got on the plane to come home, I already knew that my relationship was over. I changed in Europe. My eyes were opened. And I really felt ready and prepared to end things with Ship. I knew it was the best thing for me. And more than anything, I knew that I had out grown him. I had become the person who was not going to put up with that shit anymore. But that didn’t make what was coming any easier…

Ship was at the airport when I got home from Europe. He had insisted on being there. And as soon as I saw him… everything I thought I knew went out the window. Love is stupid like that.

We went home to OUR house and I fell asleep. It was all just too much to deal with. And that’s what I did for an entire week. I just went to sleep instead of dealing with what I had realized in Europe. Instead of getting myself out of the shit hole I had put myself in. I did that until finally, I couldn’t sleep anymore. I just laid there. I just laid there next to this man who I didn’t even know, and I was afraid I was going to slip back into the girl I didn’t know as well. And it was on one of those restless nights that I heard Ship’s phone go off. It was past midnight. Who one earth could be texting him? I had to know.

And so I did something that I had never done before. I went through his phone.

The message had come from the ex girlfriend. The same one who had been tormenting me our entire relationship. We had been together nearly a year, and she was still around. What did she say:

“Hey, is Sarah your girlfriend? Because it says you have a girlfriend on myspace.”

Okay.

First of all: Myspace? Ship had a myspace when we first started dating and he deleted it because he didn’t want his ex to know what was going on in his life. As far as I was concerned he didn’t have a myspace. And now his ex… the same ex he was trying to avoid… was friends with him and I, his LIVE IN girlfriend, was not.

Second of all: Who the FUCK is Sarah?

Third: Why does your ex think that this SARAH is your girlfriend????

And finally: Why does you ex, who you talk to every single day, NOT KNOW that your girlfriend of nearly a year is named MRSWATERCLOSET?!!????!?!?!?

I can not tell you how difficult it was for me to lay there the rest of the night next to him. I can not tell you how sick it made me to kiss him goodbye in the morning. And I can not even begin to explain to you the amount of hate I felt when I got on his computer the second he walked out the door, found him on myspace and discovered that a SARAH had writen on his PUBLIC wall:

“I miss your penis. Come back soon.”

That is exactly what she wrote. I wish I could erase those words from my mind, but I don’t think I will ever be able to. She lived in Newport Beach. He wasn’t just cheating on me. He had a whole other GIRLFRIEND.

I called Mac, we went to lunch, and we planned my escape. I waited until he got home and I told him that I was leaving. I didn’t mention anything about anything. I just said that I couldn’t trust him and that I was leaving. And I did.

Again, I wish that was the end of the story.

I cried for a day or so. It was totally devastating, even though I knew that it was the right thing and even though I was already planning to do it BEFORE the penis missing Sarah. And if you’ll remember from the HurtLocker story (cheat number 2), I said that the best thing Hurt ever did for me was to just let me go. He never tried to explain. He never went after me. And that is a blessing. I’ll always be grateful to him for that, even though it tore me up at the time. Because that is something that Ship refused to do. He begged me to come back. He refused to leave when I came to pick up my stuff. And ultimately, he got the chance to ‘explain’ himself. I had to come back. All my stuff was there. I had to move out, and he knew that. So he just waited. And finally he got his moment. And he somehow managed to get a hold of me again, and he made me believe the completely ridiculous story that Sarah was yet another crazy ex who was just trying to cause him trouble. He had an excuse for everything. Everything. And I decided to believe him…

He was desperate to get me back, but I felt like I just couldn’t jump back in. Obviously. A few nights later, I was at a party and he was out with his friends and he called me and asked me to come home. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea and so we got into a fight and I ended up crying. I was drunk so I asked my sister if she would take me up to his house so that I could get the rest of my clothes out. I was done at that point. I had had it. He was trying to win me back and it was clear that nothing was ever going to change. I was through.

So D’Monk drove me to his house at about midnight. I knew he was gone because I had just talked to him at the bar. I had never known Ship to come home before last call so I figured we had some time. I was wrong.

I was in the garage, getting my clothes out of the dryer, when I heard my sister talking to someone at the front door. It was muffled and I couldn’t hear what was said, but I flew out of the garage to confront Ship.

I am not kidding you, as I opened the door and came into the kitchen, I saw Ship pushing a girl out the back door and onto the back deck. I was totally floored. Had he brought a girl home? Had he called me and asked ME to come home and when I refused, brought someone else home?? No. Couldn’t be.

I walked to the front door and asked my sister if that was Ship. SHe nodded. She looked totally freaked out. I asked her if he had a girl with him. SHe nodded again. I sighed. I just sighed. And I think I laughed. I was just dumbfounded. I couldnt’ believe it. After everything…

I went to his room, picked up the rest of my stuff and walked out the front door and got in my sister’s car. And just as she was about to pull away, I changed my mind. He couldn’t get away with this. And so I did what every other girl would do…

I became the girl that Ship would tell his one night stand was his ‘crazy ex girlfriend’.

Ship met me at the front door and led me out into the street. He started walking away from me down the street but I wasn’t going to let him get away. He kept saying “baby… just come here.” Can you believe that? And of course I said every cliché in the book.

“You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“No one will ever love you like I did.”

“You are no better than HurtLocker…”

“Turn around and say goodbye to me!”

All the good lines. And I kept it together… or so I thought. When I got to the bottom of his street I realized that my entire face was wet with tears… but I didn’t even feel them anymore. I don’t think I even let him speak at all. I got back in my sister’s car and I completely broke down. I think D’Monk even started crying. I don’t know that anyone has ever seen me that upset. And to be honest, I think I was crying for Hurt and for Ship all at once. I was feeling the tear of both of them… the first tear I wouldn’t allow myself to feel and so this time… it was so much worse. I really thought I would never be able to trust ever again. D’Monk took me straight to Mac’s house. It was almost 4am.

Even after all of that, the saga of SinkinShip and MWC did not end there. He showed up at my house. He called in the middle of the night. He emailed. He wouldn’t give up… and my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. I kept slipping up. I would go back, for a day or an hour, but it always ended up the same way. He really never changed. And I just couldn’t stop listening to the excuses. I just couldn’t tear myself away. So I decided that I had to move away. I guess you could say that I decided it was time to RUN away.

I remember telling Mac that in my car when we were leaving the gym one day. I told her that I was going to have to move home and she broke down crying. She told me that she didn’t think that it was the right thing to do. She said that of course she didn’t want me to go for selfish reasons, but she really felt like it was a mistake to run away. She was right. I moved in with her and I lived on her couch for almost a year. And that is where I met Raps too. And with the help and support of my amazing friends, I was able to stop answering the phone when he called. And now that he didn’t know where I lived, I was able to avoid him. He was almost out of my life…

I was at my favorite club in PB. It had been months since the last time I answered Ship. He still texted me sometimes, but I had stopped answering. I was standing at the bar, about to order a drink when I saw him. He was standing at the opposite side of the circular bar and he had already seen me. He was staring at me and he has this shit eating grin on his face like I was some long-lost friend or something. I broke eye contact and walked away. I felt my phone buz in my pocket:

“You too chicken to talk to me?”

I ignored it.

But as we were about to leave, I saw him coming at me out of the corner of my eye. There were crowds of people between us and I could see that his girlfriend, SARAH, was standing in front of him yelling at him. But he was looking right over her head at me. And just as I passed, he reached over her, through the crowd and he grabbed my arm. He yelled:

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

I answered:

“Because I don’t like you.”

It just came out of my mouth, but in hindsight, it was a pretty perfect thing to say. I pulled my arm out of his grip and glanced back just long enough to see his girlfriend become enraged. And I felt this huge weight life off my shoulders. I thought to myself, ‘that’s not me anymore’. I don’t have to be his girlfriend anymore. I’m done.

And I went home and I cried. I cried because I was disappointed in myself. I cried because I was embarrassed. And I cried because it was finally over. I was really done. And I was.

I saw him one more time to say goodbye. And it was a real goodbye. We both said our piece and then we went our separate ways. Gotta love closure.

I made a decision after that night at the bar. I realized that even though he was clearly the one doing all the wrong in the relationship, I was the one who not only picked him to be in my life, but allowed him to stay as long as he did. What a waste. Never again. That is what I decided. Never again. Not even if I ended up alone forever. I was never going to let my heart make any decisions. I was not going to talk to anyone with a tattoo. I was not going to even TALK to anyone not worth the time it took to say hello. I just wasn’t. I couldn’t afford it. Between all my failed relationships, I had wasted YEARS of my life. But like I said at the beginning of this blog… hours ago… I was not going to regret a minute of it. Even then, even when it was breaking my heart, I still knew that Ship was going to be THE reason for the rest of my life turning  out well. I knew that if I had never met him, I would have never had such an amazing wake up call. I just wouldn’t have become the person I am now. And for that, I have to thank him.

Absolutely everything happens for a reason.

The next boy I dated…

…was Burny.

And the last time I talked to Ship was when he saw my wedding pictures on facebook. He said I looked beautiful. I did. And I didn’t need him to tell me that. I already knew.