Top 13 break up songs…

… In no particular order!

I did a LOT of driving over the past weekend and of course that equals a lot of music!! And then of course music makes you think of memories, and unfortunately I’ve had my fair share of break ups, which equals lots of songs that remind me of break ups… and basically long story short is: I know the best break up songs of all times. And since I have no more use for them as I have subscribed to the union of marriage for life… I felt that I should share them with you all in hopes that they bring you the same clarity that they have brought to me in the past!

Again, these are in no particular order… with the exception of the final song. The final song is THE BEST BREAK UP SONG OF ALL TIME! It applies to any and all break ups. It doesn’t matter if you are the one doing the breaking or being broken. It still applies. It’s magical in that way. So if all else fails… that song should be your fail safe.

SONG NUMBER 1:

This song so perfectly captures the day after a terrible break up. You’re half angry and half devastated and completely lost. I remember listening to this song and feeling better knowing that someone else had not only gone through it… but survived it.

“The Brilliant Dance”- Dashboard Confessional

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover’s clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn’t make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking’s just too much to ask
and you’re measuring your minutes by a clock that’s blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you’d like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren’t we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

SONG NUMBER 2:

God, this song sucks to even think about.  When I broke up with Sinkin’Ship after realizing that he did, in fact, have another girlfriend… it still took me a while to completely break myself away from him. I ‘relapsed’ as I call it a few times before I could stop myself. By that I mean I wanted to hate him… I wanted to forget him. I wanted HIM to KNOW that I was over it. But I just couldn’t. I just wasn’t. And I slept with him even after I knew what he had done. I still believed the lies. I wanted to. And it was maddening. I was so mad at myself. I was so angry for not being stronger. Somehow he just kept me on the hook! This song is so perfect for that…

“Bike Scene”- Taking Back Sunday

I’ll leave the lights down low
so she knows I mean business
And maybe we could talk this over
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst…

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can’t (but I can’t) stop this
anymore than you can

So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don’t mean anything
And you know very well
that I can’t keep my hands to myself,
hands to myself

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can’t (but I can’t) stop this
anymore than you can

This is all wrong and it shows
There’s certain things I promised not to let you know,
(You’ve got a silly way of keeping me up on the edge of my seat,
You’ve got a silly way of keeping me up on the…)
not to let you know
I never, never…

You’ve got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat
But you’re only counting the clock against the train
And I’m miserable, oh
(You’ve got a silly way of keeping me up on the edge of my seat,
You’ve got a silly way of keeping me up on the…)
And you’re just getting started
I’m miserable, oh

You’ve got me right where you want me
(let’s never talk) Let’s never talk, let’s never,
let’s never talk about this again because…
I didn’t want it to mean that much to me
I didn’t want it to mean that much to me
I didn’t want it to mean that much to me
I didn’t want it to mean that much to me

Anyway… yeah

SONG NUMBER 3:

The first time I heard this song was post Sinkin’Ship. I had finally ripped myself away from him completely. Time had passed. The wounds didn’t feel so fresh. But I still knew that the only thing that would make the pain go away entirely was if he would just take me back. Not just take me back, but GO BACK to the way it was before all the non-sense. I loved him. I loved him and we were happy, weren’t we? It all gets so foggy after the dust settles. The pain seems far away and the good stuff seems worth revisiting… even though you know it’s not. Even though the good stuff was never that great. And when you’re standing there and the only thing that will make you feel better is him… and you know that’s not the right thing… this is the song for you.
“Rescued”- Jack’s Manneguin

Two to one
Static to the sound of you and I
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your
Swimming pool some September
And don’t you think
I wish that I could stay
Your lips gave you away

I can hear it, the jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I’m thinking I’d
Prefer not to be rescued

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I’m following myself just this once
And I got spun
It appears you’re spun as well
It happens when you’re paying attention
This could take all year, but

When it’s quiet, does she hear me?
Jettisoned to the center of the storm
And I’m thinking I
Prefer not to be rescued
Oh, I can feel her, she’s dying
Just to keep me cool
I’m finally numb, so please
Don’t get me rescued… rescued…

And it’s unclear
But this may be my last song
Oh, I, I can tell
She’s raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don’t get me rescued
Oh, say you’ll miss me one last time
I’ll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don’t get me rescued…

‘Cause I’m feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please
Don’t get me rescued…

SONG NUMBER 4:

 

I came across this song when I was studying at Oxford. My relationship with Sinkin’Ship was taking a major hit due to the distance but I was also realizing how much he and I were just growing apart. I was growing out of the relationship and I knew that he was blaming me. And of course, I was blaming him. And try as we might, we just couldn’t seem to get it right. I like that there is a hint of annoyance and anger in this as well. It’s almost sarcastic. So often we find ourselves feeling bitter at the end of a relationship, like it was pointless; a waste of time. Like it meant nothing.
“Absolutely Zero”- Jason Mraz

You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I’m too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life.
I’m sorry for wasting your time.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? When it’s my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn’t know that it would happen to be… Not that easy.

Hey what’s that you say? You’re not blaming me for anything well that’s great
But I don’t break that easy. Does it fade away?
So that’s why I’m, I’m apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don’t get enough to believe that we’ve both changed.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? It’s my time to make the most of it
Of course I didn’t know that it would happen to be… Not that easy.
If all along the fault is up for grabs why can’t you have it
If it’s for sale what is your offer, I’ll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it’s not an easy thing to learn to play a game that’s made for two that’s you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? It’s our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
When all along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
If it’s for sale what is your offer, I’ll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

SONG NUMBER 5:

In the case of this song, for me, ‘Anna’ is HurtLocker. He started as my friend. A friend that I went on a date with. I went into that relationship with my eyes wide open. I knew exactly what to expect. It wasn’t going to be serious. It was going to be casual. He made it something else. He said I love you. He made us exclusive and he made us serious. And then, before I knew what had happened, I was in love. I had fallen for him against my will and without even realizing it. I had tried to keep my head on straight but it just didn’t end up that way. And after all that time of looking at the relationship with my eyes open… I realized that it had all been a dream. My eyes were shut the whole time. I didn’t see it coming at all. And then… he was gone. Just like that. He changed his mind.
“Anna Begins”- Counting Crows

My friend assures me “it’s all or nothing”
I am not worried- I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me ” for one time only,
make an exception.” I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried – I am not overly concerned
with the status of my emotions
“oh”, She says, “you’re changing.”
But were always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn’t love
Because if you don’t want to talk about it then it isn’t love
and I guess I’m going to have to live with that
but, I’m sure there’s something in a shade of gray
or something in between
and I can always change my name if that’s what you mean
My friend assures me “it’s all or nothing`
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell your self the things you try to tell your self to make
yourself forget
to make your self forget
I am not worried
“If it’s love” she said, “then were gonna have to think about the
consequences”
She can’t stop shaking and I can t stop touching her and…..
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
“these seconds when I’m shaking leave me shuddering
for days” she says.
And I’m not ready for this sort of thing
But I’m not gonna break
And I’m not going to worry about it anymore
I’m not gonna bend. And I’m not gonna break and
I’m not gonna worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say “as long as this is love…”
But it’s not all that easy so maybe I should just
snap her up in a butterfly net-
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I’ve done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don’t get no sleep in a quiet room and…
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it’s love
and oh lord…. I’m not ready for this sort of thing
She s talking in her sleep-it s keeping me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
oh lord. I’m not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It’s moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It s chasing me away.
She disappears, and oh lord I’m not ready for this sort of thing.

SONG NUMBER 6:

This song is the feeling you get when you’re fresh out of a break up. You just feel devastated like you’re a failure. You feel like you did all you could and it didn’t matter. It sucks. “When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?” Killer!

“Fix You”- Cold Play

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

SONG NUMBER 7:

I love the imagery in this song. The idea that he/she has just moved out. The world is still happening and you’re just lost. The first line of the song: “Where are we? What the hell is going on?” Isn’t that just how you feel when your relationship ends? ‘Crop circles on the carpet’… I remember when I left Sinkin’Ship… my furniture left marks in his bedroom floor… “Oily marks appear on walls”… where the pictures have been taken down. It just strikes me as so sad. So empty. And yet the song is beautiful. It’s poetic.

“Hide And Seek”- Imogen Heap

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can’t be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won’t catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s all for the best? Because it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you.
You don’t care a bit. You don’t care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you.
You don’t care a bit. You don’t care a bit.

You don’t care a bit.
You don’t care a bit.
You don’t care a bit.
You don’t care a bit.
You don’t care a bit.

SONG NUMBER 8:

This song helped carry me out of my break up with HurtLocker. I was so mad. He didn’t even try to get me back. In a lot of ways I think this was the kindest thing that he ever did. But I just broke it off and walked away and he didn’t come after me. He didn’t even try to explain. Not that I would have taken him back, but it would have been nice to know that he cared; that he missed what he had lost. I just felt like I meant nothing. Like there was nothing I could do to get him to notice me. He was just over it. We didn’t even get to have a fight. “And I can still be ruthless if you’d let me”. But at the same time… to this day… I feel like he will never forget me. I will always be that one, ya know…And that’s his torture. “The rising tide will not let you forget me.”

“Ruthless”- Something Corporate

This is the only lonely picture
Waiting on my floor littering my shore
This is the last true burning letter
Given to a girl
Written by a boy
Living in a world
Created to destroy

But if I built you a city
Would you let me?
Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now what I should have known then
And I could still be ruthless if you let me
But there you go when I’m not done
You’re waving goodbye well at least you’re having fun
The rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me

This is your ghost that kneels before me
Razors on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
It won’t be the last time she’ll ignore me
Thinning in my skin
Without the strength, to go
Winter setting in
To cover you in snow

But if I built you a city, would you let me in?
Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now what I should have known then
And I could still be ruthless if you let me
But there you go when I’m not done
You’re waving goodbye well at least you’re having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me
forget me
forget me, yeah

I’ll raise towers and climb them
Rivers and walk them
Oceans to drown in
you won’t make a sound in

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now what I should have known then
And I could still be ruthless if you let me
But there you go when I’m not done
You’re waving goodbye well at least you’re having fun
The rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me

SONG NUMBER 9:

If you’ve never seen the movie “Once”, watch it. It’s fantastic. Especially if you are a music lover. And this song is from the soundtrack. It reminds me of that moment when whoever it is ends the relationship for one of the cheap clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I just need time… space.” When you’re so upset because you just feel cheated. It’s bullshit and you know it. You’re angry but you’re trying to be understanding. It’s full of emotion when you listen to the song so make sure you do that!

“Leave”- Glen Hansard (Once Soundtrack)

I can’t wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won’t disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I’m glad that you’ve come
Now if you don’t mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don’t understand, you’ve already gone

I hope you feel better
Now that it’s out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling outta your mouth
Well now that it’s come
If you don’t mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave…

SONG NUMBER 10:

 This is that terrible moment when you know you can’t move forward but you don’t want to break up either. You’re stuck. You might already be in love, the other person might not be so sure. Maybe the other person isn’t ready to commit, or you’re not. Something is lacking and despite all the talking, you stand divided. “This is where you are, and this is where I am.” It’s like you just can’t come together. You’re somewhere between unsure if you should be there at all, and 100% sure that you should be. It’s maddening.
“Hundred”- The Frey

The how I can’t recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst
The broad daylight

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess
I’m banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who’s to say its wrong
And who’s to say that it’s not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where ive been
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

SONG NUMBER 11:

This song goes back to JayHans. First love. When it’s over, and you’re looking back at what was and what might have been, it seems so perfect. You can’t remember at all why it ended. There are so many memories. So many great times and you know that it was good. You remember the point where you decided whether you should stay or leave and ultimately you left. But why? “Stay or leave. I want you not to go, but you did.” And you start to question if you did everything that you could. Would it have worked if you would have just tried again. And by the end of the thought, you’re convinced you’ve made the wrong decision. If I had a quarter for every time I did this with JayHans… I’d be rich.

“Stay or Leave”- Dave Matthews Band

Maybe different but remember winters warm there you and I.
Kissing whiskey by the fire with the snow outside.
And when the summer comes
In the river swim at midnight (shiver, cold) touch the bottom
(stars are bright) with muddy toes

Stay or leave–I want you not to go,
But you should.
It was good, as good goes.
Stay or leave–I want you not to go.
But you did.

Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us.
It was good, good love.
And you used to laugh under the covers,
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you was loud and hard.

Stay or leave—I want you not to go,
But you should.
It was good, as good goes.
Stay or leave—I want you not to go.
But you did.

So what to do with the rest of the days’ afternoon haze?
Well isn’t it strange how it changes everything we did?
Did I do all that I should—that I could have done?

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me? I want to be too.
What day is this, besides the day you left me?
What day is this, besides the day you went?
So what to do with the rest of the days’ afternoon haze?
Well isn’t it strange how it changes everything we did?
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me? I want to be too.
What day is this, besides the day you left me?
What day is this?

 

SONG NUMBER 12:

  

It’s amazing how when you find yourself fresh out of a relationship… the world keeps spinning. It’s somehow shocking to you that the world hasn’t ended. It feels like it’s ended, and yet, everything else seems normal. It’s such an internal contrast. One of my favorite lines in any theatrical play is from Harper in ‘Angels in America’. She says: When your heart breaks, you should die. So true.

  

“Without You”- Rent Soundtrack

 

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.
Without you.

 

SONG NUBMER 13:

 

No explanation needed.

 

“Konstantine”

I can’t imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don’t understand
All the things you’ve seen
But I’m slipping in between
You and your big… dreams
It’s always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it’s over
But I can’t stand here in a patch of four-leaf clover
And your restless
And I’m naked
You’ve got to get out
You can’t stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn’t think so

And you don’t want to be here in the future
So you say
The present’s just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don’t want to look much closer
‘Cause you’re afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had… crashed
And it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you’re alone, no
And I’m sleeping in your living room
But we don’t have much room
To live

And I had dreams that I would learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you’re so young
But I don’t think I care
And if I hurt you then I’m sorry
Please don’t think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
‘Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I’m dreaming in your living room
But we don’t have much room
To live

Konstantine came walking down the stairs
Doesn’t she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I’ve been thinking, and I’ve thinking, no
But she’s been drinking
And it doesn’t get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And I was thinking, what I was thinking ya know
We’ve been drinking and it doesn’t get me anywhere

This is because I can spell confusion with a K
and I like it
It’s to dying in another’s arms
And why I had to try it
It’s to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I’m alone, and I don’t see those stars
I’m not your star?
Isn’t that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it’s 11:11
And now you want to talk
It’s not hard to dream
You’ll always be my Konstantine

They’ll never hurt you like I do
No, They’ll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these pretty things she did
Hey Baby, You know that you keep me up in bed
It’s to a girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

God, I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we’ll go to sleep but this time not alone, no no,
And you’ll kiss me in your living room, oh
And you see, no, that I’ve been missing in my Living room
Cause this is what I miss, what I miss
We don’t have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

My Konstantine

Old, old wooden ship

So it’s official.

I’m old.

I knew 27 was going to be borderline… I mean, I’m now in my late twenties. It’s funny how that works. 20-23, you are in your early twenties. 24-26 are mid and then starting with 27… you’re in your late twenties. There is no MID about 27. I mean, we might as well just round-up and call ourselves pre-thirty.

To be honest, although I joke that I’m getting old, I hadn’t really given it TOO much thought until the world started throwing it in my face! All of the sudden it’s as if the world is telling me to run inside and get a face lift! I mean, lately I’m hung over no matter what I do. I get tired before 2am. I find myself in pj’s on Saturday nights. I hardly make any reckless decisions… it’s just like “ok world… I see what you’re trying to say!”

But before I go into that, I have to say that there is one un-ignorable ‘clock’ that has been ticking away, louder and louder each year, since about age 24, but I am hoping to quite that down here soon enough. And yet something tells me, even when I do become a mother… I’m not going to feel any younger.

But regardless…

The first time I knew I was officially getting old was back in Texas. I kind of talked about this in my Sept. 11th blog but it bares repeating. When Burny was in tech school in San Angelo, you can imagine that it was flooded with 18-year-old kids, fresh out of high school. Burny and I were in our mid twenties still at that point, so we were the old kids on the block. I mean, it was really a struggle to think of what to do with people who couldn’t go to bars. What did I used to do? I couldn’t think of a single thing!

It was during a conversation with these underage kids that I realized, they were in 6th grade when Sept. 11th happened. They could hardly remember it! I was in college. If that doesn’t make you feel like you are in a whole different generation, I don’t know what will.

A while after we moved home from Texas, I performed in the musical: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I was actually asked to join the chorus after casting because they were short on voices so when I went to the first reading, I was painfully aware of that fact that I was going to fall into a weird age bracket.

There were the 15-year-old, high school kids playing Tom Sawyer, and his friends. There were the adults in their 50’s cast to play the parents of said kids… and then there was me. The twenty something who didn’t fit in either group. Too old to be a kid… to young to be old.

I sat down next to a girl who seemed to have found herself in the same predicament. She was quietly sitting on her own and she looked to be about my same age. I was relieved to see that I wouldn’t be the only one feeling out of place.

As we began to read through the script, I struck up a bit of a whispered conversation between myself and the twenty something next to me. We were both chorus so we didn’t have any lines. We were just there for looks basically.

About half way through the reading I realized that the story line in the play was strikingly similar to the movie plot of the 1990’s film: Tom and Huck.

I leaned over to share my findings with my new, twenty something friend. I said, “This play is exactly like the movie ‘Tom and Huck’.”

“What movie?” she asked.

Clearly she just hadn’t heard me. ‘Tom and Huck’ was a pretty well-known movie when I was in jr. high school. Namely because of its leading actor: Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I leaned back into her and said, “‘Tom and Huck’ with JTT!”

And then she said something that just BRANDED my age so plainly across my forehead that I could feel the burn…

“Who is JTT?”

Say WHAT?

Who is JTT??? Come on! I mean, how do you describe who JTT is without a BOP magazine for evidence. I have to admit that it did occur to me at that point that BOP magazine likely no longer existed, and that didn’t help my cause much.

I said his full name to her in one final hope for recognition but it was clear to me. She wasn’t my age at all. There was just no possible way.

“He was in Home Improvement,” I tried…

Still nothing. Not one ounce of recognition in her face. Not even for ‘Tim the Tool Man Taylor.’

Finally, after a few minutes of consideration she came back and slapped me in the face again…

“I think I’ve seen re-runs of that show. Which one is JTT?”

I just left it alone. I couldn’t explain it. There was no point. I asked her age. 17. Sigh. She looked so mature…

The final blow came just the other night. I mean, there have been several ‘you’re getting old’ moments in my life since turning 25, but this one the other night really sealed the deal. I believe it’s official now and I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I’m 27 now, obviously. I went to a Halloween party on Friday dressed as a Red Headed Slut. Burny went as Mike’s Hard Lemonade:

I have to tell you that when discussing costumes with my 23-year-old friend she said: “I’m too old to be slutty for Halloween.”

Hmm… perhaps I should have reconsidered my costume at that point, but instead I decided that I looked dang good! Not just for 27 but for any age! I was going to celebrate that! I was going to be slutty! I was going to wear my boots and show cleavage and I was going to rock it out! And that is just what I did.

So, once at the party I quickly realized that married couples must not regularly go out. Everyone was asking me if Burny was my boyfriend…

“You could say that.”

We’ve been married for 2 1/2 years… it’s just not something I’ve been asked in a while. And then the real kicker happened…

I was talking with this girl about make up. I had never met her before and I guessed (correctly this time) that she was probably in her early twenties. She mentioned college and I said something back about ‘when I was in college’ and then she looked at me very strangely…

“How old are you?” She asked appalled. I mean, it wasn’t like she was a young guy I was trying to deceive into thinking I was some hot young thing… it was a girl and we were talking about make up. I wasn’t aware I should have said my age before sitting down.

“I’m 27… can I still sit and chat??”

“Seat’s taken!”

So I answered her: “I’m 27.”

Her eyes widened, she tossed her head back in surprise (and a little bit of disgust I have to admit… like she could catch the late twenties) and she said:

“Wow… you look great! What do you use?”

Really?

I mean… really??

First of all… how old am I supposed to look by now?

What product do I use?

I was really thrown by that one. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I should have given her the card of my plastic surgeon. It was the weirdest comment. And I can’t say that it felt good… Even though she really meant it as a complement, and I’m glad that I don’t look like I am really the ripe old age of pre-thirty, but still… the idea that I was old enough to have to use product to look this good… it hurt.

Perhaps I am too old to be slutty for Halloween.

Perhaps I’m too old to be going to parties…

But maybe… perhaps not too.

And by the way… if you’re wondering… I use Arbonne of course!

“It’s time to go home”

It’s WoopsieDaisey Wednesday!

I always have trouble thinking up a tale for these days, even though I’ve had so many ‘Woops’ moments in my life… however, today it just came to me. In my most recent blog, about SinkinShip, I referenced a particularly crazy night and I feel that it most definitely falls under the Wednesday category and therefore, should be completed today.

As is the case with a lot of these stories… please keep in mind that my memory has been blurred by that devil alcohol. So try to keep up.

So the day I am referring to is the day/night of my college graduation. My high school graduation has many a fun story attached to it as well, but again, that must be saved for yet another of the never-ending blogs.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was dating Ship at the time of my college culmination. This was more or less, right smack dab in the middle of that relationship, and if you will recall, I was pretty much desperate for his attention and affection by that point. So just throw that in the back of your mind and keep it there.

The day started out like any other busy, important day of one’s life. I woke up early at Ship’s house. My family was in town, as well as my ex boyfriend, LemonBass, and so there was literally no room at my house for me. I’m sure that that is the only reason Ship agreed to having me over to his house in the first place, but that is neither here nor there. We woke up to a call from Ship’s superior on the Naval base. Apparently, Ship was supposed to be on base that day but had filed his paperwork either incorrectly or too late because there was definitely a communication error. He yelled, they yelled, and basically he decided that he was right no matter what they said, and he wasn’t going to go in, regardless. This was great news to me, because it meant that he was ‘choosing’ me over work, but even still… I would never have talked to my boss the way Ship spoke to his. And, well, because he was in the mood to yell, he decided to bring up AGAIN the fact that my ex boyfriend was in town to come to my graduation. I said it had been an argument between the two of us, but I didn’t mention that it went on and on. So after getting the brunt of his anger on that subject, I decided that the day was off to a great start.

I got up, got dressed and headed home. The original plan was for me to get ready in time to go see one of Ship’s MMA fights down in Pacific Beach. I’m not sure if I mentioned that in the previous blog… he was a Mixed Marshall Arts fighter… doesn’t that just add to his douche bagery? Anyway… so of course I started out the day stressed out, on a timeline, and nervous. It ended up, with all the showers of all the people in my house, that there was absolutely no way that I was going to be able to make it to his fight. This worried me very much. I really, honestly thought that if I didn’t go to this one fight, there was no way in hell he was going to show up for my college graduation. As if the two are even comparable. So I begrudgingly gave him the news that I was just running too late to make it to his fight. He didn’t even answer me back.

Side note: The cap and gown… totally not flattering. It doesn’t matter how big or little or tall or short or cute or whatever you are… it just doesn’t look good. And how the hell are you supposed to wear those hats anyway?? Hell if I know. I mean, I really struggled. This was supposed to be a day that would be photographed and looked at for years to come, and I couldn’t figure out one suitable way to wear that damn hat so that my hair didn’t look hideous.

Alas, I opted for the curly hair, down, and the hat pinned back on the skull of my head. Still not cute, but at least it didn’t smoosh my bangs.

So I headed, with my beloved roommates DMo and KayTown, my mom, he-who-must-not-be-named (Step dad), Lemon, D’Monk and my cuz to graduation. No sign of Ship.

We got to COX Arena on the SDSU campus about an hour before the ceremony, and there were quite literally 100 million people there. I think that was the official count. And it was right around 100,000 degrees as well. Again… what’s with the heat retaining, black bag that they call a gown?? So hot! Kay and I, and the rest of the graduation crew headed down to where our major was gathering, while the rest of my family- sans my noticeably absent boyfriend- headed to their seats.

The actual graduation ceremony at COX Arena was very impersonal. There were hundreds of us crowded onto the floor, where the basketball floor would normally be, and hundreds more ‘fans’- so to speak- in the stands. Out of all of those hundreds of people… no Ship.

We heard from speaker after speaker, all off which had a similar message: Shit gets real, starting now. And then we each stood up, as a major, and switched our tassels from one side to the next. We went through the motions, we followed protocol. The guy sitting two seats down from me was so moved, he fell asleep. It was magical. And all through the 20 hour long ceremony, Ship did not make an appearance.

However, the real ceremony, the one that mattered to me, was the one that followed the giant, impersonal one. It was JUST for MY major, which of course, was theatre. So after we were released from COX arena, and after I found my family and friends in the masses, we made our way across campus towards the second ceremony. Maybe Ship would show for this one? In truth, it was the only one that counts in my heart… even now.

And sure enough… there he was. He showed! I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be SURPRISED when your boyfriend shows up for your graduation, but I really was. Kay and I had to go into a special room before the ceremony began, so that we could all make a breath-taking entrance as one graduating unit. And as soon as I walked into the room, I did what every other girl does on any special day in her life… I looked for my Mommy. And there he was, sitting right next to her. He was standing and cheering and grinning, ear to ear. I was in heaven.

So this ceremony, unlike the first, was totally moving. DMo, and three other great friends of mine sang ‘For Good’ from Wicked, which if you’ve never heard it… is the PERFECT song for a graduation.

It was so beautiful that I ugly face cried.

Another good friend of mine was class speaker and her speech was very pointed. It was totally different than any of the first speeches at COX because these were MY friends. They were people I had gone to class with. They were MY teachers. These lessons were really MINE to take. It was really a great ceremony and I’m very sad to report that due to the economy, these separate major ceremonies no longer go on. I think that cheats the grads out of a very memorable experience. I remember looking over at KayTown and laughing at the inside jokes. Jokes that were ours. And I cherish the fact that our house, the party house, was brought up more than once by the speakers. It felt very personal and real… like we were really moving away from something, reminiscing. I’ll never forget it.

But either way, after this second, magical ceremony, I again reunited with my family and friends. I was given a sash to hand to the person who had most influenced my life during my college years and I gave it to my mother. We cried some more. At that point I was really wondering why I even bothered to spend any time on my hair. My face was a giant, sloppy mess.

After pictures…

… we headed to dinner at one of my favorite Mexican food places in Old Town San Diego. What better place to celebrate? When we got there, Kay’s dad pointed out the sign leading into the restaurant which announced mine and Kay’s names and congratulated us on our success. I thought that was very special and I just love to feel special.

The only down side about celebrating anything at a Mexican restaurant is the margaritas. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love myself some margs but when they come in pitchers… well, that’s where things get messy. And so we began. We took shots, we had mixed drinks, and we had many a pitcher of margs. Needless to say, by the time Kay and I left the place, we were more than special… we were ‘special’. It was scary.

First stop: Home. Or so I think. We had large plans to go out on the town, but for some reason I remember heading home first. Perhaps there needed to be some dropping off of things. Perhaps some changing. Again, I asked you to bear with me on this so I hope you are. In any respect, at some point in the evening we were at my house. The house where Kay and I both lived, and the house where everyone who was anyone was staying. And by that point, the emotion of the whole event was hitting me. We were done with college. We were all moving on. A lot of us were moving AWAY. Kay was nearly packed and she wasn’t just moving out… she was moving to NEW YORK! I am talking about the soul mate who had lived just across the hall from me for 4 years!! (Figuratively). It was very difficult. And we hadn’t really allowed ourselves to talk or even think about it. But the time had come for no more time. I hate it when that happens. Kay and I were closing a chapter. And all of a sudden, drunk as all get out, it hit me. And what did I do? I broke down crying, climbed into my mother’s lap and insisted on her rocking, and singing to me.

I’m not crazy.

I just reverted back to my childhood years. This is exactly what she needed to do for me when I was upset as a child. And apparently, it still worked. I felt much better afterwards. Ship, however, might have been thinking twice. Too bad he had no room to talk because I’d seen him far more intoxicated than needing to be rocked by his mother.

So after I was settled down, and keep in mind it is possible that this portion of the story did in fact take place prior to us coming home, we went down the street to a little bar called Bourbon Street. If you’ve never been there, let me just say… it’s a gay bar. It’s not just a gay bar, but it’s a gay bar that shows gay porn on all the tvs. Now, of course this didn’t bother Kay or I, or even my mom or sister for that matter, but my step dad, cousin, ex and Ship… they felt somewhat out of place. Ship felt even more awkward when I handed him my purse to hold onto.

Why did we choose this place? Can’t be sure. I know that I had gone there on my 21st birthday and had a blast. I never had to deal with getting hit on but at the same time, men still bought me drinks. And, quite frankly, I love myself some gays. I think it was just one of those things.

So at the bar, as I mentioned, men were just lining up to buy the two grads some shots. And of course I felt it necessary to accept. I had just graduated from SDSU- one of the largest party schools in the country! How could I turn down a free shot? I only remember taking one, a blow job shot of course, but I’m sure I took many. The thing I do remember best about that place was this: As soon as I finished my shot, I reached over with shot glass, and dropped it right on the floor as if I were placing it gently on the counter. Nope. No counter… just a long drop to the floor. So it shattered of course and no one was more surprised than me.

At that point I decided that I had to use the restroom, and as is the case with most drunk girls, I didn’t decide that early enough to hold it while I waited in a line. And what a line there was. At a gay bar, they don’t actually see the need to have a girls restroom other than the law, and so the line was absolutely astronomical for the one stall. And I just could not wait. I asked my friend, a gay man of course, for assistance and he opened up the empty boys room and said,

“Not like anyone cares in here.”

So true.

In most mens room- and not to insinuate that I’ve been in many- there are a few urinals and generally only one stall. I don’t understand this. If anything, men are much more likely to crap in a public place than women are, and yet they only get one option. And of course!! A guy had to be taking a poop just as I was in desperate need of a stall!! SO again… what did I do? I did what I think anyone else would do in my situation… I popped a squat over the urinal. Luckily for me, it was one of those floor ones. And my good friend helped hold me up so my bum didn’t touch the porcelain.

It was yet another ‘bet you haven’t done that’ moment that I can add to my long list of moments.

We might have been there an hour, it might have been 5 minutes, there is no way of knowing. But either way after the urinal, it was time to move to the next place. Truth be told, it was time to get my butt to bed, but no one likes a quitter.

The next stop was Tripple Crown which was also in walking distance of my house. Actually, it was on the way BACK towards my house so at least we were moving in the right direction. And although I was unsure earlier about the order of events, I know for a FACT that this bar was last.

Tripple Crown is a good, solid pub-like bar. It was close to our house so we knew it well, but at the same time, it was always packed with new people. And that night was no exception. The place was jumping. And again, it could have been 1am or maybe it was noon, but it was packed and we were ready to have a good time.

I sat down next to my mother, at the bar that faced out into the street. That was the other cool thing about Tripple Crown. There was a bar that faced out towards the street, and there was a huge sliding door that was open so that we could just reach out and touch the passers by- if we so chose. I always thought that was very cool. And so my mother and I hopped up onto the bar stools that were facing out towards the passing cars. Ship, who was a smoker (strike 100 against him), was standing on the other side of the bar- actually outside on the street- smoking. He was chatting with LemonBass, ironically enough, who he just so happened to really like. Go figure!

We hadn’t been sitting there more than 5 minutes and we hadn’t been in the bar more than 7 when I fate-fully reached for my mom’s Bud Light (aka B minus). I remember this part very clearly. I reached for the beer, which was positioned just out of my reach to the right and directly in front of my mom, when the most outrageous thing happened. I can’t explain it. I was reaching to my right and suddenly, without warning, I fell straight backwards off my bar stool. I was leaning right…….. and fell backwards. Still don’t get it. And don’t worry… I totally blame this trick of gravity for my fall and not my alcohol consumption.

But don’t let me sugarcoat this fall for you.

I fell backwards. Head towards cement. Legs sprawling for the ceiling, still in my graduation dress no less. And I slammed down on the ground. I broke a record-breaking THREE glasses during this epic tumble. One was the beer in my right hand, which had caused the whole fall to begin with. One was the glass in front of me that I had kicked whilst falling. And the third was my cousins. He was less intoxicated than me at that point and so he had seen me start to fall from across the bar. He made it all the way across the room just in time to get his drink knocked out of his hand by my passing arm. I broke that glass by FALLING on it.

Amazingly, I did not have a scratch on me. And also AMAZINGLY, my mother managed to SAVE MY LIFE. She saw me start to go- it must have been in slow motion… or at least that’s how it felt for me- and so she grabbed my two hands at the last minute. She knew there was no saving me. My feet were well over my head by that point. But her intention was simple: Keep my head from slamming into the cement.

And although I did break 3 glasses, one by falling on it, at the last minute my arms extended to the max and my head was saved. I had a wicked case of whiplash the next day, but my brain was intact! Or at least mostly.

Now, this is where I did what most people wouldn’t do. Instead of being embarrassed and mortified… I laughed. I started laughing my ass off! People were encircling me, strangers were picking me up off the ground, my mother was pulling my dress back down over my crotch and I just thought it was the funniest thing to ever happen.

At that point I looked at Ship who was standing directly in front of me, still outside the bar, and I’ll never forget what he said:

“It’s time to go home.”

And so it was…

Once we got home, it was as if nothing embarrassing had happened at all. I was causing quite the drunken scene. I was very insistence upon Ship taking me home and home meant his house. As it stood, my mom and step dad were sleeping in my room, the fold out couch had already been claimed and the only thing left for Ship and I was a blow up mattress in the dinning room. I found that totally unacceptable. But Ship refused to drive me because he had been drinking and he didn’t want to make a bad impression on my mom. (Way to see that through). And so he did everything in his power to keep me laying down on the mattress. And trust me, I was putting up quite the fight. I was yelling at him and I was calling him every name in the book. I kept telling him that he was the worst boyfriend ever, when in fact, this might have been the ONLY night in our entire relationship where he actually was a good boyfriend.

And to top it all off, I went off on my step dad about how much he had been drinking. Apparently, he hadn’t had anything. Nope… just me. Great.

So that is the story of the night I graduated from college. It would appear that the only thing I learned in my four years… was how to party.

Tim

I have to tell you as I start this blog I’m not entirely sure where to begin…

I have been thinking about this for some time now, sure it needed to be said, but not sure how to say it. I intended to write this on Mother’s day… as it would be the three-year anniversary… but I guess I wasn’t really ready yet.

I’m ready now.

This is definitely a ‘Tearin’ up my heart Tuesday’ type post. Be warned. This will be hard to read.

When I met MacTen a million years ago, I knew only a few things about her. She was a freshman in college and I, a junior. She was to play my girlfriend in what would become the most life changing piece of theatre I have ever been a part of. And of course I knew then that we were destined to be best friends. I knew this very quickly about her… it didn’t hurt that we were quickly tossed into this complete emotional upheaval, and would grow to need each other in such a desperate way (as always… another blog), but there was just something truly honest about her. This is slightly ironic because if you ask her, she would tell you that she doesn’t think she is the most honest of people. And that’s not to say she lies. I don’t know if I’ve ever been on the receiving end of a lie from her… but all the same, she can’t always admit the truth. Mostly to herself.

But there was one thing that was true about MacTen…

She had once loved a boy named Tim… In this case, I don’t see it fitting to give Tim a blog name.

When I met MacTen, she had just begun a relationship with a fellow we will call SomethingMoore. She talked about him often, she was obviously very excited about this new relationship, but very early on she compared him to Tim. I didn’t know Tim… I had never met him, and truthfully, at the time I didn’t ask a lot of questions. Freshmen in college often have Tim’s at home. But there was something about this guy… something behind the story. And sure enough, in time, I would come to know what that something was.

When MacTen and I were traveling through the grand continent of Europe, we got to know each other. If you have ever spent two months of every single waking hour with someone (and not always the most pleasant of waking hours), than you know that there is no helping knowing that person at the end of such a journey. And a huge part of MacTen that I got to know over the course of those two months… was Tim.

I had already pieced together a lot of the story before I even asked her any questions. Tim had clearly broken her heart. We were no longer friends with Tim. He was dating a horrid beast now, whom he of course cheated on MacTen with, and we hated both their guts. But all the same… I could just tell that MacTen had only the best of feelings for this Tim, whom she hated. So of course, all this begged the question:

What’s the deal with Tim?

A long three to four year story short, told over the course of several of our nights in hostels is this: MacTen met an older guy named Tim in high school. He more or less joined her family for the term of their relationship. He had a hard family situation, not necessarily close with his mother, and his father was ill for a time. Because of this, he chose to immerse himself in her world. He was absolutely adored by our mutual friend Raps, Mac’s family and everyone else who knew him. He was not a bad guy, as I had originally thought. As a matter of fact, when Mac was telling me about her relationship with Tim, I couldn’t help but forget entirely that it had an unhappy ending. Tim was Mac’s first love, but it was a very intense and real first love. I could tell, having experienced something similar myself, that she still harbored a deep love for him… even as she told me about him years after ending all contact with him.

The relationship took a turn when Tim met the horrid beast, who he ultimately left Mac for. He became distant, and try as she might, Mac simply could not salvage the relationship. He left her. He just up and pulled himself out of her life entirely for this other girl like a drain from a bathtub. And for a year or so after the fact, Mac tried to be what he needed not knowing exactly what that was. And Tim, unfortunately used her, although I could see that it was because he couldn’t figure out how to let her go either. They were attached to each other. Mixed. But of course, as all things do, Tim and Mac finally did end for good. And as she told me this, it had been years since that had happened. No contact. None at all. And it was so sad to hear her talk about that time. It has to be said that Mac is one of the most giving and genuine people I have ever met and I could see the real pain in her at having not been able to fix Tim. Mac and I are the same in that way; we are fixers. And we fail more than we fix, though not due to lack of effort.

I remember feeling a deeper connection to Mac after having heard the entire Tim saga. I remember feeling like I knew or understood her better. And I think it would be the same for Tim, if someone were to hear about his MacTen. And more than anything, I remember feeling sorry and sad for Tim. It seemed like his life had just taken such a terrible turn with this new girl, and I remember thinking that he had just been swept away. I even remembered certain times when Raps would bring up his name in such a way that made it sound like she really missed him and cared for him as a friend, and although I had never met him, after hearing it all, I felt the same way.

I bring all this up because it is crucial to the story. Tim was such a building block in the foundation that was my best friend. And his named carried so much weight. Just the mention of him begged no more questions, just emotion. I know it sounds dramatic, but that was the way it was. Tread lightly with that heavy topic.

For example, after returning home from Europe armed with all the information, I remember a night when Mac said to Raps and I:

Tim is engaged.

We knew to who. We knew what that meant. We knew how that broken a part of her. There was no need for any questions. Drinks, yes. But no questions.

A time later:

‘She’ broke off the engagement.

We knew who ‘she’ was. We knew what that meant. Raps and I now had MANY questions, but they couldn’t be asked. As I mentioned before, Mac wasn’t always honest with herself, and she wouldn’t have answered our questions honestly. Keep in mind, she had now been dating SomethingMoore for a few years. Throwing Tim back into the mix… Raps and I could only imagine what that would mean.

And then one day, quite literally out of the blue, I got a call from Mac. She was in quite a state and it was a very brief conversation but she said that Tim had called her. I remember hanging up and thinking: Oh my God. What does this mean? Here we go…

I even mentioned to a friend whom I happened to be with that the Earth had just changed directions.

 After some piecing together of the story, I figured out that Tim had contacted Mac’s parents after all that time to try to get ahold of Mac. To be frank, I could not believe the BALLS that took. Mac’s parents had to hold their little girl together for months after Tim left. They had to literally turn their back on someone who they had taken into their home. Tim had become one of the family and then had just up and betrayed them all and then disappeared. And then, years later, he calls to apologise. I just couldn’t believe it.

As a matter of fact, I remember it now, I believe he told her parents to either pass on a message or pass on his phone number. He knew that it would be too much to ask to contact her directly. He knew, even then, that he didn’t deserve it. I believe that’s what Mac told me when she called. That he had called her parents. Either way, it was very clear to all of us that Tim was back. In what capacity, that would remain to be seen, but he was back.

Mac’s relationship with SomethingMoore had been a little rocky, that needs to be said, but Tim was always going to be the deal breaker. I think Moore knew that as well as any of us. And sure enough, the relationship was put on hold as soon as Tim returned. None of us expected anything less, and none of us really blamed her for a second. This was Tim. This was different.

Of course Mac contacted him. She saw him. She heard him out. And I don’t want to say that she fell for him again because that would infer that she hadn’t always loved him which would be false. The only HUGE warning sign for me was the horrid beast. She had broken it off with him. He had moved back to San Diego (from Colorado I believe) and he had never been by himself. The last person he trusted and loved before her was Mac. So of course, she would be the likely choice for support. It all made sense. But it all scared the shit out of me. I knew Mac was just like me; I knew she would not guard her heart like the circumstances called for. And before long, Tim was completely mixed back into her life. They saw each other regularly. They kissed. They were in constant contact.

I remember one time she told me that he had left her a message and the only thing on the message was the song ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank.

“I’m not a perfect person

There’s many things I wish I didn’t do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go…”

I’ll never hear that song without thinking of Tim.

Then, there was a package left on Mac’s doorstep. It was a card with a letter continuing his ever-present apology for the way things had gone in their relationship years before. And included was a framed picture from a trip that the two of them had been on while together. I have to say that I found this incredibly strange. I just thought that it was really unusual that he would come all the way across San Diego to drop something off on her porch when he knew she was inside asleep. It became even more unusual when Mac figured out that he had slept in his car outside of her house most of the night. I mean, I had still not met Tim personally, but I was very weary of all of this. Of course Mac was- for the most part- unconcerned and even Raps put my mind at ease telling me that “I just didnt’ know Tim.”

It would soon become all too apparent that none of us really knew Tim.

At a certain point, the horrid beast came back into the picture and Tim once again wanted to cut off all ties with Mac upon the other woman’s request. This didn’t really hold like it had in the past, but it was heartbreaking all the same. Needless to say, it was most upsetting because it was expected. In the end, all the back and forth between Mac and Tim went on for no longer than a month.

On the Wednesday before Mother’s Day that year, Mac received a very normal message from Tim. He asked her to call him back but also may have mentioned that he was sure she wouldn’t. I believe her plan was not to. Not after the yo-yo game he had been playing with her heart.

Then it was Mother’s Day… only a few short days later.

Mac, Raps, LoDown and I were house sitting together near La Jolla. Raps had a co-worker who was always leaving town and who was always willing to offer up her house for ‘girls nights’ in her absence. We girls always took full advantage, and on this particular evening, we were very much enjoying having the place to ourselves; just the four of us. (Looking back, it’s so serendipitous that it happened this way). It was something of a ‘goodbye’ weekend as well. LoDown and I were only two weeks away from moving back to Northern California and leaving San Diego for good. It had already been a very sad time for the four of us close friends, and the whole Tim thing had really only added to the sadness. I already felt terribly guilty for leaving my best friend in the middle of this huge crisis situation revolving around Tim and his girl (which is how I saw it anyway).

We were all just arriving in La Jolla that night, around nine o’clock, and when Mac walked into the house she had her phone up to her ear. She wasn’t talking, but she motioned for us to be quite while she listed. A message.

It was Jennifer, Tim’s sister.

Basically the message said that Tim had not called her yet today, and being that it was Mother’s Day and Tim and Jenn were close, she was concerned. She still lived back in Colorado and she trusted and knew Mac well, so she was wondering if Mac would try to track him down for her. Of course Jenn did not know what the current situation with Mac and Tim was, but of course that didn’t matter. Mac said that she sounded concerned, and we all knew that this was not like Tim, so Mac quickly dialed Tim’s number.

He didn’t answer.

I remember standing in the living room of this house and thinking, “Something is wrong.” I could tell that Mac thought so too by the tone of her voice, but as soon as the thought entered my head, I pushed it out again. People don’t answer their phones. People forget Mother’s Day. That doesn’t mean anything. I took a breath and sat down in the oversized chair across from the couch. Mac, Raps and Lo all sat down on the couch across from me, Mac in the middle. I can picture it as clearly as ever.

Raps took over the calls, knowing that Mac was upset, and Lo and I took on the job of suggesting out loud places that Tim could be, or scenarios that would cause him to not answer his phone. Looking back, this seems odd. If one of my friends didn’t answer the phone, I wouldn’t feel the need to convince myself that they were okay. I think we all already knew…

Raps called Tim’s best friend and had a brief conversation with him. He was unconcerned but Raps told him that Jenn was looking for Tim and if he could try to find him, that would be helpful. He agreed. He also said that he had just seen Tim on Thursday. Apparently, this group of guy friends from high school (Tim included) were very close. Back in high school a close friend of theirs had died in a car accident. Thursday was the anniversary of this friends death and they had all gone out to the grave together and had had a drink on his behalf. Tim’s friend said that he had dropped Tim off at his apartment afterwards.

Raps told the friend to call her with any news and then Raps called another close friend of Tim’s. He didn’t answer. As we were sitting there discussing what could have happened, Raps got a text message from the friend she had just called. It said (more or less):

I just found out. I can’t talk.

Raps read this out loud. I remember looking at Lo and seeing the same look on her face that I felt in my heart. Mac just seemed confused. I guess we all were.

Raps texted back asking for more information. No answer. My heart was pounding. Raps called the friend again and this time he answered. I’ll never forget the conversation.

Raps asked him what was going on. Of course I could only see and hear Raps side of the conversation, but it seemed that there was no answer on the other end. She then asked if he knew where Tim was and told him that Jenn was looking for him. Then she seemed to get angry as if the friend on the phone knew where Tim was and was hiding something. Raps yelled at him and said “If you know where he is, this is fucked up. Jenn is really worried.”

Then something happened that I’ll never forget.

There was a pause and then Raps face totally changed. In an instant she stood straight up and yelled into the phone “What does that mean?” And she kept repeating it. Then she sat right back down again. I will never forget that. She shot right up out of her seat and then sat right back down again. It was so jarring and so telling. My heart sank and tears immediately fell down my cheeks. It was such a knee jerk reaction. Before I had even registered sadness, tears had covered my face. I knew.

Raps hung up the phone and her voice was shaking. Her whole body was shaking. Mac just kept looking at her and then at Lo and I. I stood up and moved to the table in front of the couch. I grabbed Mac and Raps hands, ready for whatever Raps was about to say, although I already knew. And Mac just kept looking at me, crying, and Raps, shaking, and she just looked so confused. It was as if her mind was literally blocking the information from processing. Her eyebrows even furrowed when she looked at me like she was completely lost as to what was going on. I think she even asked me why I was crying.

Raps said that the friend on the phone had said (more or less):

“They found a body, but we don’t know if it’s Tim.”

This was what made Raps shoot up out of her seat. At hearing her get upset the friend began repeating “We don’t know if  it’s Tim. It might not be Tim.” He couldn’t believe it either. I guess he had just found out only a few minutes before our call.

To be honest, I don’t know if Mac really broke down completely at that moment. It all became such a rush. Raps just kept repeating the friend’s words: It might not be Tim. But then she also said that the body in question was at Tim’s apartment. Tim lived alone. I just remember nodding. Nodding and crying and holding onto them. I knew what this meant… but I couldn’t say it out loud. I didn’t want to be the one. And my mind kept fighting against itself. I couldn’t even really wrap my head around it myself. I remember asking Raps several times, “Where are they taking him.” I still didn’t want to believe that a ‘body’ was a ‘dead body’. I wanted to hold onto the idea that he was just hurt. I think that I even said, “They found him in time.”

To me that says that I knew exactly how they found him. As much as it didn’t make any sense at all… it all made perfect sense.

Tim was gone. And he had done it on purpose.

If I recall correctly, there was another call made to the best friend whom we had talked to first. He still hadn’t heard and was really alarmed at how upset Raps was. He, too, just could not believe it. He promised to get more information. I can’t remember how much time passed or how we actually got the confirmation but it was true. Tim had committed suicide.

Shortly after we had found out for sure, Mac’s phone rang again. It was Jenn. Mac immediately broke down and freaked out. She said she couldn’t be the one to tell her that her brother had… (Mac still couldn’t even say it). Of course not. We let Jenn leave a message and then I was the one to listen to it. Again, one more thing I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

She sounded calm and shocked. There was a slight waver in her voice as she spoke, but she already sounded exhausted. She said (more or less):

“This is Jenn…

 I just got a call from the police and Tim…

… committed suicide…

I haven’t talked to anyone yet but I’ll keep you posted about… whats happening.”

It was just devastating. I erased the message, hung up and said: “She knows.”

The rest of the night was such a blur. To remember the exact details of part of the night and then not at all the rest is somehow very strange. I think that’s part of being in shock. We were all definitely in shock. I do recall SomethingMoore coming over for support. After all, although he was not Mac’s first love… she was most definitely his. I also remember calling Mac’s mom at some point and telling her to come over. Although I think that we told her over the phone what was going on, I remember when she arrived we all met her in the front yard…

Mac ran out to her near the car and I remember her specifically saying: “He’s not… No… No… No.” With each ‘no’ she understood a little more… and she broke down. She has said that she always thought of Tim as a son and she was just as devastated when he left their family as Mac was. She loved him too. And she just could not believe that he would so such a thing.

We must have rehashed all the details 100 times that night. We cried, we yelled, we even laughed a little. After a while, a flood of texts begin to come to both Raps and Mac’s phones. The group from high school was suddenly reconnecting again. Everyone was trying to make sense of it… and trying to figure out what to do next. They planned to meet the following day at Garden Road… which had been their hang out since the beginning of time.

The next day, Lo and I were brought into this group of mourning friends. It was so strange to be on the outside. I had still never met Tim, but knowing Mac was knowing Tim and everyone there seemed to know that. Some of the guys cried, some were pissed like I was… and even when the horrid beast (whom Tim seemed to blame in his final letter- or at least that’s the gist I got) showed up, everyone welcomed her in. Even if she had been a bad influence on him, or had broken his heart… it wasn’t her fault.

When someone does this, there is such a range of emotions that everyone goes through. Everyone has their own journey of course, but it effects everyone on some level. Even people like me, who never actually met him… it has changed my life. I will forever have had gone through this with Mac and the rest of his friends and family. And it’s hard for me to believe that Tim had no idea the pain he would cause so many people. Personally, I felt angry. Some people feel disbelief… a lot of people are in denial. Some are sad and some feel guilty or responsible. I know that his best friend, the one who we had to break the news to, had been the last person that Tim called as it turns out. He will have to live with that for the rest of his life. He will have to live knowing that if he had just answered his phone that one time… maybe things would be different. That’s not fair. That makes me so angry.

I have been depressed. Obviously I’m not going to compare my suffering to Tim’s, but I’ve been cheated on, broken, emotionally beaten, left, betrayed… we all have had it bad sometimes. But how bad does it have to be where you think that there is NO WAY it will EVER be better? How bad does it have to be where it’s worth putting your friends and family through what we all went through? How can that not be considered?

We never found out how he did it. That’s always the question: How did he do it? We don’t know. Those who knew wouldn’t tell Mac. They wouldn’t tell her because they said that they wished they didn’t know.

The police found him. They had to break down his door at the request of a friend. He was in there. He had left a note. And that’s the other thing… I guess the note was two pages. How do you sit down and write out a two page suicide note and then still go through with it? Isn’t that enough catharsis? Isn’t that enough to snap you out of it? I guess I will never understand this.

And the whole time I kept thinking… this isn’t just anyone… this is Tim. This is Mac’s Tim.

The day after, when Tim’s ex-fiance showed up at the gathering, she only made it as far as the curb. Although no one blamed her out loud, I can only imagine the guilt she must have been feeling. It’s not fair. After about ten minutes of her crying on the curb in front of the house, Mac stood up and walked over to her and hugged her. After all the pain that this girl had caused Mac… she still was the bigger person and knew that they were both suffering a huge loss. She hugged her.

The girlfriend said to Mac: He loved you.

It’s not fair.

I wanted to tell this story because I think it needs to be told. I didn’t see this coming. It’s always a shock when someone does this, but looking back, all the signs were there. Tim was going back into his past and trying to right his wrongs. Tim was depressed and desperate. Tim was acting erratically… sleeping outside Mac’s house. He was giving away important things to him. It was all there. But it’s so hard to admit that to ourselves. It’s hard to see and it’s so hard to accept that someone might be thinking the worst…

Tim’s dad killed himself a few weeks later. Now Jenn is alone. To me, this is even worse. How can you see all the pain and suffering that Tim caused… how can you feel it for yourself… and then go ahead and do the same thing. I think about Jenn often and what she must have gone through… what she still goes through. It’s not fair.

This has been a huge lesson to me. I trid to be a better friend because of it. I wanted to make sure that I always offered myself to everyone at all times. And I wish I could say that I will never let this happen to another friend, but it already has… a good friend. That is another blog as well. Bnd despite all this, I know that it’s not my fault if I miss something… it’s not my choice. But I can only hope that maybe someone out there listening will not make the same choice that Tim made. I hope you stay for another day. It may seem so, but life really isn’t that bad… and it has to get better. It just has to. And if you don’t want to be here anymore… just KNOW that SOMEONE wants you here. Probably a lot of someones…

I promise you… life is worth living.

I know this is heavy, but like I said, it’s important. I hope I made you think… and more than anything, I hope none of you have to go through this. But if you do, just know that… It isn’t fair. And it’s not your fault.

Don’t tell my heart, my achey breaky heart

Alright guys, it’s time for cheat number two. 

If you’ll recall, my first love, JayHans, was not always the perfect example of a boyfriend. As they say: It was the best of times; It was the worst of times. That is the best way to describe that six year, on again, off more often relationship. It’s hard to say he ‘cheated’ on me because it was so hard to see the boundaries of our relationship. Here I go again, being a ‘circle’ and allowing myself to be taken advantage of, but still. It was never crystal clear when we were on and when we were off. We were kind of in a constant state of both. But at the same time, I do remember feeling betrayed, and isn’t that the worst part of being cheated on? The betrayal? The lying? I guess it’s hard to pick a ‘worst part’ of being cheated on. It all blows! 

Well then, if you have been reading along, you’ll remember the first person I said ‘I love you’ to- not to be confused with the first love- LemonBass. He cheated on me on our three month anniversary, which in high school was a very big deal. Of course he didn’t truly confess to the digression until more than a year later when we were already back together, reconciled and having just lost our virginity to one another. That is what I consider my first REAL cheat. My first cut, if you will. That one really introduced me to the frailness of relationships. When you’re young and in love, especially your first love, there is this feeling of invincibility. You’ve never been hurt so that is the furthest thing from your mind. First love is forever! Or so we think. I know I did. So this burn was definitely 3rd degree. And that was a low time for me. 

Well, after LemonBass and I finally split in my freshman year of college after three years, I was set free to a world of dating brand new assholes. There was a whole new world open to me at that point. I had been with LemonBass for so long, and JayHans before that, that this was really the first time I had been single as an adult. Well, anyone who is coming out of a long relationship, particularly one in high school, knows that these things never just really end abruptly. There is a long, long process of relapsing as I call it. It’s hard to avoid. We are so used to being in a relationship with that person that it just feels weird to not be. And at that age, it’s hard to figure out who you are when you’ve always been just half. Trust me, I know. Lemon and I played this game for a good two years after our break up. Sometimes the gap between fixes was longer than others, but we never actually got back together. It was always just a band-aid for the loneliness. 

Well, during this period of rehab, I dated a few guys. Of course I was so committed to not being tied down that I didn’t even really realize that I wanted to be. I tried to keep everything so casual, but women have a really hard time doing that. Women get attached. It’s this stupid thing we do, and I hate it as much as the guy hates it. But alas, I managed to get myself attached to some of these winners and I allowed myself to feel betrayed. Again, when you’re ‘keeping it casual’, you’re not really being cheated on, but it hurts all the same. 

So all the sudden, it’s the summer before my senior year of college and I have to move home to have my tonsils out. After years of constant strep throat, I finally found a compassionate doctor willing to do the deed. I was 20 years old, and apparently doctors try to avoid taking tonsils out past the age of like 6 so it was quite a challenge convincing them that I actually needed the ‘risky’ surgery. (Really? Risky? It’s tonsils). But that’s not the point. The point is, that I had been single- and casually dating in between relapses- for two years. 

When I moved home that summer, never in my wildest dreams would I have ever guessed that I would fall in love. Especially not with the winner who ended up stealing my heart. I was just pulling myself out of a HUGE depression and I had just closed the most life altering play I’d ever worked on (two separate blogs) and the last thing on my mind was love. 

Well, life is funny like that. 

I had the operation and as promised, a terribly long and painful recovery. Day one I threw up from the pain meds. Now imagine throwing up with holes in your throat. Okay don’t imagine that. Sorry. But anyway, it was gnarly, that I can promise you. I was down for about a month. The scabs ripped, I struggled with dehydration and I lost a bunch of weight- so not all bad. 

So this is the part that makes this story all the more tragic. It seemed even back in high school, that whenever a guy was interested in me, there would be two guys. It was never just one at a time. I always had to choose.  And I always seemed to choose wrong. Of course I didn’t realize that until afterwards, but the signs were all there. Well, this instance was no different. After two years of really no one special vying for my attention, all of the sudden there were two. 

Jankster. And HurtLocker. 

I met Jankster through my sister. He came first. You see, this was also the summer that my sister graduated high school, and at that time she was seeing a GORGEOUS boy named… let’s call him Arms. So she and Arms were spending a lot of time together and it was the first time that I was ever really attracted to someone my sister was dating. And I mean REALLY attracted to him. Well, I told D’Monk that she should introduce me to his friends and she mentioned that he had a brother. A TWIN brother. An IDENTICAL TWIN brother. Well, basically I was ready to plan the wedding when she mentioned that he had a girlfriend. DAMN! 

A few weeks later, at D’Monk’s graduation party (my family is kind of known for throwing epic parties) I may or may not have had a few too many drinks and so I wandered up to Arms and said exactly this: 

“Tell your brother that he needs a little less (Girlfriend’s name), and a little more MrsWaterCloset.” 

Apparently that was all it took. Jankster and I were officially seeing each other no more than two weeks later. And let me tell you, it was awesome. He was so amazingly attractive and my sister was dating his twin and we just thought that was the coolest thing ever. 

Jankster, MWC, D'Monk, Arms

can you tell the difference?

Well, also at that graduation party was my mother’s long time best friend. She has a son. Obviously Jankster was a few years younger than me, well her son was a few years older than me. 

A little back ground on HurtLocker: I had known OF him most of my life. When we were younger, he used to actually babysit me while our parents went out. But of course back then he was the fat kid. I wouldn’t have noticed him at all except for the fact that he was absolutely hilarious. Fast forward a bunch of years, I stopped needing a babysitter, and we were both in high school. I was a sophomore and he was a senior. I remember I saw him walking around campus and I could not believe my eyes. He had lost all the baby fat and he was a knock out. Drop dead gorgeous. Or at least I thought so. I would include a picture but I’ve burned them all. 

In high school, he had fourth period across the hall from me. He wasn’t much for school and he was SUPER confident (or cocky rather) and so he was always standing in the halls, yelling at people and what not when I would get to class. He always had a girlfriend but that never stopped him from flirting (or much more I guess). But he didn’t flirt with me. I would just quietly walk to class in awe by him. I never said a word, and he rarely said a word. I wasn’t on his radar. He didn’t remember me from when we were younger, or at least he pretended not to. 

Well, sometime that year his sister got married and of course we were invited because we were long time family friends. That wedding, for whatever reason, put me on his radar. His girlfriend was there of course, but he spent a lot of the time dancing and flirting with me. This should have been a HUGE red flag for me, but I ate it up. I was dancing with HurtLocker for crying out loud! Dream come true. For me, not for his girlfriend. She ended up leaving early, crying, and he had to go after her. RED FLAG? No way. He went after her. He must not have been all bad, right? 

Come Monday at school, everything was different. He noticed me. As soon as I walked into the building where our respective fourth periods were, he came right up to me and pinned me up against the wall. I don’t even remember what he said, it was the way he said it. I could just feel my face turning read and my mind going to mush. Oh man, was I just a fool in love! It sounds so ridiculous to me now but I can totally remember just melting at the sight of him. And looking back, he demonstrated everything I CAN’T STAND in men now, but at the time, I lived for that two minutes before fourth period. 

At the end of the year he graduated (well, not technically, but he left school anyway) and life went back to normal. I met LemonBass in my junior year and you all know what happens next. 

So now, fast forward to D’Monk’s high school graduation party and my Jankster. Years and years had passed since the last time I saw Hurt, but his reputation was never totally out of sight. Hurt was what you might call a player. He was KNOWN for cheating. He was KNOWN for being a flirt. He was KNOWN for his outrageously long list of women. I KNEW all of this! RED FLAG? No way, I was different. And when his mom suggested for the millionth time that I should go out with him, I played back and told her to have him call me. He was also ALWAYS in a relationship (and cheating on whoever it was) and so I was surprised when she told me that he was actually single. Still, not in a million years did I think that he would ever call me. 

Well, like I said, life is funny like that. 

Just when it seemed Jankster and I were going to really make something of ourselves, I get a call from my mom’s best friend. It was around 8pm on a week night and when I found out who was calling I told her that I would go get my mom. 

“No, I’m calling for you,” she said. 

“Oh… okay.” 

“I just gave Hurt your number. I hope that’s okay,” she said. And I’m not kidding, as she said it, the other line beeped in my ear. I nearly peed myself. I told her to hold on, and I answered the other line. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. Him. I couldn’t believe it. After all this time, that crush that I had once had for him was not nearly as strong, but for whatever reason my heart was racing. And even though I had talked my fair share of shit about this particular individual, and was truly disgusted with all that I had heard about him, I didn’t hang up the phone. Instead I laughed and told him that his mom was on the other line and that I’d have to call him back. And even after my heart rate slowed and my head was back on straight, I called him back. He asked me out for lunch. I said yes. 

Why do we do this girls? 

Of course I didn’t tell Jankster that I was going out with Hurt. Honestly, I was so shocked by the whole thing that I didn’t know what to think about it exactly. Well, that first date was like no other date I had ever been on. I seriously felt like I was on an interview to be his girlfriend. It wasn’t really a conversation so much as he just asked me a series of questions. He made me laugh and to his surprise, I made him laugh. After I got over the weirdness of the date, I started calling him out on some of his shit. See, I was going to be different. I was determined to be different. I told him that I had rules. I told him that I thought he was a slut. I told him that I wouldn’t date him. I told him that I knew he asked me to lunch on purpose so he could either go back to work or try to sleep with me, depending on how I looked. He laughed. But when he didn’t go back to work and took me back to his place to take a ‘nap’, he was genuinely surprised when I reminded him of my rules and left. 

I thought for sure that that would be the end of my relationship with HurtLocker. If you didn’t put out, you didn’t hang out with Hurt. Well, that didn’t seem to be true for me. He called me later that night. And then the next day. And then the next. I was shocked. I wasn’t sleeping with him. We were actually doing things. He had a boat and it was summer so we spent a lot of time on the river with his friends. Maybe I was different. 

Never think that girls!!!!!! You are not different! You’re better than all this, but your no different than any of the other girls who have fallen for it. These guys know what they are doing. They’ve done it a million times. There is a reason the world MAN is in MANipulation! THEY WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU!!! 

Whew… sorry about that… 

Anyway, during this random relationship with Hurt, I was also seeing Jankster. I was much more honest with Jankster than I was with Hurt, mainly because I could trust Jankster. I cared about him. I didn’t want to hurt him. And more than anything, I KNEW that he cared about me more than Hurt ever would. But even still, it seemed that I would soon be faced with a choice. 

And then Hurt went and did something unforgivable. It was a low blow. Jankster knew it and I knew it. Hurt got a puppy. And to seal the deal he started calling me Mommy. I was puppy’s Mommy! I mean, that’s just not even fair. But all’s fair in love and war! 

That first night that I went over to see the puppy, my sister came with me, and for the first time Hurt really stepped it up and was acting like we were actually a couple. I just still couldn’t believe it. He knew I was only home for the summer. He knew my rules. He knew the deal, and still he wasn’t just moving on to the next girl. It was such a trip. Well, that night Hurt overheard me talking to my sister about Jankster and he asked me if I was seeing someone else. He just flat out asked me. I never thought that he would care if he found out, but he actually was really upset about it. And of course that led to the ‘what are we’ conversation, which led to me making the wrong decision. 

I broke it off with Jankster the next day. To this day, ladies, that is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. Please learn from my mistakes. And if you’re not convinced that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this stuff, read on. 

That next week Jankster left one long stem red rose on my porch, with a very witty hand written letter, basically asking me to reconsider. I didn’t reconsider. The next week, for the first and last time in my life thus far, a box of a dozen long stem red roses was delivered to my door with a note. The note simply quoted my favorite song in the entire world and was not signed. I looked and my sister and said: 

“You know what’s sad? I KNOW this is not from my boyfriend because he doesn’t know that my favorite flower is a long stem red rose and he doesn’t know my favorite song.” 

I KNEW it could not be from Hurt. It was from Jankster. I did not reconsider. I broke his heart. 

Hurt and I dated for about four months, until I moved back to San Diego. I know for a fact that he did not cheat on me the entire time I lived in town. Well, I guess I can never be sure, but I feel it in my heart even now. If he was not at work, I was with him. He was jealous and he made sure of that. I slept at his house every single night. He had lunch with me at every single lunch hour. And he came over in his work clothes to pick me up every single day. He went to the bars only twice while we were together and both times he was always reachable and he always came over to get me, even if it was 3am. I know he didn’t cheat on me in those first four months. 

And until I met my husband, you can ask D’Monk, Hurt was her favorite boyfriend of mine. He was hysterical. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed so much in my life. He was caring and kind. He had a boat and a puppy, which didn’t hurt, and I actually grew to trust him. Worst of all, I grew to love him. And I don’t love anyone half way. When I love, it’s serious. I lose myself in love. If there is one thing that I know how to do, it is love. And he was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that love, even for a minute. 

When the time came for me to move, HE made the decision to stay together. I gave him the easiest way out possible. I left a note on his porch, explaining that I knew what I was getting myself into when I started the relationship and I knew it was only going to be for the summer. I told him that if he just didn’t call me, I would know it was over and we could both avoid that awkward sad break up. 

He called. 

Our relationship lasted only about two weeks into the move. Suddenly, he was unreachable. I could never get him on the phone. And of course, the rumors of another girl started to circulate. I drove home and we ended things for good. 

Well, nothing is ever really ended for good. We decided not to talk. We decided that that would be easiest, but of course come Halloween… I’m home, I’m 21 now and we see each other at the bar. It all starts over again. But this time it was totally different. Or so I thought. He swore up and down that he never cheated. He swore up and down that he wasn’t seeing anyone. And when my wonderful step dad got his second DUI, Hurt was there to support me and make me laugh again. All this said, I couldn’t help but notice that whenever I spent the night at his house- which was rare because he preferred my house all of the sudden- he made sure to lock the front door and his bedroom door. And he never seemed to answer the phone when we were together. I CHOSE to ignore those red flags. I saw them, plain as day, but chose to ignore them. 

When I went back to San Diego, he still called every night. Things were different. We made plans for Christmas and we saw each other over Thanksgiving. We didn’t necessarily have the conversation of ‘are we back together’ but I certainly wasn’t seeing anyone else this time. 

Christmas break. 

I had been back in town only a few days and although I had talked to Hurt, mysteriously, he was always busy when we were supposed to see each other. Again, I chose to ignore that feeling deep down in my gut that was telling me to throw up and run away. LISTEN TO THAT! It’s there for a reason. 

Christmas Eve. 

Lizzard and I are at the bar. I say ‘the’ bar because there are not many in town. All Hurt’s friends are out and I know it’s just a matter of time before he shows up and all will be right in the world again. Well, instead of Hurt, in walks his rumored girlfriend. She comes in with Hurt’s sister. To me, that’s not a good sign. Of course he has denied that he’s dating her, he has slept with me… he has lied. And I can see it immediately in her face. She knows who I am and she is not happy to see me. All this aside, Lizzard and I are determined to enjoy the night. We keep our distance. 

Around midnight, amongst all the people in the crowded room, I hear my name being shouted from across the bar. It’s her. She’s looking right at me and she is yelling my name. And then she says something that literally stops my heart. 

“We’re getting married in September.” 

She has a ring. 

All the air in the room gets sucked out. My ears go numb. I have that feeling in my stomach like I’m falling. I can feel the tears just fighting to get out. She’s still yelling at me. Details. He just asked her for Christmas. 

“Good for you,” I yell back and give her a thumbs up. I mean really? You obviously know I’m seeing him or you wouldn’t be acting this way. Do you think you really won something? Do you think you have something over my head? I get the bar tenders attention and I look over at Lizzard who is equally as shocked. I can see this look in her eyes like she is just waiting for me to fall over or something. And I’ll never forget what she said to me: 

“Are you okay? We don’t cry in bars.” 

So true. We definitely can’t cry in this bar. I nod at her and tell her that I’m just going to step outside for a minute. She asks to come with me and I tell her that I’m okay. I’m not. 

It’s raining outside. Of course. It helped disguise my tears though, so that was nice as I had to say hello to some people that were coming in. I go out in the parking lot and I literally crawl in between two cars and I call my sister. 

“He’s getting married,” is all I say to her. She is at another party and can hardly hear me, but there is no mistaking who I mean. She too asks if I need to be picked up. I say no. I’m fine. I’m not. 

I go back into the bar and proceed to get as drunk as I can get. I text message Hurt: “September weddings are beautiful” and that is the last thing I ever say to him. Even drunk I know better than to ever call him again. About a half an hour or so later, the wife-to-be approaches me directly and tries to fight me. She literally tries to punch me in the face. If you’ve read my last few blogs you know that as a circle, I am very un-confrontational. I have never in my life gotten in a fight and I certainly wasn’t going to do it that night. So I did what any girl would do; I cried and let my friends fight her for me. But before all that I did get to yell in her face: 

“Don’t worry. You can have him.” 

And somehow that made me feel better. Still does. She still has him though. They did end up getting married that September. Although I did hear that he was involved in a pool with the rest of his groomsmen as to how long the marriage would actually last. From what I understand, he didn’t think it would last that long. She got pregnant right away. They had a daughter. Now they have two. In a lot of ways I think they really are perfect for each other. She had the same reputation that he had. And that is one thing that Hurt would always say to me: “I hold you back.” He did. He knew it. I couldn’t see it. I love too well. Or too stupidly. A little of both I guess. 

So that is cheat number 2 guys. It wasn’t pretty. I was broken. Let me tell you, that was the most retarded Christmas I’ve ever had in my life. And to be honest… I didn’t learn a thing. I jumped right into cheat number 3. It was HE who actually shined the light on this whole mess. If you can imagine, cheat 3 is even worse. Stay tuned…