Well Good Morning

I hate to say it, but my step father is rapidly becoming one of my favorite blog subjects. I guess, in a way, that’s what I have to do. I have to laugh at the situation. It’s a coping mechanism. And don’t get me wrong, so often I did laugh, but when I look back now… after all the years of craziness that we went through with him, it’s hard to remember the funny times. And when the funny times are when his drunkenness made us laugh, I’m not sure how funny that really is anyway, ya know? But alas, whatever gets you through. Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor. And that… I have.

This story is about a legendary Fourth of July camping trip. Some of you are already laughing.

This story takes place not this past Fourth of July but the one previous. Around April of that year MacTen and Raps told me that they would be coming to visit for Fourth of July and of course Burny and I could think of only one thing to do: Camp. Mac and Raps are not necessarily campers. Or at least they had not been camping all that many times before this particular trip, so we thought that that would be the perfect thing for us to do.

As it turned out, we had a pretty good group that decided to join us. Nineteen at one point! And Burny and I could think of no better place to go but Icehouse… which is on the way up to Tahoe from the valley. My family had been going camping at Icehouse on Fourth of July since I was around twelve years old, and Burny and I had enjoyed coming together the year before. It was secluded, it was on a lake, but it was still a camp ground so we really had the best of both worlds. There were showers (that you had to insert quarters into) but the toilets were vial. It was a real camping experience without feeling too ‘in the middle of nowhere’. Perfect for Mac and Raps. Perfect for this story…

Well of course, as was the case any other year, my mother and step father went as well. They, along with my aunt and uncle and a few other family friends, were about three camping spots down the hill from us. Close but not too close. We couldn’t see or hear them, which was just perfect because I in no way wanted to share my trip with my step father. About half of the group were familiar with my step dad and his antics and the other half had certainly heard the stories. Of course whenever he is nearby, the stories come up and it never fails that someone says, ‘he can’t be that bad.’ This statement sets off the more unpleasant list of stories and so needless to say, my step dad was a hard topic to avoid. Especially when he was present.

As a matter of fact, at one point early in the weekend, someone made a joke that it wouldn’t be all too shocking if my step dad were to die on the camping trip. The half that knew him laughed, the half that had not yet had the pleasure thought that that might be a little bit over the top. Well, as it turned out, my step dad tried to go kayaking drunk, immediately tipped the thing over and couldn’t free himself. Yes, he nearly drowned. In no way do I think that that was the power of suggestion. That was the power of vodka.

Anyway, the camping spot we picked just so happened to be the furthest from the road. It was great for keeping our party private but it was a nightmare for loading and unloading the car. But either way, you couldn’t see our tent set up (which I must point out was around six tents) from the road. Well, not unless you were looking.

Well, Saturday morning, my lovely step father came looking…

Most of us had just stumbled out of our tents at this point and if I had to guess, I would say that it was around 10am. It was late enough that all 19 of us were awake, sitting around the fire and enjoying our breakfast. Well, enjoying it until he stumbled up.

I saw him down on the road right away. I have a special radar for him. And Burny pointed him out to the rest of the group. My step dad was still in his sweats and was clearly drunk. Even from that far there was no mistaking his stumble. And I knew exactly what he was after. He was looking for our campsite. Why? I had no idea. But I was in no hurry to find out. The group of us enjoyed making fun of him as he walked past, turned and came back, walked past for a thrid time, and then finally just started up the hill hoping to come across us.

Once he saw our group, and could plainly see (or so I can only assume) that we had seen him, he began to collect small twigs on his way up the hill. By the time he reached us, he had collected maybe 4 foot long twigs. And as he approached, a hush fell over the crowd. I am already embarrassed at this point, some of the group is already laughing and the rest are just waiting to see if all that has been said is true. Let me tell you… my step dad always delivers.

He opens up the conversation to the group of us with:

“I brought you some firewood.”

And then he throws his four sticks on our firewood pile. Ah yes… he thought ahead. He knew he would need a reason for coming up the hill… firewood. Brilliant! So at this point, I more or less have my back to him so I get to see the entire group, who is all staring at my step father. Burny is the one to talk. He asks my step father what we can do for him. My step dad, who can hardly stand, looks around and says,

“Do you have my pipe wrench?”

Most of the group bursts out laughing. Myself included. I mean, what on earth? It was as if everyone was anticipating something so ridiculous that it didn’t matter what he actually said, it was going to be funny. Don’t worry. The fact that everyone was laughing did not offend my step father. As a matter of fact, I don’t think he even noticed. But Burny didn’t miss a beat.

“Your pipe wrench? No, we don’t have your pipe wrench.”

“I let you barrow it,” my step dad said.

More laughter. Clearly we have had no immediate need for a pipe wrench. And why on earth would we have assumed that anyone would have brought one camping?

“Nope, we don’t have it. What do you need?” Burny asks.

“Oh no, I just need my pipe wrench.” My step dad has this weird habbit of opening every single sentence with ‘Oh no,” or “No.” For example: “No, no, you’re right.” or “No, I agree with you.” “No, I put the milk in the fridge.” It’s weird!

“Do you need a hammer? We have a hammer if you need that,” Burny offered.

At this point I can’t help but notice that everyone in the group is nearly in tears. Some of the guys have actually stood up to walk away they were laughing so hard. My step dad is funny, don’t get me wrong, and the conversation is retarded, but I couldn’t help but feel that I was missing something. I mean these guys were literally in tears.

“No, no… I know where my hammer is. It’s at home in the garage,” My step dad said. Clearly he misunderstood the question. Or maybe we have misunderstood everything. Anything is possible with him. And certainly, as I have said before, he will deny any of this having ever happened.

“Well, we don’t have your pipe wrench.”

Just as my step dad is starting to catch on to the fact that everyone is literally laughing at him, I overhear someone say something about a boner…

I turn around to examine my step father further. And sure enough… I kid you not… the man is at half mast!

In sweats.

Possibly no underwear.

I mean it was the morning…

I can literally feel my face get red and I too, have no other option but to cry with laughter. And as if this is a scripted event, Burny asks my step father one final question:

“What do you need a pipe wrench for?”

My step dad is right there to answer back with:

“I need to go pound something.”

WHAT!??!

He has a boner…

He needs a pipe wrench…

and he literally says “I need to go pound something.”

And at that moment he turns and heads back down the hill, as if nothing out of the ordinary has occured. The man does not get further than five feet away before the entire group of 19 people explode in laughter. Laughter that goes on and on. Laughter that is intermixed with words like ‘pound something’ and ‘boner’.

This is not a joke. God, do I wish it was. But alas, it is not. This actually happened.

Needless to say, the few people in the group that had not yet met my step father, or had not been introduced to his ways, asked us no further questions about our stories and our offhanded comments. There was just nothing else to say. My step dad and certainly said it all!