The land where everything is legal

Yes, I am speaking of Amsterdam.

And I am speaking true. Really, everything is legal. Drugs, prostitution, running people over on bikes… it’s all good to go. And it was quite an experience to be there, I assure you.

The reason I am writing about Amsterdam today is simple. I was at lunch with Burny the other day and I was talking about MacTen and somehow that segwayed into talking about eating Space Cake in Amsterdam and before I knew it, I was laughing uncontrollably and Burny was completely lost. I guess it was just one of those things where you had to be there. But then I called Mac after lunch to see if my story was as funny as I thought it was and sure enough… she started cracking up as well. So even though it is one of those ‘you had to be there’ stories… I am going to do my best to bring you readers there.

Enjoy…

So we arrived in Amsterdam, MacTen and I, on June 28, 2005. We had been traveling before hand- New York, London, and then Ireland- and we would be traveling after our program in Oxford, but the exciting thing about Amsterdam in particular was this: All 8 San Diego State students who had been accepted into the Summer Abroad program in Oxford had agreed to meet in Amsterdam the weekend before our program started. And that was this very trip. So not only were Mac and I in a brand new country… we were there with 6 of our college friends! What a completely different experience.

Mac and I flew from Ireland into Amsterdam in the afternoon. We then caught a train from the airport to the part of the city where our hostel- and the rest of our friends- would be waiting for us. We knew we were going to be the last to arrive. We were armed with directions given to us by Rossco, our only friend who had been to Amsterdam before. Now, the directions we had in our possession made me nervous, I have to admit. It’s not that Rossco can’t give good directions, it’s just that he can’t give real directions. The street names in Amsterdam are, well, laughable. They can’t possibly be real words. There is no way Rossco would have been able to say them or even spell them correctly so instead he gave us a different type of directions.

“Get off the train and go straight down the stairs. Head into the square and take a right at the giant phallic symbol.”

I am not kidding you… these were are only directions.

When I asked Mac about the phallic symbo,l she said that Rossco said we would definitely know what he was talking about. Okay. Here goes nothing.

So we got off the train and it was nearly 10pm at night. Now, don’t be alarmed. At 10pm in the summer in Amsterdam the sun is still setting. It actually looked more like 7pm. But the night life had definitely started, all the same. Did I mention that we were staying in the Red Light District? Yes, that’s where we were wandering around at 10pm at night in Amsterdam. So when we got off the train, we immediately  noticed several sets of stairs. GREAT! If we didn’t pick the right stairs, we certainly wouldn’t run into the phallic symbol. Damn it Rossco!!

So Mac and I chose as best we could and headed out into the nightlife of Amsterdam, backpacks and all. There was no obvious ‘Square’ and there was certainly no obvious phallic symbol. Not even in the Red Light District. We made a quick attempt at the map but could not find the address of our hostel anywhere. We found a street sign and tried to locate that on the map to no avail as well. We even went so far as to ask a passer by- by showing him the street name on our piece of paper hoping he would just point- and even he had nothing to offer us.

So we just started walking. No sooner had we began, a man who was clearly under the control of the police officer who was walking beside him, reached out and grabbed Mac’s boob as we passed. He said something rude of course, and then the police man quickly reestablished his hold on the drunk man. I was so flabbergasted by the fact that the police in Amsterdam simply held hands with those people who were under arrest and escorted them to jail. Mac, on the other hand, was scarred for life. I could see she felt very violated and scared. She was on the verge of tears. Oh man… not good. So I grabbed her hand, told her it was okay and started walking even faster towards… well, towards nowhere. I had no idea where we were going at that point. I knew we couldn’t be far because the directions were very short, but we had seen no phallic symbol at all. I was starting to get really pissed at our stupid directions.

Finally, after wandering down crowded allies and in and out of stores, we found someone who spoke a little english and who could point us in the right direction.

We walked up to our hostel- the Bull Dog Hotel- at the same time as one of our male friends from San Diego. We could not have been happier to see him, even though he was clearly high, drunk, and quite frankly just as useless as we were. He did help us check in and find our room though, that was helpful, and then he led us down the street to where the rest of our friends were many, many drinks deep.

I was 21 at the time but for many of our friends- Mac included- this was their first time drinking in a bar. It was quite hilarious, I must say. It’s always funny showing up last to the party. You really get a good idea of where people are at. But don’t worry… it didn’t take Mac and I long to catch up. We drank a lot of ciders, our drink of choice abroad, and met many interesting people. One man in particular I will never forget. I can’t remember his name at the moment but he was very much Italian with a very thick accent and he was very intrigued by the girls in our group. Speaking generally, foreign men were often very interested in the fact that we were American. And this man in particular, was very interested in everything about all of us. He was… to be blunt… asking us for sex. In Amsterdam. Where he could literally walk outside and buy it for cheap. He was telling us all the nasty things he would do to us if we would let him. There was something about his crazy accent that made it more hilarious than creepy, but overall… I was keeping my distance.

Allow me to offer you a direct quote: “I will take three hours to go from your shoulder to your belly… and one and one half hour to find your cheese spot.”

Gross.

Now add an Italian accent.

Really gross.

That was it. We had to cut him off. He was just getting way too graphic for us. And it was at about that time that Mac and I realized that her wallet had been stolen. We had it when we came into the bar, because we had ordered drinks, but now it was nowhere to be found. It was quite a blow, let me tell you. Again, Mac was on the verge of tears. All her credit cards, her ID and her phone cards were all in that wallet. It was really very tragic. Luckily for us, I had plenty of money and she still had some travelers checks. We ran over to the hostel and immediately called her mom and told her to cancel all her cards and send new ones to Oxford. Overall, we dealt with it pretty quickly and moved on as best we could. Mac and I both tried to keep it from ruining our night. After all, there was really nothing we could do about it.

That night we all slept in bunk beds in an 8 person hostel room, where we all tried desperately to hear our Ipod’s over Rossco’s snoring.

The next morning we all walked to the Van Gogh museum. It was a beautiful walk. Rossco led us, confident in his own directions, and we happily followed him up one street and down another. We passed by the phallic symbol that Rossco had mentioned before and yep… it was pretty obvious. Had we have seen it, we would have known exactly what he was talking about.

Amsterdam is stunning. I had no idea. I was definitely not expecting that at all, but it is. It is so beautiful. There are canals between nearly every street, much like Venice. There are bridges and cobblestones and color. Oxford is nearly all the color of sand stone, London is gray and Amsterdam is colorful. There were lots of flowers and the buildings were made from lots of different materials so there was a lot of contrast. It was quite a lovely walk.

Once we got to the museum, I was not nearly as impressed by the art as I was by the city that housed it. I could really take it or leave it, personally, but I am happy that I went and saw some of his original work. I always think that’s very special.

After the Van Gogh museum, we headed back to the hostel, stopping at Hard Rock Cafe of course. America is everywhere. Right smack dab in the middle of this amazing, new culture was Hard Rock. And we were craving burgers. Once we got back to the hostel, we all showered and hit the town yet again. I have to warn you, this is where both the histerical-ness and illegal activity come into play- well technically it’s legal in Amsterdam, the land where everything is legal.

All of us, minus Rossco, took space cake together.

Don’t judge me! If you know me, you know that I am usually totally against this behavior but you know what they say… When in Rome!

So all 7 of us went into what they call a ‘coffee shop’ in Amsterdam and asked the bar tender- who conveniently spoke English- some questions about what would be the best plan for our group. We told him that some of us had smoked before and some of us had not. We told him that we wanted to have fun, but we didn’t want to lose our minds or anything crazy like that. He suggested Space Cake. We agreed. We each bought a muffin of Space Cake and sat down at the bar. The bar tender said that one muffin should be plenty but not too much so we all had our fill. It tasted just like a bran muffin… nothing else.

After we all finished eating, we headed back down the street to the bar were we had been the previous night. If you have ever eaten pot in any form before you know that it can take up to, or even over an hour to kick in, so we were all just waiting patiently. Our eyes were shifting from one person to the next, just waiting for the first person to go. That, in itself, was hilarious. Those of us who were new to the whole experience kept saying “I think it’s hitting me” and those of us who were veterans kept saying “trust me… you will know.”

It was a little unnerving. The only thing that kept me calm was knowing that it was legal, and regulated and safe.

And then we met this guy… I can’t remember his name either, but he was cute enough and he started talking to Mac and I. It had only been about 30 mins since we had eaten our muffin so I was willing to chat for a few minutes before finding a way to ditch him. He kept telling us that we needed to go to this amazing club with him later called ‘Escape.’ We knew our plans did not really exceed tripping out in the bar, but we told him that we would think about it. He was unaware of what we had recently ingested.

About 45 minutes into muffin land, Mac realized that she hadn’t talked to her boyfriend since we had arrived in Amsterdam. We made a rash decision to literally race the drugs and run back to our hostel, use the phone, and run back. We really thought that there would be enough time. And more than anything, I really thought that we were going to be able to feel the effects coming on slowly…

JumpSki, who was there with us, decided to go as our chaperone back to the hostel. What a gentleman. But between the three of us, we had maybe smoked a half a joint combined before this experience so not one of us was going to be any help in that department. Oh well…

We made a run for it. I tried my boyfriend, SinkinShip (aka cheat #3)  first and SURPRISE SURPRISE, didn’t get ahold of him. Then Mac jumped on the phone and started chatting with her much more devoted boyfriend. She was just talking with him, completely normally, and Jump and I were trying to hurry her off the phone, when suddenly… quite literally out of nowhere… I BURST into laughter. I am talking about sitting completely still and normal to laughing very loudly and crazily and uncontrollably in an instant. I guess the drugs had hit me. And the world around me was absolutely the most hysterical thing that I had ever been a part of. Poor JumpSki was trying desperately to quite me down. But lucky for all of us, it didn’t bother anyone. Everyone else around us was already high.

As I was laughing uncontrollably, in walks the same, cute guy from the bar. The same guy who wanted us to go to the club with him. There was no being inconspicuous at that point, so he came right over to us and tried to convince me to go with him to ‘Escape’ again. I couldn’t even answer him I was laughing so hard. He must have been on something too because he didn’t seem phased by my erratic behavior. He said ‘Escape’ a few more times and then walked away and left me to my laughter. Jump finally calmed me down enough so that I could catch my breath. That is when I turned to Mac to get her to hang up the phone so that we could get back to our friends. As soon as I looked at her, I burst out in laughter again. But this time I was laughing for a reason… Mac was still holding onto the phone, but her eyes were closed and her mouth was wide open in the most hysterical silent laughter that I have ever seen. It was amazing.

 Two down!

I don’t even think that she said goodbye to her boyfriend. She just hung up the phone and the three of us stumbled out into the street. Jump was holding both of us up, unsure of what exactly was happening. Apparently he was still unaffected by the bran muffin. The three of us only made it about half way down the street before we had to stop and catch our breath. I just could not stop laughing and Mac could not seem to hold her head up. Jump had his arm around her and every time she tried to lift her head, it jus slumped back down and around and into Jump’s chest. This, of course, was the funniest thing since Dumb and Dumber. Even Jump couldn’t help but laugh as Mac continued to proclaim that she couldn’t hold her head up, and then would prove it by swinging back into Jump’s chest.

Suddenly, Jump got this very funny look on his face. Mac and I stopped laughing and asked him if he was okay. I’ll never forget what he said:

“My underwear just got tight!”

Three down!

He said it so calmly, but Mac and I knew that he had finally joined the club. He continued to describe how the elastic on the leg part of his boxer briefs was slowly cutting off the blood flow. He didn’t seem too concerned… just reporting the facts as he felt them. Mac and I just continued to laugh.

It was at that point that the boy from the bar appeared again… or I can only assume it was him… all I heard was ‘Escape’ over my shoulder and then he was gone. It was so strange.

We finally made our way the rest of the way down the street and into the bar, where our friends had all clearly started experiencing the effects of the bran muffin. Again, Mac and I were the last to the party. And again, it was priceless. It’s at this point where the night gets a little fuzzy but I do remember a few more things:

We were all standing around the bar like models. I kept saying out loud:

“Oh my God. We are all standing like models right now, it’s crazy!”

I took about 8 pictures of us ‘standing like models’ but sadly lost the camera before I could develop the pictures. I assure you though, we were such good models that night.

At some point Mac insisted on finding doughnuts. Now, in all the years that I have known Mac, I have never heard her request a doughnut, let alone even see her eat one when they are available. But this particular night was different. She wanted a doughnut and there was not going to be any substitutes. After we announced our mission to the group, naturally, they all felt the unbearable need for doughnuts as well. So we were off…

Again, lucky for us, Amsterdam was prepared for the munchies. Not more than a block away- or so it felt- we found a magical store with an endless assortment of desserts, doughnuts, french fries, kabob, and anything else you can think of that wouldn’t normally be found in a store together. And other than the one brief freak out by one of the girls when we initially left the bar- it was too dark outside- everyone seemed to be handling themselves well enough.

When we were in the store, and Mac was enjoying her doughnuts, I remember a spider dropped down from the ceiling on its web. My friend Nickle- our veteran druggie- looked at me with the most serious look on his face.

“Don’t tell anyone that just happened.”

I agreed and decided that the reason was because everyone would suddenly be seeing spiders in their food. I wasn’t eating so there was no risk of that with me. But sure enough, as soon as we left the store to head back to the bar, one of the girls started freaking out over her food.

“My fries are glowing. They are poisoned. They are glowing neon.”

Mac and I just lost it again. We tried to hide our laughter from our friend, knowing she was seriously concerned that she was about to die from her neon fries, but we just couldn’t hold it in. And somehow, Nickle trying to convince her that they were fine by eating handfuls of them, just made it that much more funny.

And then, of course, I remember the end of the night. We were all back in our 8 person hostel room, Rossco was snoring loudly, Mac had “sunk into her bed and become tv fuzz” and was sleeping with a huge grin on her face, and Jump and I, along with one of our girlfriends, were sitting on the floor still enjoying the effects. I was just talking and talking and talking, about what… no one will ever know, and Jump and Checko were just laughing their butts off. I felt like quite the comedian. I could do no wrong. I felt like I had never been funnier! And I am a funny girl.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, Checko stopped laughing… leaned over to JumpSki… and whispered in the loudest whisper I have ever heard:

“She is really freaking me out!”

And then she continued laughing as if I hadn’t heard her, clear as day.

I have to tell you, my high ended right there. I stopped laughing, got incredibly self conscious and said:

“I’m going to bed now.”

And that’s just what I did. I put in my Ipod and went to bed. I didn’t even allow the thought, ‘Why am I creeping her out?’ to creep into my head!

It was about half way through our walk to the Heineken museum the next morning when we all realized that we were still high…

Tune in next week for the rest of our weekend in Amsterdam!!