Old, old wooden ship

So it’s official.

I’m old.

I knew 27 was going to be borderline… I mean, I’m now in my late twenties. It’s funny how that works. 20-23, you are in your early twenties. 24-26 are mid and then starting with 27… you’re in your late twenties. There is no MID about 27. I mean, we might as well just round-up and call ourselves pre-thirty.

To be honest, although I joke that I’m getting old, I hadn’t really given it TOO much thought until the world started throwing it in my face! All of the sudden it’s as if the world is telling me to run inside and get a face lift! I mean, lately I’m hung over no matter what I do. I get tired before 2am. I find myself in pj’s on Saturday nights. I hardly make any reckless decisions… it’s just like “ok world… I see what you’re trying to say!”

But before I go into that, I have to say that there is one un-ignorable ‘clock’ that has been ticking away, louder and louder each year, since about age 24, but I am hoping to quite that down here soon enough. And yet something tells me, even when I do become a mother… I’m not going to feel any younger.

But regardless…

The first time I knew I was officially getting old was back in Texas. I kind of talked about this in my Sept. 11th blog but it bares repeating. When Burny was in tech school in San Angelo, you can imagine that it was flooded with 18-year-old kids, fresh out of high school. Burny and I were in our mid twenties still at that point, so we were the old kids on the block. I mean, it was really a struggle to think of what to do with people who couldn’t go to bars. What did I used to do? I couldn’t think of a single thing!

It was during a conversation with these underage kids that I realized, they were in 6th grade when Sept. 11th happened. They could hardly remember it! I was in college. If that doesn’t make you feel like you are in a whole different generation, I don’t know what will.

A while after we moved home from Texas, I performed in the musical: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I was actually asked to join the chorus after casting because they were short on voices so when I went to the first reading, I was painfully aware of that fact that I was going to fall into a weird age bracket.

There were the 15-year-old, high school kids playing Tom Sawyer, and his friends. There were the adults in their 50’s cast to play the parents of said kids… and then there was me. The twenty something who didn’t fit in either group. Too old to be a kid… to young to be old.

I sat down next to a girl who seemed to have found herself in the same predicament. She was quietly sitting on her own and she looked to be about my same age. I was relieved to see that I wouldn’t be the only one feeling out of place.

As we began to read through the script, I struck up a bit of a whispered conversation between myself and the twenty something next to me. We were both chorus so we didn’t have any lines. We were just there for looks basically.

About half way through the reading I realized that the story line in the play was strikingly similar to the movie plot of the 1990’s film: Tom and Huck.

I leaned over to share my findings with my new, twenty something friend. I said, “This play is exactly like the movie ‘Tom and Huck’.”

“What movie?” she asked.

Clearly she just hadn’t heard me. ‘Tom and Huck’ was a pretty well-known movie when I was in jr. high school. Namely because of its leading actor: Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I leaned back into her and said, “‘Tom and Huck’ with JTT!”

And then she said something that just BRANDED my age so plainly across my forehead that I could feel the burn…

“Who is JTT?”

Say WHAT?

Who is JTT??? Come on! I mean, how do you describe who JTT is without a BOP magazine for evidence. I have to admit that it did occur to me at that point that BOP magazine likely no longer existed, and that didn’t help my cause much.

I said his full name to her in one final hope for recognition but it was clear to me. She wasn’t my age at all. There was just no possible way.

“He was in Home Improvement,” I tried…

Still nothing. Not one ounce of recognition in her face. Not even for ‘Tim the Tool Man Taylor.’

Finally, after a few minutes of consideration she came back and slapped me in the face again…

“I think I’ve seen re-runs of that show. Which one is JTT?”

I just left it alone. I couldn’t explain it. There was no point. I asked her age. 17. Sigh. She looked so mature…

The final blow came just the other night. I mean, there have been several ‘you’re getting old’ moments in my life since turning 25, but this one the other night really sealed the deal. I believe it’s official now and I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I’m 27 now, obviously. I went to a Halloween party on Friday dressed as a Red Headed Slut. Burny went as Mike’s Hard Lemonade:

I have to tell you that when discussing costumes with my 23-year-old friend she said: “I’m too old to be slutty for Halloween.”

Hmm… perhaps I should have reconsidered my costume at that point, but instead I decided that I looked dang good! Not just for 27 but for any age! I was going to celebrate that! I was going to be slutty! I was going to wear my boots and show cleavage and I was going to rock it out! And that is just what I did.

So, once at the party I quickly realized that married couples must not regularly go out. Everyone was asking me if Burny was my boyfriend…

“You could say that.”

We’ve been married for 2 1/2 years… it’s just not something I’ve been asked in a while. And then the real kicker happened…

I was talking with this girl about make up. I had never met her before and I guessed (correctly this time) that she was probably in her early twenties. She mentioned college and I said something back about ‘when I was in college’ and then she looked at me very strangely…

“How old are you?” She asked appalled. I mean, it wasn’t like she was a young guy I was trying to deceive into thinking I was some hot young thing… it was a girl and we were talking about make up. I wasn’t aware I should have said my age before sitting down.

“I’m 27… can I still sit and chat??”

“Seat’s taken!”

So I answered her: “I’m 27.”

Her eyes widened, she tossed her head back in surprise (and a little bit of disgust I have to admit… like she could catch the late twenties) and she said:

“Wow… you look great! What do you use?”

Really?

I mean… really??

First of all… how old am I supposed to look by now?

What product do I use?

I was really thrown by that one. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I should have given her the card of my plastic surgeon. It was the weirdest comment. And I can’t say that it felt good… Even though she really meant it as a complement, and I’m glad that I don’t look like I am really the ripe old age of pre-thirty, but still… the idea that I was old enough to have to use product to look this good… it hurt.

Perhaps I am too old to be slutty for Halloween.

Perhaps I’m too old to be going to parties…

But maybe… perhaps not too.

And by the way… if you’re wondering… I use Arbonne of course!

Got Chapstick?

First kisses: Awkward? Romantic? A dare??

Everyone has a story. And every first kiss has a memory. For me, of course it’s a little more of a story than probably most of you. I never do anything half way… even when I’m totally not intending to do anything out of the ordinary.

The first thing out of the ordinary about my first kiss- and we are talking first FRENCH kiss here- is that I was 16 years old. Most people are like 13, lets face facts, so I was somewhat of a late bloomer in that department. I know for a fact that most of my friends had their first kiss at MY 13th birthday party. It was a boy/girl party. My Mom was the cool Mom. We played spin the bottle, of course, and suck and blow (it’s much more innocent than it sounds). I was the only one there who had a boyfriend (who was also at the party I must add) and I was the only one who didn’t play any games.

He later cheated on me by kissing another girl. It was quite the controversy. Can’t say that I blame him though. I was a kissing prude!

So the fact that EVERYONE had already had their first kiss only made me more terrified of the whole thing because I was sure that everyone knew how to do it and I, clearly, did not. I mean, try to remember what it was like back before the first kiss… I was thinking about tongue placement and drooling and all kinds of nightmarish things. Everyone kept telling me that it would just happen naturally and everything would go where it was supposed to but I just couldn’t imagine things going smoothly. I was sure I would choke or spit or something that would only make things one million times worse.

I would also like to point out that my first kiss was not delayed due to lack of attempts. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but there were many guys who went in for the awkward lean and got shut down. Let’s just say I became a professional excuse maker. My curfew was always changing… I had a small bladder… I avoided empty rooms… the whole thing. I was simply and completely mortified of this impending experience.

Well, during the summer before my sophomore year of high school I was cast in the musical “Grease”. The production was through the college in town but they were allowing high school students to audition as well. Of course we all got parts in the chorus and the college students where cast as the leads, but we were in it for the experience… and to have something to do during the hopelessly boring Woodland summer.

At the first all cast rehearsal, which was held at the high school ironically enough, we all got to meet the college kids we would be working with. I knew some of the boys coming into the rehearsal, but I only had eyes for one boy in the cast that summer: Danny Zuko. I mean if you’re going to have a showmance (a show romance), why not aim high?

Of course… a showmance usually requires that there is more than one party involved. In this case, however, it was just me. Just a lonely chorus girl in love with the lead greaser…

And when I say ‘in love’ I mean a really deep infatuation. A crush would be under selling. I just thought that the sun shined out of his ass. It was as if he wasn’t even a real person. He was a celebrity to me. And I was certain that he had NO idea that I was even on the same planet, let alone in the same room as him. But it seemed that the more he ignored me, the more I fell in love.

To make matters worse, it was becoming very apparent, at least to me, that the much older, much prettier, better casted Sandra Dee was crushing on her co-star as well… and needless to say, I didn’t stand a chance.

But I still had my dreams…

I remember one afternoon, just before one of our dress rehearsals, I walked into the theater to put my stuff down and Danny Zuko looked at me. I was stopped in my tracks. He was looking RIGHT at me! ME?!! The random, totally unimportant, chorus girl! And then, to add to my confusion he said,

“MrsWaterCloset, is ‘so and so’ here yet?”

He said my name.

It was literally like a movie where the girl stumbles over her words, looks behind her to be sure he is talking to her, stutters some more before finally getting the answer to his simple question out.

Of course, he went right back to his previous conversation, but my life would never be the same…

I RAN to the dressing room which was designated for the high school chorus girls only. The dressing room had definitely become my sounding board for my ridiculous crush on Zuko. It just so happened that most of the girls in the chorus were friends of mine from school- including my good friend Chon, so there was no hiding my overwhelming feelings.

I burst in the door of the dressing room and screamed my news:
“He knows my name!!”

All the girls cheered and laughed. Chon, who had no problem at all chatting in a normal tone to Zuko, laughed more than the rest. She was sure that he was aware of my crush on him, but I maintained that he had no idea I was alive. It was probably just a fluke that he even got my name right. Even still, it was a good day.

We made it through the two weekends of performances without incident. Zuko never spoke to me again, but I certainly didn’t speak to him either. I felt perfectly content knowing that he knew who I was. That was all I needed to know to continue the love affair in my head.

And then came the final performance which was followed by the infamous cast party. When you’re a teenager and a show’s run comes to an end, it can be emotional. Now add on to that a HUGE crush that you may or may not have on someone in the cast and you can bet that it’s a very sad night.

However, despite my heavy heart, I decided to take things to the next level at the cast party. I pretty much dared myself to do it. I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. And so armed with the knowledge that Zuko did, in fact, know my name… I decided to talk to him.

Yes, that was the extent of the dare to myself. I was going to work up the nerve, after an entire summer in a cast of 30 with him, to have a conversation. Pretty big deal, I know.

So of course I got drunk.

I mean, what else was I supposed to do? There is a reason they call it Liquid Courage. And that night, I needed some help. I had big goals people.

So I got drunk and I started talking to the group of people NEXT to him. I hoped that he would join in the conversation and I would be able to call that good enough and go home. But no… this was not going to happen the easy way.

Finally, a few hours into the party, I decided to lean on one of my best and most reliable trates: Flirting. If there is one thing, even to this day, that I am good at… it’s flirting.

Now, the reason I was unable to flirt with Zuko as easily and as readily as I was able to flirt with the rest of the guys in the cast was simply because he was not a real guy to me. Like I said before, he might as well have been Justin Timberlake.

So anyway, the alcohol allowed me to free up my inner self and approach. And what was my opener?

“Can I have a cigarette?”

Did I smoke? That’s hardly the point! He smoked and it looked cool and it was going to be the easiest and sexiest opener to our first conversation.

Que awkward movie moment number two when the ” wannabe cool” girl chokes on the first drag of her first cigarette in front of the “cool” guy.

Lucky for me, he had had enough to drink (because HE was of age, I might add) and so he just laughed and decided to TEACH me how to inhale. Sexy right???!! Totally sexy!

So we were chatting and things were going well. We were talking about keeping in touch and hanging out and I was thinking,

“Why on EARTH did I not just flirt with this kid like every other guy!!?”

I could not believe all the wasted time! But I was completely thrilled that we were making plans to stay in touch.

Now I have to be honest, I’m not sure how our conversation ended exactly or what all was said word for word (I was feeling pretty courageous from all the liquid), but the next thing I remember, Zuko was standing across the living room from me. He was standing in a group of people, but he was the only one facing my direction. And he was staring at me. I could tell that the group around him was chatting, but his mouth wasn’t moving. He had this funny smile on his face, and he was staring across the room at me.

Oh shit.

I took another sip of courage.

And then, without alerting anyone in the group, Zuko broke away from them and begin crossing the room towards me.

Oh hell.

Another sip.

There was just something strange about the way he was looking at me. He was like the sun… it was almost painful to look directly at him. And then, in an instant, he was standing right in front of me.

I’ll never forget this as long as I live. Mainly because it was so odd.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and said- and I quote,

“Do you want a kiss?”

Do I want a kiss? What a strange thing to say! I mean, of course I do, but when you put it that way…

Luckily for everyone involved, he assumed that I did and did not wait for an answer.

He kissed me.

A real live french kiss.

He tasted like cigarettes and beer. But all the same my first kiss was done!!! Thank the LORD!

It was over almost as quickly as it had begun and then he was gone. He just vanished. I had no idea where he went, but I was happy he was gone because I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Yes, I was going to cry. Great!

I looked around the room… not for Zuko, but for my friend Chon. Chon would know what to do. Chon would get me the heck out of this room. Chon would make sure that Zuko thought that I was completely unfazed by the kiss. Chon would help.

As soon as I saw her, I grabbed her, pulled her outside and BURST into hysterical tears. I hardly made it outside.

Of course she was concerned at first. She kept asking me what was wrong, while laughing I have to point out, but I could not explain myself. I couldn’t even justify to myself why I was crying, or what had just happened, any of it. What explanation could I give her?

Finally I got it out:

“Zuko just kissed me!”

Chon laughed even harder.

“Isn’t that what you want?” I nodded but just cried louder. I tried to stutter out that I was happy, happy tears, but it really didn’t come out that way at all. She ended up grabbing our friend KHad to give us a ride home.

“What’s wrong with her?” He asked.

“Zuko kissed her.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

Chon just sighed. She was completely amused. Who cries when the man of their dreams kisses them?

Me.

I mean, I really was being absurd. Perhaps I had had too much liquid courage after all. I guess there really is a reason you have to be 21 to drink… hopefully by then, you’re mature enough to handle your shit.

So… that is my epic first kiss.

The next morning my crush on Zuko was half the intensity that it had been. A week later, it was gone completely. I don’t know if it was just the show being over, or the fact that he tasted gross to me… but whatever it was, he became a real person again.

And we did keep in touch. We actually became good friends for a while. Friends who call each other just to chat and who hang out without stuttering or crying. Funny how that happens… We never kissed again and we certainly never talked about the incident. I can’t even be sure if he remembers it at all.

A few years later… Zuko came out of the closet. He had been gay all along.

My first kiss came when I was 16 years old. He was 22. I was very much in love. He was gay. Go figure!