Well, life happens…

You’re right… I blew it! I totally left you hanging again on the Justin Timberlake story. I am really thinking that maybe it is not meant to be told! I just don’t know why I can’t get it onto paper/blog. So strange… But alas, I can’t finish it even now because I have something I need to vent about…

I welcome comments on this blog… I always welcome comments, but this blog really warrents comments, so please, apease me!

My step father… he is an alcoholic among other things. I know that that changes a person and I know that it is a disease and all that; my real father is an alcoholic… I know the drill. But I honestly don’t know if my step father is a good person under all the drinking. I don’t know if he has any real decency at all. I never felt this way about my dad, so it’s not just the alcohol. He is also a pathological liar, as I know alcoholics are. But I just wonder if he would be likable outside of the drinking…

Now, in another blog at another time, I will tell funny stories about him and about his drunken escapades, because believe me, there are many! And they are funny. But I really don’t want to go into too much background at this point, other than to say the following (you know I love bullet points):

-He has two DUI’s on his recent driving history and continues to drive daily drunk… not drunk… hammered! He has already had the breathalyzer installed in his car and taken out.

-He has been arrested from his children’s school for drunk in public.

-He has lost custody of his kids.

-He has been through AA several times

-He has been to rehab.

-He ‘quit’ his job one random day to start his own business right after they had sent him to rehab and he continued to drink upon return (i.e. he was fired).

-My mother is the second woman who is divorcing him due to the drinking…

-He claims he paid for my whole wedding to make me look bad. He did not.

-He claimed he paid for my entire surgery which I recently had to make me look bad($65,000). He did not pay a dime. He was actually kicked out of the hospital for showing up drunk.

-THEN he claimed he HAD the surgery I had. Of course, he did not. He is a liar. It’s unbelievable the extent to which he lies. But it’s even more unbelievable how much peopel believe him. Of course he would deny absolutely all of this if you asked him.

-And the worst part of all of this (and there is so much more, trust me), is that ALL of these things are my fault, or my mom’s fault, or his ex wives fault… it’s never been HIS problem or HIS fault. He doesn’t see how hiding vodka behind the tv, or in boxes in the garage, or in the tool box on his car, or in the shed, or in HIS KIDS ROOM is an issue. That’s perfectly normal I guess. Maybe I am the one who is crazy, because I am telling you, I’m beginning to feel that way.

Alcoholism is a serious problem. It’s a disease, like I said. But it’s a disease that there is a cure for. It’s a disease you choose over your family. It’s a disease that people recover from all the time. Don’t get me wrong… I know that it’s a struggle… probably the biggest struggle of a person’s life, but it’s a possibility. The option to stop is there every single drink. The help is there. The support is there. It’s all there.

But let’s not get off topic…

After almost 14 years (or something rediculous like that) of zero changes, my mother has FINALLY left my step father and now rents her own house across town. She left in September.

This past Sunday, my step father thought that it was a good plan to ‘stop by’ at 11pm. My younger sister lives here with my mom, and my mom takes Ambian every night. If you have never taken or seen someone take Ambian, think tranqulizer dart.

My step father knows she takes it. He has manipulated her on it in the past, and he knew exactly what he was doing when he showed up on Sunday.

My mother let him in. He stayed for 2 hours.

Is this inappropriate? My sister has made it MORE than clear that she does not feel comfortable around him. I have tried to get a restraining order against him. And this is nothing new. This is how we have always felt.

So I ask again, is it inappropriate that he came over and was let in?

Now, once here, of course my mother was nearly unconscious, he begins to verbaly abuse her as he has done for years while my sister sits in the same room not willing to leave him alone with our mother. He makes sexual comments to her. He tries to take her unconscious self to bed. He tells her how much she is ruining everyone’s life including his new girlfriends life and how  my sister and I are responsible for every problem in their marrage (of course it’s not his drinking). When my sister’s friend finally arrives to kick him out (on sister’s request), my step father tells him how my sister is the problem and she can not be trusted and on an on. And SHE should leave, not him, because he has every right to be there. Let me promise you that he is not on the lease. He pays nothing at the house. He has NO RIGHT to be there.

So for years now, I have been his main scape goat. You can ask his family (they will likely agree with him), you can ask our mutual friends, you can ask anyone. Why did their marrage fail? ME. That is always his answer. For years I have taken this with no one defending me. For years I have been the bad guy who only wants to defend her mother. For years I have suffered. I don’t mean to be dramatic at all, but I have suffered. SOOO many of my adult decisions have been based on protecting my mother. Moving home, when and where to get married, why I felt I needed to get married, what house we rent, where we might buy a house and how much room there will be for my mother, where my sister should go to college, trips home from college and on and on… all had to do with my mother. I always had my mother in mind and all the what ifs of her life with my step father… what if he dies from his liver failure or his Diabetes? What if he dies in a wreak (that is becoming more of a ‘when’)? What if he kills someone else and they sue? What if he doesn’t pay the house payment and they lose the house? What if he gets arrested again and goes to jail? What if he gets fired (that one happened)? What if he kills my mom? What if he shoots her and then shoots himself with all the guns he has in the house? What if he kills me (I actually slept in fear for a long time thinking this… to the point that I boobie trapped my door)? The list goes on and on. Is this fair?

So of course, now my mother and I are at odds because I don’t understand why no one is standing up for my sister and I? Why is this the way we have to live? Why do I always have to be the bad guy? How long do I have to be the one to blame? Why is it held against me for moving away? How on earth can it be said that I don’t care??????? I don’t understand. When does it end? Does it?

That is a lot of questions, I know… I don’t even really know what I’m even asking… I guess I am open to advice. I would love to know that I am not crazy. That I haven’t lived my life wrong. That I haven’t made all the wrong decisions because I make them with my family in mind. That I’m going to get my own life someday…

I don’t know where to go next…